FLTO: Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

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There are two types of people in the world; those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t. My wife loves him.” -Bob Wiley

I believe that applies to crackers, as well. I, myself, am a Triscuit man. I have stated that since the fledgling days of VeggieMacabre and some two thousand boxes later, I still sing Gordon Lightfoot sad melodies when I reach the bottom of one. But every-so-often I cheat and pick up a box of Nabisco’s retarded sister, Wheat Thins. And that only happens when Wheat Thins come out with a wacky flavor.

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For a limited time only, Wheat Thins now comes in a briny dill pickle flavor that dogs love! And, truth be told, I don’t hate them either. It’s all about the real pickle taste and the Nabisco scientists really got this one nailed.

It’s pretty crazy how absolutely dill picklish these crackers are. I must warn you, however, after fourteen crackers you need to drink seven hundred gallons of water. Really not sure if it’s the brine taste or the massive amount of sodium but holy crap, you ain’t winning a whistling contest after eating these.

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AND WHAT THE HECK IS “NATURAL FLAVOR WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVOR”??? It sounds both redundant and silly. It’s like me saying I’m a man with other man.

No…it’s not like that at all. That sounded completely wrong. Let me try that again. It’s like saying the black car is black with more black. I think we get it if you just state that the car is black. Just like if it has natural flavors, who cares if it has other natural flavors? Maybe I am just being picky.

So, if you are at the store and like pickles AND dig Wheat Thins, you might want to throw these in the basket with your lotion. They are only here for a limited time and that’s why I just spent twenty minutes writing about them.

 

 

Halloween For The Dogs

Before I commence on writing this post I would like to please ask you not to inform PETA about this article. The dogs loved doing this. Well, at least one of them did.

Halloween is a time when we dress up and I believe it was originally intended to chase away evil spirits. Over the years it’s morphed into something quite different and now it’s all about slutty mail carriers and Miley Cyrus bears. I, myself, have not dressed up in a couple of years and I don’t have any kids to live vicariously through so my poor dogs get the brunt of my Halloween love. They have no choice. I pick up their poop.

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Meet my two furry models; Cosmo and Lolo Bean. They are the greatest dogs and give so much love it’s almost annoying but they are technically rescues so they should spread the love-vibe. If only I could get Cosmo to stop humping his blankets and Lolo so stop rooting through the bathroom trash basket.

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The first victim is Cosmo. Little Lolo could only watch in confusion while I wrestled Cosmo into his Prison Jumpsuit I bought from Target for the price of $11.99. It’s pretty cute and even has a little slot where the inmate number goes so you can write what his offenses are. I have a list like, barking at the next door neighbor’s kid, humping his blanket, chewing up my blankets, putting his wet snout on the center of my back when I am asleep, stealing Lolo’s chew treats and dropping tennis balls in the toilet. I decided to write “Being Cosmo”.

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It’s not too complicated of an outfit, but you can see he definitely doesn’t mind wearing it. Almost as if he feels good about it. A life of crime doesn’t pay, my friend, and you and I both know you get antsy in your crate. He does look cute running around in a onesy that is a size too small.

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Next victim is Lolo Bean. She’s a really patient type and lets me do pretty much anything other than clip her nails. She is wearing a cheerleader’s uniform I got from Target for $6.99 and I am not sure why this little piece of fabric costs so much. Regardless I slid her into the costume and found out that Bean might not qualify as a small dog.
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It’s pretty snug and you can tell from her expression she is anything but thrilled. She get’s lots of loves from everyone and I think a sense of entitlement is starting to take root with her. Either that or my continuing theory that she is plotting my murder by doing the only thing she can and try to suffocate me in my sleep. She even tries when I am away! You might think it’s cute how she forces her head over my mouth and nose and refuses to let me up but it is also weird and in the dark of her eyes, I see murder.

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SEE?!?! Evil in a “Rah Rah Ruff” costume.

It took awhile to wrestle Cosmo out of his jail suit for the next costume. It was a little more complex. It had a hat.

I bought him his second costume, again at Target, for the cool price of $24. Since Cosmo is a bottomless pit and will eat just about everything, I thought it was appropriate to dress him as a culinary professional. Or, as we know it, a chef. The issue with this costume is the hat. He takes off in a dead sprint for no real reason so I am expecting this hat to be chewed up and buried within the first hour of wearing it.

The main part of the costume wasn’t overly that complicated but it did involve a very low on the abdomen velcro belt and my forearm kept bumping his wiener which made for awkwardness and no eye contact for the rest of the night.

He’s a good boy but such a spaz! I could not get him to stay still long enough to successfully get everything in one fell swoop so I had to distract him with treats while I tied his kerchief, making sure he could still breath.

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Finally, we have the hat and it was not nearly as difficult as I was expecting. Believe it or not, it actually stayed on too! I think my friend and I laughed for a solid ten minutes when it was finally done. He looks half pathetic and half Gordon Ramsey.

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Trust me, he is a lot happier than he appears. In fact, I think I caught him checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. After he dropped another one of his tennis balls in the toilet. Very handsome, indeed.

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This is the look of something that will potentially shit in your shoe.

