It’s A Cheap Cat Christmas Countdown!

It took me a whole day to post this horrible video on Youtube and between that and WordPress failing me again with their awful Videopress that I paid mucho dinero for, it’s truly a Christmas miracle that I didn’t set fire to a Walgreens.

I told myself the day that my videos would be about cat ornaments it was time to take up fire-hangliding. Well, that day has arrived because for $1.79, there was no way “FUBAR” the cat was not coming home with me. In addition to a random cat ornament I also received quite a lot of trivia about the cat species on the back of his box. Go ahead and ask me how many teeth a cat has. Go ahead!

So, here is the video and I love how through the whole thing I failed to notice the top of my head is cut off. Whatever, my videos are always a bit dumb. Okay, very dumb.

Goodbye

Well, I guess this was coming. I mean, I post about as regular as Jamie Lee Curtis. (Activia joke) I need to get a different forum and narrow the topic to a specific direction. While Veggiemacabre has been great, I am a different person than 2007. Maybe better or maybe worse but not the same. I loved this place and the people I have met through it.

I know Matt ended X-E and started DinosaurDracula. This is sort of the same thing but going forward you will see more of a media side since I have invested so much into software. I have a vision and as soon as the know-how happens you’ll see. Thank you for a wonderful five years. Watch below to get the skinny.

By the way, Veggiemacabre.tv will still be here. Just leaving this blog.

Good Journey!

Surprise Wolf Shirt. We Had A Good Run.

They say bad things happen in threes and I am really counting on that to be a truism. In one day I had to replace the entire rear brake system in the car, destroyed my iPhone and the epic shirt that has come to be known as the “surprise-wolf” shirt is stained beyond wear because I do laundry about as well as this guy can lull a baby to sleep with a lullaby. The brakes and phone are just a fact of life but I can’t get over the loss of this shirt. For five dollars at a Value Village it has brought me fame and fortune. Well, maybe not that but it has complimented my version of style. Let’s take a trip back to 2008.

I had just recently moved to the great white northwest and trying to blend in I figured that corporate attire might not translate so I figured what better way to show the natives that I too was down with style of the time. So I bought a wolf-scape shirt and was eager to grow a beard to complete the transition from suit to mountain man. (minus the Cubs hat)

The joke was kind of on me though because most people in rural North Idaho freaking hate wolves. I mean they will shoot them and leave them on the side of the road. Apparently these majestic (once endangered) creatures like to rove in packs and destroy all in sight. And they just do it for fun too. It’s not uncommon to see a bumper sticker stating their approval of the “kill all wolves bill” that was actually voted on in the state congress.

So it is completely my modus operandi to rock this shirt to a bar where 9 out of 10 people believe that by wearing this wolf shirt I am not only a bleeding heart liberal but also with the Taliban. I felt like I showed up to a breast cancer awareness rally sporting a shirt that says “I’m more of a butt and leg guy”. So the shirt only had a few wears until I moved down from the mountain and to a more progressive city where it was looked at as more of a hipster shirt than my real intension of wanting to be…tough?

There was a particular party that a little hidden gem was found in this infamous shirt. While mingling with the masses as I proudly sported my wolf shirt a girl stopped  and paid a compliment to my “beautiful four wolves on the tummy”. Four wolves?? From what I had known there where just three but before I jumped to conclusions and poured my beer on her head for confusing math with feet I went to the restroom to take a closer look. And I found a…

FUCKIN’ SURPRISE WOLF…IN A TREE!!! This blew my mind. There were so many thoughts running through my mind like why did I never notice this before? How many people have I met while wearing this and told them how proud I was of my three wolves (Alex, Joan and Dale)only to look like quite the fool to leave out the surprize wolf that has since been named Paul? Why did the artist put this wolf up in a tree? Does he/she just like to draw wolf heads? So many questions.

Well, I came out of the bathroom enlightened and proceeded to show off the surprise wolf to anyone who would listen. It may have been similar to a two-year old carrying around his potty to a dinner party gathering showing what he did. Regardless, that night changed the scope of that shirt and I walked a little taller knowing I had a shirt with a wolf in a tree. Or standing behind a tree trunk. No matter.

Today I look at the stained shirt and after writing this odd obituary I am not yet ready to let it go. No, I think there is a time and a place where I can get away with this shirt that has survived my time in Idaho and reminds me all the time of the most beautiful people who are still in my life. Strange how such silly things bring back the best memories. So when I wear this and people comment on its less-than-white appearance I will ask them who the press secretary is. FACE!

