Holiday Cheerwine Punch

Oh, the Holiday Hell Show is off and running and today we are going to talk about pure Christmas in a bottle. Seriously, if Santa got drunk and depressed over the war on Christmas and decided to slit his wrists in the tub, there would be Holiday Cheerwine Punch everywhere.

Dude, that went dark.

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Okay, let’s start over. The makers of Cheerwine have put out a limited edition Holiday Punch which is a little lighter in color and fruitier in taste than the original. If you have not had the original, I suggest you give it a whirl. As a local to North Carolina, the home base of Cheerwine, it take it for granted and assume everyone has had it. I learned that is not the case when I have visitors.

If you have the means and are within distance of picking Holiday Cheerwine Punch up, please do so. If not to drink at least to put on the table and enjoy the hue of fallalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

I made a quick video to show it is not only drinkable but also why I should never use hair products. Enjoy!

 

Snoopy Hot Dog Toaster

Welcome to the show my friends! I was struggling to find a good theme for these next couple of months which would bridge Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years but nothing seemed to fit. Then a stupid title kind of fell on my lap. Okay, my dog gave it to me but still, it was a struggle.

This year I am launching the Holiday Hell Show and it is incorporating everything silly and fun that a mid-30’s guy should not be involved in. I plan to have lots of fun with this especially since I feel like I missed most of the Halloween season. I imagine this is what an estranged and neglectful father does in his twilight years to his kid. Let’s do everything!!!

I know what you are thinking. “Whoa, dude. It’s just November and you are launching a holiday show?”

Yes.

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Today I was checking out the local CVS for their holiday loot and found a line of Snoopy (Peanuts™) products. The one that stood out the most was a hot dog toaster that not only toasts the bun but the hot dog too! The idea of a cartoon dog on a toaster that also cooks meat was almost too much. And those on Twitter agree since my picture of it was retweeted almost thirty times. There’s definitely a market for hot dog toasters.

Come check out the first of many Holiday Hell Show posts. I cook hot dogs in my office. This all seems so right.

Second Verse

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The fog of a crazy October has lifted and in its wake of black and orange we now come to a sea of green and red. It is time to toss the Jack-o-Lanters aside and look to nervous turkeys under tall pines which we will chop down, drag in the house, place in water and electrify. This time of the year blends two holidays into one and I, for one, am okay with that.

If there is one thing that being a senior account executive has taught me, don’t over promise your hobbies. The career has a crazy way of stepping in front of grandious plans like a cat photobombing the camera as I practice my cartwheels for YouTube. As hard as I tried to film, edit, buy, review, travel and photo, a new project with over-ambitious people reared the head of un-fun work and most of October was late nights and work trips. I am not complaining but I think we have all been there if this is the medium for recreation.

Now that my sad sack story is done, I am ready for two months of festive fun. And there will be fun! Expect the first ghost..er..video by midnight tonight. I have found a grocery store near me that goes shit-house mad with awesome Christmas party fun foods to review plus libations to cause embarrassment during the company holiday party. I have a bar to post these great eggnog drink concoctions now.

I Remember Halloween

Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember Halloween” – The Misfits

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This 2014 Halloween season did not get fully going like I had hoped. I want to say it was because I have finally grown up into a mature adult and waxing my Porsche, day trading and Saturday evening book clubs have taken the place of watching Halloween for the 5,723rd time, but that is just not the case. The real truth is my company is slightly restructuring and that metamorphosis begins with people in my position. Since September I have been in at least eleven states and times two in hotel rooms. Going out to business dinners is about as thrilling as pressure washing the side of the house and if I hear the acronym “EHR” one more time, I might tie my wrist to my testicles and enter into a Frisbee-Golf competition. Lets just say, work has come and killed my Great Pumpkin.

Looking back, however, it hasn’t been a total loss. There were some spooky trips, met some amazing people and done some amazing things all in the name of The Spook Show. The great novelist, J.W Ocker, toured me around Boston, I flew down to Key West and hung out with a real live voodoo doll named Robert, visited my buddy Travis from Bayou Babylon and his wonderful wife, Crystal to shoot some creepy scenes in a graveyard, made a cameo in The Sexy Armpit’s Halloween Show, had Ben (Juggernaut Cave), Brian (Review the World) and DJ D (Retro Ghouls and Shocks) over for a weekend to review tons of spooky crap and well as Blair Witch 2 and last but not least, I was the guest host on the great DJ D’s radio show, Dark Entries.

