Jelly Beans and What You Have to Know: Part 2

I think I have entered into a new low for VeggieMacabre with this idea. But still going forward I will just accept that once I have committed to do something, it’s best to see it through. There really isn’t a need for an introduction since the previous post was part one, so….

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Swedish Fish brand Jelly Beans! Or what I call, “Smorkgi Morks”. It isn’t a mystery by now that any candy brand that has a non-chocolate product is a jelly bean. These amazing fish that are enemy number one for all dentists, have gotten on the bandwagon for Easter. And really, they do taste just like their original candy but I don’t like that. I love the fish because, well, they are fish. It’s fun to eat a school of cherry-like fish but it’s not fun to eat a bunch of cherry-like deer turds.

They still boast “A Fat Free Food” as a part of the logo like the original form but I am suspicious of that. A serving size is thirty-three jelly beans with twenty-seven grams of sugar. That is how people get fat, no? What ever, they taste like processed ick and have nothing more than the novelty of being Swedish Fish caviar, if the imagination is worked real hard.

But will they pass the controlled explosion test?

Did you believe that? Yeah, Spielberg might not call. Anyway, the Swedish Fish Jelly Bean can take an explosion without a scratch. It also can not be digested. So have thirty-three of them!

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Aw shit, it’s getting crazy up in here! Starburst candy has a new spin on their ten thousand Jelly Bean flavors and presents us with “Crazy Beans”. Not too sure if crazy is the right term but rather “this is all we have left” because after years of bringing a new twist to Easter, they have to hide a jelly bean inside another jelly bean to pass the 2013 product test.

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I guess it works. Not for me but an average ten-year-old would agree that it is something cool. Also, a ten-year-old should be writing this. It has come to this, folks.

While I like the concept, the taste is average and I can’t tell what a pink shell over a blue center is supposed to really taste like. It’s a fruity sugar thing. But will it pass the golf iron drive test?

Yes! And nice distance too!

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Red Hots just will not stay in February where the belong! They creep into Christmas and now Easter. What’s next? And don’y you say Halloween or I’ll…I’ll…probably write about them. I just wish we could keep things civil between the holidays and not tread on sacred ground.

These jelly beans, however, are pretty amazing. Yeah, I know that cinnamon is cinnamon but these beans are just like those tiny red dots that can pass for a Sudafed. The funny thing about these are most jelly bean bags have the nutrition facts stating a serving size to be between twenty-five to thirty-five beans equaling twenty-seven grams of sugar. The serving size of these bad boys for the same amount is FOUR! Only four jelly beans allowed before your kids jump off the roof with a Hefty Bag as a parachute.  So keep that in mind before generously dumping them in an Easter basket.

I think these Jelly Beans are great but will they pass the LL Cool J test?

No. He was kind of a dick about it.

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Sweetarts! Should that be one ‘T’ or two? The design has me confused. Whatever, this year Wonka pushes Sweetarts on us too and to be honest, I think I have their recipe cracked. Take the Laffy Taffy jelly bean from the previous review and add Clorox Bleach to them and bingo, we have Sweetart Jelly Beans! I think I am getting too cynical with these reviews.

In all fairness, they do taste like the original small sour powder candy. The other good thing about Sweetart Jelly Beans is the packaging. I am attracted to vivid colors like an ocean-bottom dwelling fish. I can’t help but buy things that are bright blue and green. It’s literally eye candy. (click here)

These don’t need a test. They are what they are. And that is my excuse for not being creative.

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It has all led to this, ladies and gentlemen. Willy Wonka owns Easter. Our savior may have died for our sins but Wonka is reaping the rewards with the jelly bean to end all jelly beans. Nerd Bumpy Jelly Beans.

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Take a normal jelly bean then add a shit load of Nerd candies as a shell and you have a Nerd egg. It’s crazy how great of a concept this is and how much they look like durian fruit or a Gremlin cocoon. But buyer beware, eating too many of these will come with a hefty price. Just watch this taste test.

When I finally came down it was a bit confusing but sumbitch, those jelly beans win Easter. I learned a few things from that experience like for one, you never know how dirty your oven is until you shove your pillow in it and two, my fridge has a shit load of old blueberries under it.