But I will admit there was a grown man who cried in his shirt when he thought he ruined it.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

Do you have completely irrational fears? Not like a fear of being trampled to death at a Miley Cyrus concert or a fear of the moon falling into the Earth, because while those are odd fears and highly unlikely to happen, they are plausible. I am talking about fears that defy logic and reality. I am about to share one of mine with you and it all started on a summer day in the year 1985 when my Uncle Nat introduced me to the movie, Jaws.

I can’t think of a single movie that had that much of an effect on me. Going to the beach every summer always had a shadow of a shark looming in my head and I was content to just make sand castles for my micro-machines, drink Ecto Cooler Hi-C and get grit in my mouth from eating Doritos with sandy fingers. But when I was told to go rinse off, that music, oh that music started in my mind and I was ever so quick to get in and get out while other kids played in the surf. No surf fun for me. I saw what happened to Alex Kintner. 

Since that fateful day in 1985 I have had this lurking unease that a giant great white shark could appear at most any body of water to include lakes, ponds, SWIMMING POOLS, jacuzzis, baths, really hard rains, full sinks and toilets. I even had a dream that there was a free-floating shark roaming around my house and I had to hide in the fridge to escape being eaten. Then Rue McClanahan showed up and things got weird but that’s for another post. I need to stay focused.

Even today as a rational, working and (maybe) intelligent adult, I still get an unease that somewhere there is a swimming devil that wouldn’t mind chewing me up. This plagues my soul and got me thinking. Have you ever read the Stephen King book, Mist? I might be mistaken but essentially the military accidentally opens up a…something, and all these horrid creatures come out and kill people in the worst ways imaginable. What if (stay with me here) a parallel universe crossed with ours and air-breathing great white sharks that can fly showed up and could hide and attack when least expected! I seriously have thought about this. And I think it would look very much like this:

 

 

How to Make “Hate Pizza”

I can’t really put my finger on when I started to be a fan of spicy food but as far as I can remember, it started in my early adult years. Actually, the more I think about it, my contempt for bland food began in the Army which led me to dowse everything with Tabasco. Since then I have ventured far up the Scoville unit scale , turning Tabasco from what used to be a heated nasal enema to mere sprinkles on a sunday.  My stomach can probably break down a twelve gauge shotgun shell with little more than a hiccup and taps to the chest.  But with this found glory of dastardly concoctions comes a lonely road where no one wants to eat everything I cook for fear of  reenacting a Bean-O commercial. I get it. Then there is Halloween with parties and I see a chance to disguise my love as a gimmicky party-food novelty. Oh I have sights for them to see. Let me teach you how to make the Devil’s pizza or how it has come to be known: Hate Pizza.

Okay. First off you need pre-made pizza crust (preferably thin) and coat it in extra virgin olive oil. I, myself, am very particular about the kind of EVOO but in reality it doesn’t matter for this particular pizza. Also, I didn’t make my own crust because when people are eating this they aren’t going to comment about how amazing the crust is but rather wonder if hitting their mouths with a hammer would reduce the burn.

You will also notice those attractive orange peppers known as habaneros. Yes, they are powerful and each one can ruin a night depending on your palate. I add eight of these lovelies and before we mince, I take off the stems because…people eat will eat this you know.

I load up all eight into the ol’ SlapChop and pound the bajeebus out of them until they are finely minced. Also, I add six garlic…things. You know, the whole pieces off the clove? You know what I mean.

That looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? Actually, right after I took this picture the mixture of the over ripe garlic and habaneros combined to almost knock me over. My eyes and nasal passages took a time out and I had to go outside and blindly pace the yard, hoping insult to injury wouldn’t result in dog poop on the shoes.

The sauce. Any good chef knows the magic of a good pie rests in the sauce. I prefer Don Pepino to Ragu sauce. Actually I prefer motor oil to Ragu but that is letting my snippy side out. You will notice that only about 1/4 of the can is used. “But Will”, you ask, “how will only 1/4 of a can of pizza sauce be enough to cover the whole pizza crust?” Good question!

Because I am adding a whole blammin’ jar of super hot Sriracha Hoy Fu Kong sauce! And it is amazing! If you have never been to a Vietnamese restaurant and had Pho or any other dish you are missing out. This is where I fell in love with Sriracha and have been looking for a good cross-dish. And sista’, I have found my medium.

While applying the sauce to the pre-made crust I thought making a devil face would be appropriate. All it ended up looking like was a frog. But it’s an EVIL frog!

We are almost there. At this point the oven is preheating to 475. A whole medium size bag of shredded mozzarella is evenly spread over the pie and the habaneros and garlic follow.  But we aren’t quite done yet.

It’s said Lucifer comes as an attractive and friendly character. Slicing one jalapeno, make a smiley face. It’s as if it is saying, “It’s okay. If you don’t like hot foods, you can take off my eyes. Everything will be alright.”