Oh, also was blown away by Matt’s annual Halloween countdown over at Dinosaur Dracula.

I guess when you list it out, it’s been a pretty busy season even though I feel like it was half-hearted thanks to such a busy schedule. I still have lots to cram in like a Q&A with a give away from J.W. Ocker and his new novel plus a look at the amazing artist Thomas Boatwrite. I bought the coolest commission ever and am excited to push his stuff to the next level.

OH! And mother frickin’ Final Cut Pro crashed so many times I have finally given up on it. I’m done. It’s a neat piece of software but a twenty-minute video shouldn’t take eight hours to export. And Apple wants me to buy it again for $300. Nope!

So, enough with the pouty puss talk. I am sorry for an empty Spook Show this year, 2014. Work really was the boogeyman. I owe you something…but what?

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Hrm…I have one Pop Rocks Pumpkin Patch Orange left that I was saving to put in the company coffee pot on Friday but I think I owe it to you. But how?

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Oh I do love you. I will dump this in my three-hour old cup of coffee and drink this just for my penance for a below average Halloween season. It’s all for you, Damian! It’s all for you!

Okay, I am coming right back.I just wanted to get this off my chest and say I’m a little sorry. Just a little.

 

Halloween At Ollie’s!

Today I was at a work lunch with a few clients and the subject of Halloween came up. Of course, the one person at the office who knows I have an alter ego for all things like Halloween was there too. It took her 0.0067 seconds to erupt into a high squeal, “WILL LOVES HALLOWEEN AND EVEN HAS A SITE ALL ABOUT IT!”

Not cool.

I smiled and tried to quickly change the topic but it was too late. Before I knew it I had all sorts of non-work related questions about movies, sexy Jason costumes and where to buy the best candy. I hate letting my personal and nerd-o life get out in the open in a work environment but the black Halloween cat was out of the bag now so I had to go with it. It was fun and a nice break from the financial speak.

I don’t know how it evolved but the discussion soon turned to the bargain store, Ollie’s. I have a love/hate relationship with Ollie’s. I love that it is a huge discount store where you can buy inflatable yard ornaments, a shirt and an entire reference guidebook to Middle Earth under one roof but I hate whenever I go into the store there is always some person who ruins my day. It doesn’t matter when, it always happens. Last time, there was a lady who tried to shoplift and was tackled in the pavement by another woman leading to a lot were cops. The time before that, some really obese girl pulled her pants down in one of the aisles.

So, I refuse to go back. Sorry, Ollie, but whenever I drive past your store all I can think about is screaming rednecks and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen. I’m just not ready yet but I had an idea.

On the drive back to the office we made a detour to Ollie’s. I gave my work mate $20 and asked her to buy that amount in Halloween junk to review while I stayed in the car. If you spill my hobby in front of clients, you have to be apart of it. It’s only fair. She picked four items and now I will review them in realtime without adding another scarring event to my life.

These are her choices.

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Okay, first up in is the “Eight Is Too Much” wig from Rubie’s Character Wigs™ for $9.99. Researching the “Eight Is Too Much” points to a late seventies TV drama about a news anchor with eight kids. That’s a pretty obscure reference for a wig but we are talking about finds at Ollie’s so I will give it a pass.

I am not sure the name “Eight Is Too Much” wig is the right one. This looks more like a “May I See The Manager” wig or “White Zinfandel Tonight?” wig.

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Hrm. I am not sure I pulled this one off. I feel like it’s either a Flock Of Seagulls wig or something else. I just can’t put my finger on it. It was someone on TLC who was part responsible for turning a channel about discovery and dinosaurs into total garbage and self loathing. OH!

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NAILED IT! It’s that total bitch from John And Kate Plus Eight! You remember the show, the couple who ruined their lives and damaged their kids for fame and money? Man, I guess we cracked the code for the name, “Eight Is Too Much”. Eight was too much.

I give this find 8 out of 10 severed Freddy fingers. Eight is a theme here.

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Gummy Boo Bands for $2.49! I have seen these around and didn’t notice they were edible. Kids these days are into all sorts of incredibly stupid shit. But, to be fair, all kids are stupid to me. With all the awareness wristbands out there I didn’t know there was finally one you can eat. That would be a great one to raise awareness for hunger! (I’m a dick)

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GROSS! SICK! This thing feels like actual He-Man slime right out of the can. I know it is an orange gummy but my mind goes to the smell of Mattel slime. Plus, and waaaay worse, it gets your wrist sticky. I can stand a lot of discomforts in life but one that I can’t stand in the least is being sticky. It makes me want to cry and I am an ugly crier.

