Jones Halloween Cans….Just don’t chug it


Well, it’s that time of year again. The mid September temperatures have become noticeably cooler, Matt Caracappa’s site X-Entertainment has kicked off the fifth annual Halloween Countdown and stores have now started stocking costumes and spooky treats to insure no malicious tricks. This year also brings a new fun treat for me with the much anticipated Jones Halloween Sodas. Every year these sodas embody what Halloween should be and that is pure campy fun no matter if the flavors are nectar of the Gods or the shit of Satan. They come in many flavors that are separated by bottles and mini cans. Today I am going to try some of the canned flavors and show my reaction.

First on the list is “Gruesome Grape” and I am going to go out on a limb and say this is just grape soda. The can is pretty cool with it being all grapey. That was the stupidest sentence I have ever written. I wish Jones came up with something cooler than grape soda. Next year, have a Dr. Frankenstein combination of grape and clamato juice soda. Now that’s Halloweeny. Let’s have a look at the taste test.

That's it. Gruesome Grape.
Here goes nothin'

Real grapes!
Gruesome Grape was what I thought so now onto the soda that really pulled one over on me. I have never been a fan of anything artificially flavored strawberry. I don’t know why but it never seems to really hit the spot where I say, “now that’s strawberry!” I think it’s because I actually ate a Strawberry Shortcake doll when I was much younger. Still drinking age but much younger. Back to the point. I really dug the Jones Strawberry/Lime soda, “Strawberry S’Lime”. Here is a photo depiction of skepticism turned approval.

I donno. Looks like shiiirawberry...

Down the hatch!
Thanks Ronnie. I couln't say it better.

With Ronnie James Dio’s help, I express my approval for Jones “Strawberry S’Lime” sode. Maybe it was the lime or maybe my expectations for anything strawberry were just very low. What ever the reason is, I like it. That’s enough for me to give three spins in socks on linoleum for it and that’s a good thing. On to my most anticipated soda; “Lemon Drop Dead.”

Anything lemon/lime makes me pretty darn happy. If Sprite could cure cancer I am pretty sure I would die from something else. (That’s another dumb sentence.) So the flavor “Lemon Drop Dead” was something right up my alley. Enough with the talk, let’s drink some!

I love the can too. Very cute.
This is the same drinking shot. Once you see one...

FUCK!

Holy shit that was sour! I didn’t see the sour warning on the side of the can. I swear my right testicle was suck up and I had to be dropped Indian style off the couch. All I can say to describe it is, imagine chugging pure lemon juice and then have someone stick their thumbs right behind where your jaw meets the bottom of your ear and press in. GNGAAA!

Last and definitely least I present to you the pride of what Jones company does best and that is to make unnatural flavors. Here is “Candy Corn” soda. Like the Thanksgiving assortment, Turkey and Stuffing soda, I am expecting this to be pretty harsh. Here we go.

Oh God!

This feels like the time I syphoned gas.


That actually happened after I drank the Candy Corn soda. But don’t worry, the face is back to normal. Much like poor Marty, it was just a hallucination. Mine was from ester gum and yellow 5, not evil spirits, though. This was a can of funk but I still love it for what it is, a Halloween awesome novelty. Only in America can you get a soda, hate the taste but drink it anyway because the can is aces.

Well, thank you Jones Soda Company! You did it again and it wouldn’t be the Season of the Witch without you. Whether the flavors are enough to make me high-five myself or make me tear my face off, you have a spot in my heart. Next week I’ll try the bottles but the cans get an A. Good job and I can’t wait for the Holiday pack in November.

5 Comments

  1. Your writing so much you even write from the future? Damn, that’s good…I need to catch up….
    Still, as always, good stuff….

  2. I think I love the grape picture too much

  3. First one to read last one to post a comment figure that one out. If they were going to come back out with pitch black again this year they already would have and I don’t see it so I am super bummed :( But my walmart doesn’t have game fuel so I think this town is just retarded when it comes to getting the latest and greatest products. Safeway is alright though. I enjoy strawberry kiwi soda and just strawberry soda. I don’t really except for pitch black enjoy grape anything. And yes I did try gruesome grape last year I thought it was ok didn’t particularly care for it. I bought years ago an assorted bag of jolly ranchers I ate all of them except the grape ones and stuffed the grape ones in the back of my desk drawer, my cousin found them and I told him he could have them. I think what traumatized me is one time when my family and I were camping my Grandma bought some store brand grape soda it was in a 3 liter jug and it sat in the trailer all day with it hotter in there it seemed then outside so it was like boiling grape soda soup. Delish.

    Last year when I tried these Jones Cola sodas (except the Strawberry s’lime, and lemon drop dead) I noticed they were incredibly sour. They were like warheads in soda form. And I think that was my first experience with the tiny cans.

  4. The Lemon Drop Dead was a bottle flavor last year. If you think the mini-cans were bad, a whole bottle made my whole body invert so much that I actually went inside-out-inside. I’m looking forward to getting the bottles at Target, as I picked up the cans last week at Sam’s Club.
    I think I may give them out as prizes at my Halloween party…either that or have a Jones Soda drinking contest.

  5. Ohh, maan! I am one of the sick f*cks that love the Candy Corn flavored soda. I hoarded them until January, I did. mmm.
    candy.
    corn.
    soda.

    i love being american.


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