Am I Alone On This?


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I would love to see the Heenes have a reality show. True they exploited their kids in a ridiculous plot that had the world, me included, praying the kid would be okay but if you go to any child beauty pageant or talent agency you’ll see some real scary parents. I’m just saying, I would change my schedule around if the Heenes had a show. And most likely buy seasonal DVD’s. If Mike Vick can come back for doing the unthinkable, I believe we have it in our hearts to forgive the Heenes and watch their insanity from the safety of our couch. I mean, the kid’s name is Falcon and he blew chunks on national TV. This is gold people! And if Mr. Heene would say “one point twenty one gigawatts!” I would be a loyal fan for life.

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Jon and Kate Gosselin is a perfect example of what money and fame will do to your soul if you let it. It’s not fair for me to say that they love their thrust to stardom more than their kids but it doesn’t look good for them. I have been watching the show since it started and while my manhood just took a hit for admitting that, I really did like it. It was a “feel-good” show that reminded us that there is still family value programing  in television. Well, when the bucks started flowing, Kate started jet-setting across the country on book tours and Jon changed from mild-mannered prep to biker-douche, the show’s premise took a backseat. And that premise is their beautiful kids. I can only imagine how confused all those kids are right now.

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What the fuck is The Hills? Is it a reality show or are they actors? I breeze past MTV while channel surfing because if you stay on that channel too long you risk getting what doctors call hippodropadumpess where you will actually shit your own hippocampus. It’s true. Look it up. Anyway, my friend is a huge Hills fan and I just don’t get it. But it’s safe to say that the dickhole above needs to be killed off the show. So, I kind of hope it is a reality show after all. :)

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I’m going to say it. If I disappear than you will know they got me. Oprah sucks. Now before the men in black take me away for slandering one of the top people who control the world let me explain. My mom is a big fan of hers. Anything that Oprah says is good, Mom will buy. Anything that Oprah says is bad, Mom will denounce. There is such a large demographic that her show reaches Oprah has the ability to control the masses. She controls my mother. Hopefully she hasn’t already gotten to you.

When I asked Mom why she was such an Oprah follower she told me that Oprah was very personable and was easy to identify with. I had no idea that she can identify with a multi billionaire that has a yacht the size of the USS Roosevelt and has a staff that contractually obligated to secrecy. In that case, Mom must think I am from the planet Plee Blip.

I have a theory that Oprah eats children. Oops, I have said too much. They are definitely coming for me now.

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I think I need to read more books.

Edit: Just finished watching “Brothers and Sisters” on ABC.  It’s a good thing that I don’t believe in guns (as a non hunter) because I would have shot myself. Most likely blown off Rupert. That show probably gave me diabetes. There is a point when ‘cute’ is ‘sick’. This show…fuck. There are no words. Ok, there are. But I can’t say that infront of the ladies.

 

 

 

38 Comments

  1. If they’re coming to get you they’re gonna have to take me too my friend. I HATE Oprah! There I said it! I just don’t get the appeal of her at all. My mom used to be a big fan of hers as well but finally wised up when she realized that Oprah was not going to give her a brand new car just for watching.

    As for The Hills and all of that other crap MTV shows..yeah why are these people famous again? I don’t get the whole Hills/Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian thing either. Ok I’ve gotten that off my chest, thanks for letting me vent.

    • Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for letting ‘em have it, Dan. :)

  2. All I can say is ditto to both you and Dan. Oprah bugs and so do all the “reality” shows on MTV and E!

    • I knew there was a reason you are one of my favorites, N.

  3. the hills is a mystery… a mystery that i love. :)

    • It s a mystery. Kind of like the Grail in Indiana Jones. I am afraid of having my face melt off if I get too close.
      You are braver than me. But tell me that douche above doesn’t make you want to throw something heavy and sharp.

  4. I’d much rather read a book

  5. You are not alone…I’m with you about Oprah!

    • Where have you been, young lady?

  6. The only thing I know about the Hills is through the clips on The Soup. I don’t really watch reality shows like that, I think it’s sad that Americans get entertained too easy. I feel if I watched them too I would just be yet another dumb American buying into it. I know some people it’s a guilty pleasure for them but I feel as long as people keep on watching they will be on the air.

    Nobody talks about how cool of a name Falcon is. I wish I was named Bald Eagle or some shit. Falcons are bad ass. Yeah they’ll probably get a show. The clips the Soup played of them on Wife Swap were crazy and I bet there is plenty more of that.

    Oprah, I don’t watch her unless a lot of people talk about a particular episode. We get a cable station that airs Oprah at 7pm a week after the regular networks so if there is enough of a buzz I make sure to DVR it on that station. I missed Mike Tyson on there though dammit. That would of been good, too bad there isn’t a hulu type of website that hosts those shows. They have a woman demographic too. My opinion of her I don’t care either way. But I watch Tyra Banks sometimes too, I grew up on bad daytime talk shows. I learned a lot from them lol a little too much. An 8 year old shouldn’t know what a prostitute is especially a drug addicted prostitute etc.