I give Boo Bands 3 out of 10 dead chicks.

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Let’s see what else is in this bag-o-crap from Ollie’s. I am beginning to think I am missing a lot from my Ollie’s boycott. That is a Review the World stomping ground for sure! I might have to go back and risk seeing a human grand canyon if there are more great finds in this bag.

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Ho Ho Hee Hee, it’s Juicy Oozer Gummy Vampires and Gummy Werewolves from Black Forrest® for $2.29! I love Black Forrest gummy candy. Some people are Haribo gummy fans and others are Black Forrest. The best way to compare this divide is to compare those who prefer Red Vines to Twizzlers. It’s not a huge difference to most but to a few it is like Communism vs Capitalism. Then there are the Swizzler fuckers. No one likes them.

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I can’t say enough about these. They have great shapes, you can recognize flavors, the vampires have tangy blood and the packaging is unreal. The fonts and art would make Madd Matt do the Charleston on Poe’s grave. This hits on all Halloween cylinders so please, go get thirty bags. They will be worth thousands in future currency once Samhain arrives and vanquishes all those who put out Christmas stuff during October.

10 out of 10 Jason Voorhees head lumps.

Last but not least! I hope.

Um…I don’t know what this girl was thinking and I don’t know if I want to go down this road. I have been running VeggieMacabre since the summer of 2007 and kept this as close to PG as possible. I know there has been a few times when my language hasn’t been perfect. Okay, more than a few but I still keep it clean. I just don’t know if this will translate so lets just approach this as the mature adults we are. It’s a Halloween costume prop.

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Well…isn’t that special? It’s an “Open Wound Sleeve” from those sick assholes a Paper Magic Group™ for $3.29. I guess this is supposed to be a wound that you put on your arm but my mind keeps going elsewhere. Remember that scene in The Gate when the lead protagonist had an eyeball form on his hand? I guess it could be the same principle.

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Oh Hell. I guess if you squint you eyes from afar it would look like a wound or a gash… GOODNIGHT FOLKS!

0.003 out of 10 Michael Myers Eye Brows

Ollie’s gets a better grade from me than I would usually give it and that is probably because I stayed in my car. I love the concept of bargain shopping because I am the type of guy who would buy a tub of ten thousand cheese puffs when looking for motor oil and a place like Ollie’s would certainly allow me to do that.

Great scores if you exclude the gyno-sleave! I need to keep that girl away from me at the office. (Just kidding!)

I am off to shoot a very special “Beers with Movie Sauce” for the Spook Show so stick around! I am all ramped up and ready for the fun so thanks for hanging with me. See you tonight!

 

 

 

 

Spooky NC: Robert The Doll

Hey-O! I am back after a brief break thanks to my company’s annual review which sure did suck the fun out of October. I swear, it’s like they conspired to have this during my favorite time of the year just to say, “we still own you”. But I smoked it and now for these final two weeks of the season, I am all yours.

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Today we begin with an eerie doll that is world-famous for giving people the creeps. It even went as far as to inspire the character Chucky from the film Child’s Play. Now that is something! Clowns never bothered me but a doll will take this thirty-six year old veteran and have him walk backwards out of a room holding a broom for defense. I am not joking.

So, back in 1906 a Bahamian servant was practicing black magic and voodoo in the home of the well-to-do Otto family and was let go. In her disdain she made a doll in the likeness to the child, Robert Eugene Otto, and gave it to him before she was dismissed from the property. From that point on, strange things kept happening around the home of the Ottos. Robert changed his name to Eugene at the bequest of his new friend who he named Robert. His parents could hear conversations from Eugene’s room but when Eugene stopped talking, a much lower and sinister voice would answer. When they barged in his room, only Eugene and his doll, Robert, would be in there, sitting on the floor as if they were playing perfectly normal.

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As the years went on the Ottos finally had enough of the doll and took it away from Eugene, locking it up in the attic. People walking past the home would report that a childlike shape would pace in front of the windows and even use profanity and giggle at them. The Ottos were well aware of the presence but chose to keep it a family secret until after the parents’ death and Eugene was old enough to purchase the house.