Let’s bake this bitch! The oven is all preheated and I turn the temp from 475 to 425. The average bake time is between 10 to 13 minutes. Maybe different if you are baking this on Mt. Everest. While this bakes, decontaminate everything! The seeds from one habanero can cause the dog to create a family historical event like “The 2011 Ass-plosion Dog/Couch Event”. You need to wash your hands and scrub under the fingernails. Being a spicy food fanatic, there has been many forgetful pee breaks resulting in…milk. I’ll leave it at that.

Those few minutes pass fast and before you know it the house is filled with the aroma of pain. This looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? It’s funny to think this is a vegetarian friendly pie. In my mind, vegetarians always seem so sweet.  This must be angry lefty anarchist type of veggie friendly food.

Well, I wouldn’t recommend this for a just any occasion. It’s Halloween and parties need to have one or two novelty food items. This is fun for bets or to show off who can brave a bite of the hottest pizza around. Or, if you have no soul, this Hate Pizza an be used for revenge. Because revenge doesn’t always have to be a dish best served cold.

Happy Halloween.

EDIT!

Apparently people didn’t hate the “Hate Pizza”. A bunch of crazy assholes, says me!

Fall Beer Review 2

Okay okay I know. By the stroke of midnight I really meant by the stroke now. Typical me in the blogging world to over promise and under deliver but with my new position in the real world and less time to sit on my duff and drink beer while syncing flash animation advertisements to Flock of Seagulls (yes, I really do this), I have found that quality over quantity reviews win the day. I know that these reviews aren’t for everyone because, well let’s face it, beer isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But I do hope to add a little something for everyone. After this review I will just tack on a review as a bonus to real articles going forward. We still have a way to go this season so lets jump in and pop the top of the first two brews. Don’t tell me you forgot the bottle opener!

The HEX Ourtoberfest from Magic Hat Brewing Co. located in Burlington, VT is one of the first beers that I nearly broke my neck taking a double-take while walking past the beer aisle last week. It has one of the greatest looks, art and names of any spooky-time beer that I have seen since…ever, really. It screams colonial creeps with the iron gate logo and the name “Hex” font-ed in thorny branches. But like Bugs Bunny taught us, just because it looks hot doesn’t mean what’s under the dress isn’t a rabbit with nuts.  How does it perform?

It definitely has the autumn hue that an American made October brew tends to have. The taste, however, is very different. Right from the first taste you get less a hoppy/spice taste and more of a tart/smokey flavor. It was an awesome surprise especially after thirty pumpkin spice beers to have a roundhouse kick to the palate to clean it of pie and paint it with smoked molasses. I never thought I would say “smoked molasses” in a positive way. The Magic Hat Brewery states that it has a blend of fermented apples, caramel and smoked cherry wood malt that gives it the different taste.

I will say this about Hex and that is if you are looking for a very different blend that will keep you interested in seasonal beers, this is your homecoming date. It’s a smokey sweet lighter beer that makes you want to chop wood. The strange part is that this beer is only available until October 15th. I am not really sure why they made such an early date in the season to pull Hex but if you have the means and you can find it, I highly recommend buying this and maybe extras to keep in the cellar.

I give it three singing Elvises.

Hello Weyerbacher Autumn Fest Brew, how are you? I love the name Weyerbacher. I assume it’s German because I keep wanting to pronounce it “Vierbocker” in a very WWII German officer accent. “Vee have vays to make you talk.” Anyway, this is a great full body brew from Easton PA that doesn’t really break away from the fray when it comes to another American Oktoberfest type beer. Same copper color and mildly sweet malty taste. What I love about this beer, of course, is the awesome farm-scape scene with the creepy scarecrow and harvest moon-lit yellow sky. I really wish I could line the walls of the house with prints of all these beers but perhaps my life shouldn’t imitate art. It’s already a satirical cartoon.

I give it two flying toasters.

A couple of nights ago while reviewing these beers I decided that putting catnip in the bottom of  a Frankenstein’s monster mug would make for a good title page shot. I forgot how fat the cat is and when he got his head stuck, Frank’s monster was the loser.

Had to bury him in the backyard.

 

 

BACK TO VEGGIEMACABRE.TV

SKEEEEE KABLOOM!!! crackle crackle crackle

Those were firework sounds.