We finally come to the last costume, a dinosaur purchased at Target for around $15 and as you see, I didn’t put it on right. I though Lolo Bean was too fat for it but then upon closer inspection, I figured the top strap was for the neck, bringing the arms higher which made much more sense. Sorry I called you fat, Lolo.

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Not the greatest picture but here is what it is supposed to look like. Pretty fierce.

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She spent the rest of the night with her back turned to me. I fear for my life now.

That’s the pet costume show of 2013. I hope you dress your furry family members up too and share them with the rest of us.

You Need To Stop Finding Me Like This

Over the many years I have writing here at Veggiemacabre, it always amazes me in this wide wide world of the web how people come to find me. Sometimes it’s on purpose, sometimes it’s a random Google search looking to see what Aaron Dozier is up to. Most of the time it’s a photo search that just happens to link to my small restate in cyber space. But every so often there is the bizarre person who finds me in their perverse and twisted internet search. I am creeped out but in some small way, I appreciate them. Just randomly poking around the site stats, here are a couple from yesterday.

A long time ago I did a little workout to an old VHS workout tape of the former Good Morning America host, Joan Lunden. As a young blogger this was an opportunity that I couldn’t miss and at that time I had the time. Fast forward years later, I am still a source for people’s random searches looking for Joan Lunden. I will say this is the first time I have been a hopeful site that exposes Joan Lunden’s funbags.

I did a Google search for “Joan Lunden boobs” and wouldn’t you know it?

I was on the first page! Why am I proud of that? Granted, there were a few that had the word “breast” in some sort of Joan Lunden recipe site but if you want to talk about Joan Lunden’s hose-hounds, I’m your guy! Actually, I don’t think I ever mentioned her boobs in that post. But don’t tell the weirdos that. I need the site hits. I’m a sneeze away from a half-million.

I also like the “Oldest Female Celebrity That You’d Knock The Bottom Out Of”. *cough cough cough*

Okay, let’s see what other strange people are out there from this past week.

What the crap? Is this real or a dream? Are people meaning to make eye contact with their pets while they are shitting on the lawn? I can’t tell if I am more disturbed by the intentional search for “eyes of a dog trying to poop” or the fact that it led to me.

 

So, just like before I had to search for this just to see how far into the “search” I am and why. Dog poop? Fine. Dog’s eyes? Fine. Dog’s eyes while pooping? Nope.

Well, I couldn’t find an exact avenue leading me home from this search. Mainly worried owners who watch their dog shit. I had a dog years ago and I have no memory of watching him trot around the back yard looking for the perfect place to shit. I did, however, have an awkward moment when my cat was pooping and wouldn’t stop meowing. I just turned the TV up louder.

I am so sorry for this post. Perhaps I am tired from building this dang office or just the work week. Regardless, there are about five good ones on the way. But until then, deal with old boobs and dog poop. You’re welcome.

 

Dag-Nabbit!

I think that’s the phrase of the last couple of weeks. Lately I have been taking great strides towards not using the Almighty’s name in vein so “dag-nabbit” seems to do fine.  Here are a few examples.

  • “I have had four cups of coffee and I’m still sleepy. You would think that for the $35 I spent on this coffee for a charity, it would be better than Starbucks.”

2982910480_30defe7297 “Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “I love shitzus! They are like little people and they have such a great disposition. Can I pet him?”

Image028“Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Whew! Thank goodness I found a restroom after that 32oz Powerade.

……where are the urinals?”

190786603_2ded604006“Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Thanks for the messages, Erica. I’ll make sure to call this client right now.”

“Hello, this is Will from DMM. May I please speak to Matt…

IMG_0528Dag-Nabbit!”

  • “Why are there so many people laughing at me at stop lights? Is my car that dirty? I have to pull over and see what is so funny.”

IMG_0504“Dag-Fuckin’-Nabbit!”

You see? This has been one hell of a May so far. There is no way that the second half can go this way without my head spinning off it’s axis. At least it’s the 15th and a Friday.

God Damn it.

To Sum It Up…

I really have been ultra busy. It’s amazing how such a lull in life can precede such a tsunami of craziness. Let me try and catch you up on why I have neglected to both write and visit you. I really am sorry about that. :| So here are a few key points in my life as of late.

img_0518Almost kept a puppy! I was driving to the hospital a few weeks ago and this little guy ran out in front of me. I stopped, got out, fully expecting him to run away, and tied to see if I could read his tag. Instead of timid little guy he jumped straight into my arms. Of course he didn’t have a tag so I was forced to knock on all the neighboring houses looking for the possible owners. No luck so I put him in the car and took off to attend a course that I was already ten minutes late for.

Oddly enough he didn’t chew up or pee in the car. I spent an hour in the class nervously drumming my fingers, expecting the worse but when I came out he was propped up on the steering wheel, head cocked but tail wagging.

I really didn’t know what to do with him since finding the owners was a feat in and of itself. So, enlisted the help of friends and we did what anyone else would do. We kept him for the weekend and had a blast. He was a great dog. Almost like a stuffed animal that can move and poop.