It gets better. Eugene married and moved in to his childhood home. Shortly after, he found Robert in the attic amongst a number of boxes. It was as if time had never stopped between the two. He kept Robert at his side at all times and this creeped his wife out something severe. In fact, she wrote in her journals that she could hear giggling with footsteps all over the house. She even said that the face of the doll would twist and morph into a demonic expression. When she demanded Eugene get rid of the doll he would fly into a rage and then snap out of it, as if it was Robert acting through him. Finally they compromised and Robert was sent to live in the upstairs terrace with a view. But that was not the end.

Eugene’s wife slowly descended into madness and eventually died from unnatural causes. Eugene soon followed but Robert stayed in the terrace. Then a few years later another family moved into the house and Robert became active again. The new tenants had a little girl who quickly took to Robert, even though the parents were not too thrilled with the new playmate. Almost the exact same phenomenon started again. The parents would hear chatter but with an unrecognizable voice. Footsteps would pace above the dining room and even the little girl would become frightened of her new friend. In fact, she is still alive and doing interviews, claiming that Robert would get up and attack here at night. The family did not last long in the home and now that Robert is removed, it’s a cozy B&B. FUCK THAT.

My favorite story, was the one from the museum. It is a detailed police report from a plumber who was working in the home alone. When he went to “Robert’s room” he felt uneasy around the doll. It wasn’t until he was almost done that he heard footsteps running behind him only to find the doll in a different location. When he finished up and headed down stairs he heard it again and when he turned around, Robert was on the floor in a different position. He stood in silence and right behind him erupted a chilling laughter which had him sprinting for the door.

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Today, Robert is safe in a glass case and is residing at the Ft. East Martello Museum right next to the Key West Airport. But even though he is in a glass case, employees and lots of visitors claim he is still up to his tricks by turning off lights, giggling and even touching people.

When I was there, I took a number of photos of the doll. Before I could get up to the case one of the museum’s guides damn near bit my head off for not asking for permission. I thought he was talking about himself but then the guide pointed at Robert. Apparently if you don’t ask for permission, not only will all the photos come out blurry but he might put a curse on you. And by the tone of the museum’s guide, he truly believed in it.

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Before I asked Permission. Can you tell?

In fact, all my pictures turned out blurry until I asked for his permission. coincidence? Possibly but I am not messing around with it. That is one scary little doll.

Here is a quick little video where you can see what I am talking about. Truly the creeps!

 

The Headless Horseman In My Office

I have a weakness for CVS Halloween decor. During late August I pop into a CVS at least every other day to quickly traverse the aisles in hopes that some proactive manager gets an early jump on Halloween. I don’t know why I bother because they never start until the first week of September and all I really look like is a meth maker checking out the supply of cold medicine. I don’t like getting the suspicious eye from a twenty year old CVS clerk with a crossed out name tattooed on his neck.

What I was really looking for was a replacement to the Grim Reaper I bought last year who, unfortunately, did not survive and broke in half. I did not find him BUT I found something so much better. In fact, I will be hard pressed to find anything better this Halloween season.

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Introducing The Headless Horseman himself from the famous folklore tale of Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. It is not only a great Halloween display but it just so happens to be my favorite horror icon of all time. Ever since I was a young kid, that story captivated my imagination and chilled me to the bone. Even the Disney version! From the creepy autumn setting of a superstitious northern New York town to the belief that at night no one would venture in the woods because that is where ghosts and specters lurked. I love it all even though that sort of thinking back then led to witch hunts and burning at the stake. Oh well.

This guy is pretty big with a height just under six feet. Not bad for a price tag around $60! You will see in the video he doesn’t move around but his pumpkin lights up and he says a few witty phrases that are either activated by pressing his hand or motion sensing. It’s a pretty neat addition but I really wish he had a Robert Goulet voice. RIP Bobby!

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It was pretty funny when I bought this guy at CVS because he kept going off in the box which was half the size of my car. Of course the clerk took a year to ring me up with all sorts of questions like, “Are you a CVS card member? Would you like to be? and “Is this for Halloween?”. It’s hard for me to tone the sarcasm when people throw me softballs. I was nice and said no.

Well, I won’t ramble on too much about this Halloween decoration that makes me want to sing a verse from “Putting On The Ritz” in a Peter Boyle style Frankenstein voice. I will just let you watch me ramble on about it and you can hear him for yourself. I must apologize for my appearance, I’ve been operating on a couple of hours sleep a night thanks to this place that gives me paychecks. I like paychecks.

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Also! This is just one of a couple Sleepy Hollow type posts that are coming your way. I have a special treat with an artist who isn’t far from me who art-ed this commission just for me! It’s a special so be excited! (Art-ed does not sound as smart when said aloud)

 

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