Get a bag but make sure you have a safe-room and your diabetic socks on, these are a doozy.

That concludes the jelly bean review for 2013. I know there are more out there but frankly, I just don’t care. These were the ones that I chose to review. Please let me know what you think of them?

If you need me I will be moving my dentist appointment up three months.

Candy Cane Culture Clash

This is a topic I have been meaning to write about for years but for some reason or another, I find myself in February before I can. So today, while it is still relevant, I want to write about candy canes. And not the ones we grew up with…

…but the candy canes that truly are candy. I believe Lifesaver candy was the first shot over the bow of Christmas to tell peppermint to get bent. But this bold and progressive move against holly-jolly opened the flood gates and soon other candy makers began to take their goodies, shape them into canes, package them in boxes and ship them to the stores for a 200% profit. How they didn’t jump on this back in the 1950’s when most teenagers still believed in Santa and a desk could stop a nuclear blast, I don’t know. But they are here now, and for twenty bucks I’m going to review them.

As you can see, I have made an Imperial Star Destroyer out of the boxes of candy canes that are about to be reviewed. I will admit, the color spectrum is quite festive and it almost seems a shame to take them out of the box and chew them up. But this site isn’t a photography sight (no shit) and I am less of a guy to stop and gaze at beauty so let’s bust them out.

So I have or tried to remove all the candy canes from the boxes. The Sour Patch Kids did not fare too well but as a guy in his thirties I no longer feel the need to suck my candy cane into a shanking weapon so broken or not, they eat the same to me. You will also notice that these have been labeled and displayed to easy choosing. I did, however, forget to segregate them by flavor. Aw fuck. Oh well, I’ll be surprised.

First! Okay, here we have Jolly Rancher Candy Canes and these appear to be the “Smoothie” edition. Interesting. They come in three flavors being strawberry, mixed berry and watermelon. I am only trying a couple flavors in this review because in all honesty, I have no sweet-tooth. If given the choice between a candy cane and a dry two-day-old triscuit that may or may not have been on the kitchen floor, I would most likely choose the latter. But what the hay, it’s Christmas and if you have been reading this site for any length of time then you know my reviews hold zero weight.

For all those who think that I am eating every variety in whole, this is a no. I have wrestled these out of their insanely tight wrapping and broken a tip off because…why do you think? Exactly. This particular candy cane is most definitely watermelon. If you can’t tell watermelon in taste, you have something seriously wrong with all six senses. I can most definitely taste the Jolly Rancher though the “smoothie” part is a miss on me. It is just sweeter and less sour than a normal watermelon Jolly Rancher is. (8 out of 10 Tim Allen fat suits)

Starburst Candy Canes. I have a bone to pick with these. Green Apple is not a flavor in the original Starburst line. Out of all the winning flavors in the lineup, why did they choose a nonexistent flavor? It confuses me much the same as why the Peanut gang are in different costumes for all recent Charlie Brown Halloween merchandise. It’s a stretch by comparison but the nerve is the same. So I’m not going to try the green apple. I am going with the strawberry flavor because I need to see if these candy canes are indeed the same as the glorious taffy originals. And holy shit they do!!! I am more of a cherry and orange Starburst fan but I will never leave a pink one for last. This is a pleasant surprise. I can’t vouch for the green apple because, what would I compare it to? (8 out of 10 Moose Mugs)

Gobstoppers have always been a mystery to me. I think it’s the name. According to the source of all things true, Wikipidia, the term “gob” means “mouth” in the United Kingdom. (Guise, is this true?) Therefore, a gobstopper must mean to stop one’s mouth. And…I learned something today. Anyway, Gobstoppers were never my first choice as a kid but I did fill a paintball gun with some and had minor success at making a kid cry about twenty years ago.

Oh, the candy canes you asked? Meh. I chose the white one just out of curiosity.