So I am back and this time I am here to stay. I know this has been said before but seriously, this time I mean it. I have crossed a new milestone my friends and one I never thought I would. I have gone two months without a single blog. There will be two spaces on my blog-monthly-list you see to the left, that will be forever vacant. But trust me, my real life that I include in these streaming words of consciousness is just as vacant. Nothing really happened.  Somewhere, someone had an earth-shattering life experience that many years from now can tell you where and when they were in the time that life merely skipped by me and I feel good to say….it’s okay. I am glad that there are two missing months to forget. It teaches me to appreciate the months that are present. At least on my blog.

Anyway, BIG NEWS!!!! Review the World. com and Veggie Macabre are teaming up. I consider it to be like the Ultimate Warrior and Rowdy Roddy Piper teaming up or perhaps maybe eating and living. Pretty much two great combos. I have been a huge fan of Brian and his web-page for years so I am very fortunate to get this opportunity. I have a feeling between the TV portion and the random articles, he and I will make this the internet that I have always wanted; loving the little things and and doing it with a sense of humor. Kind of like this.

erf!

 

Why I Blog

Why is it that I always experience true hilarity with no one around to share it with? Sometimes I feel like I am in the movie, They Live, and only I notice what is going around me. But instead of sunglasses that revile submission signs and skeletoned-alien faced creatures, I just over analyse each and every human exchange and wait for the punchline.

I was grocery shopping the other day and after two cups of tea and a bottle of water I made a detour to the latrine before proceeding to the produce. But before I could get there I passed by a gentleman who was followed by another leaving the said restroom. Here was the exchange between the two:

Man 2-”Sir! Sir?….You forgot your book in the stall.”

Man1- “Oh…thank you.’

Man2-”He dies at the end. Have a good day!”

Man1-”…..”

Okay, there is so much funny here I don’t know where to begin. I mean one, the guy brings his reading material to the grocery store (that’s planning ahead), two he forgets it, three some good samaritan picked it up off the ground (unless the reader has sever prostate issues, I don’t think he was finishing a chapter while peeing. Ew.), four the good samaritan turns out to be a spoiler-dick of a person and of course five, the speechless expression on man1′s face.

See? I never get to share these experiences with anyone. And that, my friends, is why I blog because I will see something like this below, turn to my fellow passenger and it will be gone. Damn it.

Beer, Bees and Vurps

It’s time for another wonderful beer review. This time we have breached the wire into the Holiday brews more commonly refered to as “Winter Ales” and to be honest with you, I’m not a huge fan. I am not a person for sweet stuff. Not even remotely. So when you add a ton of sugar and spices to man’s greatest invention, you can tell that I’ll turn my nose high and make my patented shit face. But a few do pass the test. The first couple did not. Actually in the 5th video I almost lose it. I’ll explain in a minute.

But first here is a beer that I hate.Proving that just because you wear an “It’s All Good” shirt doesn’t make everything “all good”. Oh, and my cat attacks a bee and I become a concerned parent. Such a sad life I lead at times.

You can actually skip ahead to the last 2 minutes of this and witness a true “boomerang” shot of beer. I don’t recall why, but when I drank the last sip it did not sit well at all and I had a mild episode. Of sorts. Thanks Mike for capturing the moment when I fought the need to yarf on the camera.

One small step for me, one giant leap backward for my manhood. Enjoy.

This blog will not turn into a beer vlog, I promise. I just need to post a few of these for a commitment I made. An over-commitment actually.

 

Halloween Came…and Left. Turkey

Well, all the October hype for a pretty uneventful Halloween. But isn’t that the way it always goes? I never know what I am really expecting to have happen each year but when November first arrives, I have a little bit left to be desired. Next year I think I may just sit in the most sincere pumpkin patch I can find and wait for…November first.

I did manage to dress up this year and go to a couple of parties with friends. (yes, I have them) Still recovering from a pneumonia bout, I really wasn’t my usual self and going crazy wasn’t really in the cards. Too bad too because everyone else was. Check out the costume I made for $10! If I ever have kids, this is the type of costumes they are going as.

So now that this Halloween business is over it’s time to press ahead to what is rapidly becoming my favorite holiday; Thanksgiving. This is a perfect holiday. There are no expectation, just friends and family. Oh and turkey, beer, eggnog, football, putting up the tree, pumpkin pie, stuffing, Macy’s Day Parade, the annual showing of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, a morning marathon and beer. Did I already mention beer? Of course I did and to press ahead with Fall to Winter here is another beer review. These are getting spaced out and we still have the Tumble on-board but just wait for the winter selection! We have one “on scene” too!

So, I am still pretty ill in this one and while drinking beer isn’t the best idea, I sacrifice for you. Sorry I look like h double hockey sticks. Oh and the creepy beginning and end. Thanks for watching and please, try a few of these if you can find them. We wouldn’t steer you wrong. Unless you don’t like beer then we will steer you into a tree.

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