    I enjoy these types of blogs from you that are a bunch of topics in one blog.

    • I agree! Falcon is a great name. Actually, any birds of prey sound pretty cool for a name. I’ll call you Bald eagle. Call me Osprey. :)

      • OMG! I feel we should be in a treehouse right now with a flashlight, comic books, a sears catalog flipped open to the lingerie section, a pitcher of cherry koolaid and plastic glasses, and one of our older sister’s diaries at about 9pm at night.

      • Totally Eagle!

  7. I hate reality TV. I don’t like watching other people’s fucked-up lives. It’s depressing. If I want to watch fucked-up lives I’ll just go down to my local Walmart or something.

    Also, I’ve never been able to stand Jon and Kate. That show makes me wish that people were required to pass some kind of test before they’re allowed to reproduce. I feel so sorry for those kids. It’s not their fault their parents are assholes.

    Oprah, bah. I wish I could get paid boocoos of money to sit around and talk to people all day. It’s scary how women seem to worship her.

    Also, I’m convinced that watching MTV for more than 30 minutes a day causes brain damage.

    • MTV does caluash blain drabbage. LU OH!

  8. I’m also confused about the status of The Hills. I’d poke my eyes out rather than watch MTV reality shows, so I think I will never know.

    • And not knowing is the entire battle! GI JAAAAANNNEE!

  9. Watching TV=fun

    Being on TV= ruin your life

    But seriously, I have to imagine that is a hard thing to turn down, instant fame and money and all you are supposed to do is live your life as normal just with cameras. When the show’s come a knockin’, I hope you say no, Billy.

    • You wouldn’t watch my reality show?

      • Of course. And tell everyone that I ate walleye with that guy on the Tv :)

  10. You watched John and Kate? Like, voluntarily? Time to turn in the man card. I am only kidding. I would have watched the show if it was about the kids and how the parents cope with daily life. But, when it is about John and Kate bickering..who gives a shit.
    I agree that Oprah sucks. Why does her opinion matter to so many people? Isn’t her frame of reference a little askew now that she is looking through muilti-billion dollar glasses? How does her audience relate?
    I think the men in black are here gotta go.

    P.S.- I lost 11 pounds so far. Stop by my blog when you get a moment-I just vaccumed and poured a couple of Michelob Ultras.

    • Holy shit! 11lbs? That is so awesome! Be right over.

      Congrats, man. Really.

  11. And Josh wonders why I purposefully eschew anything with the Oprah seal of approval. Also, is it not amazing how nobody really knew who the hell the Gosselins were before she went and space-butched up her hairdo? Kind of like Mrs. Beckham was nothing more than an ex-Spice Girl before she went and started looking like a Martian herself….

    • I know!!! I have said she has the Gozer-cut and no one sees it except, for of course, you. Thank goodness!

      • OMG SHE DOES HAVE THE GOZER CUT.

      • It’s a pretty brutal haircut. Relatively punk until she got ahold of it and homogenized it. Now my “edgy” haircut gets all lumped in with soccer moms.

  12. Hiya Bill, this is Nicole from X-E. I’ve been reading your entire blog instead of working (okay, okay, I do about two hours of actual work) for a couple of weeks now and I have to say that you are both hysterical and an inspiration. I love your writing and how you do both funny/chortle-worthy and touching/tear-jerking so well. I have found myself both giggling aloud and holding back tears these past couple weeks while reading. So thanks for sharing your gift with the world, because you really do have a gift for this.

    You’re inspirational because I’m thinking I might start my own blog. It’s the wave of the future after all, or something, and I have plenty of things to say about plenty of things. I’ve always been a writer but it’s something I haven’t done much of in a while so maybe a blog is just what I need. I’ve already got my first post all planned: how the people in those “before/after” ads are so totally not the same person.

    So thanks for keeping me from killing myself with a paper clip at my desk these past few weeks and thanks for sharing yourself with us all. You rock.

    And, Swayze needs more furry face time here. Just sayin’ :)

    • Hi Nicole!

      Wow, I don’t know what to say. Thank you very much for your compliments. I am really glad that you enjoyed some of my odd ramblings. Even if I contributed to your deliquencies at work. ;)

      Please please please start a blog! That would be great! I willl blogroll you here and demand everyone else do so too. :D

      Thanks again, Nicole.

      • Hey, no problem. Thank you for writing and for letting your true awesome self come through your words.

        As you can see, I’ve got the blog created at least. So feel free to stop by starting next week when I’ll actually have something up. :)

  13. Naybe all of them should get in a super-size ballon and float away.

    Raven
    http://cherokeebydesign.wordpress.com/

  14. Maybe I’ll hold off buying antennas for my digital converter boxes a little longer after while.

    Sadly, even without tv, I’m familiar with all those people thanks to the ‘People’ magazines I mooch off of my co-worker when she’s done with them. I don’t know anything about the actual tv shows, but I know the creepy looking guy with blond hair is married to someone who designs a line of jeans. I shouldn’t know stuff like that. I should be reading classic novels instead.

  15. oprah ate my kids

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