Call me gross if you must, but doesn’t this remind you of a baby tooth just recently lost? It’s the only thing I can think of once I cracked this piece off. Perhaps it’s strange irony but this should be a foretelling of tooth decay to come. The taste? It’s fruit punch. Most definitely fruit punch. (7 out of 10 Narwhals)

These are the ones I have been dying to review. Sour Patch Kids have been the candy of choice every time I go to the movies and a box of these can certainly burn all taste away for a solid week. I also like to share them with friends and press that little spot between the jaw and the bottom of the earlobe. Try it next time your eating these. You’ll hate it.

I tried to make sure that all the boxes of candy canes were purchased without damage but I believe these floppy cocks were shoved in the box the same way Lenny pets a mouse. But like I said, I am not here for looks. It’s the similarity to the original that I am here to review.

They are sour, there’s no argument with that but as for the similarity? Not really. They are Lifesaver candy canes dipped in Sour Patch Kid sour…sugar…stuff. It’s exactly what I expected so therefor I will only give it an average grade. (7 out of 10 Figgy Puddings)

Spree! I love the name. Spree candy canes promise to have a “flavor kick” on the inside much like the original candy that tastes like Advil on the outside and a powdery sour mix on the inside. Between the 500% of daily sugar intake and the fact these are hard candies, it makes Spree a dental nightmare. To combat this Willy Wonka adds that thse are fat free candies. So we have that going for us!

These are pretty good. I am not going to lie that of all the candy canes, these have come out close to the top only because they are not absurdly sweet and sour. I’m an ordinary average guy so there for these will get an above average average grade. (9 out of 10 Bumpus Hounds)

Well it’s nice to see someone hasn’t forgotten the mint in a candy cane! I love these! As an addict of coffee and tea, I have the need to brush my teeth five times a day. What? I don’t know why I needed to say that. Oh yeah! This has a great coffee-like taste to it and sure enough, it’s a spectacular stir stick! Hershey does a great job with the “less is more” angle and if you like mint in your stick and enjoy chocolate too, this candy cane is for you. Damn, I need to write jingles.             (10 out of 10 ill-digested potato or beef resulting in a hallucination of the ghost of Jacob Marley) 

Last but not least we have come to Sweetart Candy Canes and the ones that look most similar in color scheme to the intro to Saved By The Bell. Like most other assorted candy canes, these come in a variety of flavors being cherry, green apple and blue punch. I choose you, Blue! Pika! Pika!

These are just like what I had imagined. What a shocker. They are mildly sour and that stays through duration of eating. I like them but in all honesty, a 13 year old’s pallet is what these things were designed for. Without a lot of fanfare I will end this review on an average grade. (8 out of 10 shoeless John McLanes)

So there you have it! These aren’t your traditional peppermint candy canes and some don’t quite taste like their original form but I like the spirit of them. This is the time of year to get a cavity or two, gain a couple of pounds or even suck a cane to a sharp point and stab those terrible inflatable lawn ornaments across the street that you’ve been staring at for the past month. These are all good things so be good for goodness sakes…somebody’s comin’! Somebody’s comin’! Wait, that was from Ghostbusters.

Sorry for the lack of Christmas posts. I am getting a better laptop because this one sounds like the truck/generator that Arnold filled with explosives, lifted off it’s stand and pushed into an enemy tent in the movie, Predator.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!

Where Did You Go? Part 14: FOOD

There are literally hundreds of retro food blogs out there that list every possible snack, soda, TV dinner, candy and fast food that has been discontinued in the history of ever. Some even track down the original item and have them in possession for pictures and possibly a daring taste test some 15 years after expiration. To those people who are that devoted to the dead sodas and snack crackers of the world, I commend you. I am not that devoted. But, I will write my own personal thoughts and memories of some of these deceased items so you can get a little taste of my opinions as I bitch and moan over why I have cognitive haunts about a drink I haven’t tasted in 20 years.

The Item: I was a lucky to be of the perfect age for the invention of the fruit snack. As a young kid, there was nothing better than to witness the combination of candy and snack. Fun Fruits and Fruit Rollups were about as amazing as fire to a caveman for a six-year-old. It was our heroine and we had to have it. Poor Mom was never allowed to go to the grocery store without bringing home a box and if we were with her on that chore, there was always a scene. “But they have vitamin C! THEY HAVE VITAMIN CEEEEEEEE!