Well, I contacted the local fire department where I found him since I have “connections” there and sure enough the chief knew the pup and the owners. It turns out the owners let him out for an hour each morning when the go to their horse field and clean the stalls. So, I pretty much kidnapped their dog for a weekend. I returned him to the fire chief anonymously and it was a little heartbreaking to hear him whine when I turned to get back in the car. I still have his chew toy on my floor board.

img_0491I came real close to buying the big box condo last Friday during a structure fire. Apparently, when I was on a single hose line a high voltage wire snapped from the heat of the fire and landed on the ground next to me causing a huge electrical arch that chard the ground around me, fried the hose and created a big blue light over top of me. I was oblivious to this until I heard screaming over my radio from the incident commander that I was on a live wire and to drop the hose. I did so and was stuck in one spot until the electric company could come out and turn off the electricity. Since then I have been a luck charm for the company and other stations. But I still have the creeps since everyone including the electrician kept repeating that there is no reason that I should have survived that. So technically, I shouldn’t be here writing you.

img_0537The fire departments have been consolidating and that means my hours have been cut pretty dramatically. So, I have been forced to dust off the ol’ resume’ and now I find myself back in corporate America until they finish the rezoning of the fire agencies. It’s cool I guess. I work as a consultant for a company that streamlines large businesses as far as their digital postage, copy, office supply and equipment. The first day on the job everyone called me Jim Halpurt. Great.

So, this is what I see instead of fire trucks and catastrophic scenery. I still can’t believe I am a suit again but at least I can still work rescue part time. Actually, it’s everything I can do not to stab myself in the leg with a pen. Shit, I’m lucky to have a job though. Listen to me! I’m bitching about having a job and take little regard for the fact I was almost a post-toasty last week. I’m sorry.

img_0153Last week it was 68 and beautiful. For the first time I was able to leave the confines of the shack that had been buried in snow to cruise the logging trails on a warm afternoon run. It was glorious! I had not felt this good in months and to see the snow gone and the lake completely free of ice made me want to…to…do everything! I wanted swim, no, run a marathon or ride bikes or play guitar by a campfire. Shit, there isn’t enough time. And there wasn’t. Today I got up and looked out my window to see this. Shit I did.

img_0507In defiance, I went running anyway. In shorts and a t-shirt none the less. I know it looks pretty but it’s almost May and I need this crap to go. Please mother nature. Take pity on this boy from the south east. He knows not what he’s done.

So, that is pretty much March and April. I trust Easter went well for everyone? I had a pretty good one. The highlight was watching my friend’s dog, Ruger, and his habitual face press against the sliding glass door. I love dogs.

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Seriously?

img_0245Why is it when you step in dog shit, you become aware of it after you have walked in the house? Really? Seriously?

Anyway, sorry I have been absent. This past week has been crazy to say the least. But, it has been an amazing one. So I am taking this weekend to post a couple of my archived blogs from months ago. For some reason I haven’t gotten around to finish them and tonight while I am snowed and fogged in, I will attempt to wrap them up. I bet you are excited.

Ok, lie to me at least.

And Now We Are Pals

So after the pooping on the shoe incident, I let bygones be bygones. I buried the hatchet. I let that ship sail. Two cats in a tree is better that one in a pot. What? Yeah. Anyway I made it a point to win over the dog that so outwardly despised me. And it only took a bag of Beggin Strips, 10 cookies and a few cheese slices. Here is a photo breakdown of how I became one with the animal kingdom.

Notice the treat at the bottom of the picture? It took almost 30 minutes of pacing for Kootenee to decide that it was worth the risk to eat it. All my high pitched baby talk never did anything but cause him to cock his head right and left. The key to a dogs heart is through the stomach.

So this is how it went for an hour or so. I would drop a treat closer and he would inch cautiously, nab the cookie and bolt to the corner of the porch. He chewed while he eyeballed me, making sure I didn’t make any advancements. I did feel pretty good that he was comfortable enough to nap for a while. I stayed seated, drink a beer and texting, patiently waiting for the next opportunity of a friendly exchange. And when my attention was distracted I looked to my left to see this:

This took me by surprise to say the least. I sat there in shock that he was able to creep so close without me noticing. The worst part was the fact I had run out of treats. I sure would hate to disappoint after he gambled to come so close. So I took the opportunity and reached my hand out to pet him. AND HE ATE MY ARM!

Just kidding. No, he actually allowed me to rub behind his ears and he even put his head down on my leg as I pet him. Talk about a 180!I didn’t risk giving him a hug but I’ll take a good pet on the head. He’s a good boy.

Now there is a happy dog! Do you see the smile? Yep, we are pals and it’s a good thing too. It get’s lonely on the mountain and it nice not have a source of contention when it’s not needed. I stayed out as long as possible but here it gets cold at night and I had a baseball game calling me inside. I felt a little sad when I left him outside. I mean look at him.

Poor guy. Oh well, pretty soon his owner came home and it was his real dinner time. At times I can hear the goings on upstairs and I did feel a little guilty when Kootenee’s owner yelled, “Oh Kootenee, no!” I just hope all those treats didn’t lead to explosive diarrhea on the couch.

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