Gone are the days when fruit snacks looked like deer shit and came in flavors like orange and cherry. No, nowadays they all have to have themes and familiar shapes to kids as if buying X-Men fruit snacks tasted any different from Barbie ones. These particular snacks have morphed into 3 feet long rolled up strips, snacks filled with goo, temporary tattoos for the tongue, stack-able cut outs, and formed into every Disney character ever created. I saw this coming in 1988 with the introduction of Shark Bites. I knew the simple days were through. The death of Fruit Corners died a quiet death, but I will still shed a tear.

The Item: Candilicious is not a stripper. I just wanted to make that clear because in search for the picture above, I was exposed to many of these dancers. That is a big distraction when waxing childhood nostalgia.

No, this was a great late 80’s candy that proved the mentality of my childhood was always bigger = better. Perhaps it was that my mandibular suck-hole was smaller but I remember almost choking every time I ate this. Imagine the taste of Starbusts, softer than Now and Laters and bigger than Laffy Taffy and you have Candilicious. It was a Bubbalicious product and in some ways it was the answer to my wish of swallowing my gum at the zenith point of it’s taste. I imagine 5 out of 5 dentists agree this candy should be not only discounted but wiped from all memory completely. But I remember. Nice try tooth nazis.

The Item: Burples might just be an item that history forgot. Perhaps it was the fact that the fruit drink was shockingly potent or maybe the futuristic attraction of the recently released Capri Sun, the Burples just never made a lasting impression. The bottle came collapsed with a powdered inside and all you needed to do was add water. If memory serves me right, it fizzed and expanded the accordion shaped bottle, but that might be in my head. The finished result meant a sugar high so intense, it will cause you to race around the house, slip on the linoleum and crack your head open on the kitchen counter.

The cool thing about these deceased drinks is that somewhere, buried deep in the two decade layered landfill, the non biodegradable containers still remain. A tribute to the 1980 consumer and our foresight beyond mutually assured destruction. Burples!

The Item: Five Alive was a staple in the house growing up and it was always in the condensed frozen can you see above. I can actually close my eyes and remember wrestling with the damn plastic strip that kept the metallic cap on. Then squeezing the can over the pitcher and watch it poop the orange/yellow concentrate in a slow sounding ‘schloooop’. There was a certain satisfaction of “making” juice, even if it just meant pouring in three cans of cold water and stirring. But there were a few times Dad would spit a large glop of frozen 5 Alive back into his glass. That’s what you get for putting a 7-year-old on juice duty.

I believe 5 Alive is still out there among the various juices and as an adult I am not sure if I would buy it. I remember not really liking it as a kid. Maybe it was the lime and grapefruit combination that had me wincing while watching ABC morning cartoons. What’s wrong with plain old O.J.?

The Item: The PB Max is..er…was amazing. Not only was it a brick of a candy bar but it would simultaneously enlarge your ass, give you type one diabetes and destroy the ability to whistle for a year. I heard a guy who had a peanut allergy one time walked into a gas station that sold PB Max’s and his lips, hands and feet exploded.

I can understand why PB Max’s died like Ryan White because eating half of a jar of peanut butter in one sitting is pretty amazing. Even for a candy bar. Plus it is a mess. It’s like a rapidly melting brownie filled with something that will smell up a minivan for years to come.

The Item: All the cereals of the 80′ and 90’s that had a link to either cartoons, video games or candy are pretty much dead. Long gone are the days when you could come out of the fort you built in the den and chow down on cereal with crushed lollipops and sugared marshmallow sugary sugars. No, the FDA says that they can’t use such marketing ploys to kill off kids, increase the medical insurance debacle, and cause adult depression linked to childhood obesity and repressed memories of mean skinny kids who sang “fatboy fatboy, why ya so fat? Cake on the lips, jelly in the gut, BIG BUTT!” Fuck you Sugar Bear. Look what you have done.

Now we have Grapenuts. With neither grapes nor nuts. I get no respect. Respect is niiiiice.

For real reviews of snacks and junk food you should… no… have to check out Matt’s articles.  These are classics. Peace and love.

11 Dead Sodas

Freezer Finds

Garfield Snacks

American Gladiator Bars

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