Commercials That Make You Open A Savings Account


It is truly amazing what people buy. I will admit that I have blown my money on utter shit before but spending last evening watching TV with a particular attention to advertisements it is clear that there is a market for idiots. I must have stayed up until 3 am just listening to an elderly lady make small talk about a poodle cookie jar. I believe someone called in to buy it just to shut the old lady up and move on to the next dump in a jar. Somewhere in the United States there is a poodle cookie jar being bubble wrapped and shipped to some poor soul’s door mat.


Before I rail on internet dating I would like to make it clear that I don’t look down on it. I know it must be hard to be a professional and have the time to meet people of the opposite sex but the commercial for eHarmony really creeps me out. That old guy just looks like he is secretly getting off on people’s profiles. I actually heard that people have been rejected from this service too! How’s that possible? There is a 29 point compatibility questionnaire sheet! Watch the commercial to see. They have this guy LJ, who you might remember on the commercial say, “I don’t have to put on a false front.” Remember him? He sounds like an absolute moron. He must have put all C’s for his 29 point compatibility because somehow, someway, he found a normal looking chick. At least she looks normal. LJ may wake up to find his man hood cut off and made into a door-stop. I hope not LJ.

yasmin
This commercial cracks me up. It is an ad for, what I believe it is, the birth control Yasmine. I can’t believe I am blogging about birth control but this commercial was to painful to ignore. It is set at a hip, outdoor club with three late 20’s girls talking about their birth control methods. The snotty brunette takes center stage and give a 7 paragraph rant with arrows, x’s and o’s all about how wonderful Yasmine is. To top it off she boasts, “I didn’t go to medical school for nothing.” Lady, you went to medical school after you flunked acting school. Don’t say it was for nothing. Every time this commercial comes on I have to buy a new remote because I break the old one over my head in disgust.

Billy_Mays-thumb-252x264

Billy Mays, the man without an indoor voice! I watch his infomercials and all I can think of is how this guy must be at dinner in a fine restaurant. It must go some like this:

Waiter: What will you have, sir?

Billy: KA BOOM! I’LL HAVE THE FLANK THTEAK for $19.95.

Waiter: Very good sir, please keep your voice down.

Billy: IF I ORDER NOW CAN YOU THROW IN A BAKE POTATO FOR NO CHARGE?

Waiter: Sir, could you please lower your voice. We have other patrons.

Billy: DID YOU KNOW BEETHS AND DOGS CAN THMELL FEAR?

Waiter: Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Billy: BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

His poor wife must have a hearing complex. But they must have one hell of a clean bathroom!

I am absolutely positive that the only parents who buy their kids video games from from TV infomercials are the same ones who home school their kids. This proves my point further that even if they try and socialize their kids they can’t because anyone who comes over to play will be forced to play Math Frogger, Spelling Donkey Kong or wost yet, Bible Knock Out. I would like to believe this is a form of child abuse.

On topic of bad toys that people add to their credit card bills because of momentary stupidity while innocently watching TV, Blow Pens take art to a new level of wrong. Don’t add oral fixations to a creative output.

18 Comments

  1. Neat article. I was fascinated by Infomericals when I was a kid and shopping channels. I watch shopping channels when they are doing those hours I think they are called “household solutions” they are gadgets that are an existing product in a different design to make it “better” or a product that does this little thing that just makes life so much better. I wonder if they are worth the money. They probably aren’t even though most items on shopping networks are nicer then infomericals. One of my aunts loves QVC and our family has gotten gifts from there.

    I actually have heard those blow pens are good for crafts. They have an effect like an airbrush. I had a toy for the life of me I can’t remember what it’s called now it was called paint blaster or something like that it was basically a plastic gun that you squeeze with a little paint bottle on top (the bottles I got were orange and red and never got refills so my creativeness only went so far) so I sprayed on papers making artwork with stencils that came with it and I know I tried to make my own but failed. I know everytime I used it I washed it out. My Grandma gave it to my cousins after over a year of me not using it complaining I didn’t use it. I used it at least a dozen times, especially to prove that I wanted the thing.

    Enough off topic nonsense. I have always wanted to do the home shopping network job. Not the infomerial job god no! But the regular people that hawk products on those channels. How do you get a job like that? I don’t think you proposely try to get into that it just happens. When suzanne somers is on HSN I believe selling jewelery,clothing, premade food, cookware, and lots of other stuff, I think someone will say something slightly off and her eyes will glow red and she’ll yell at them in a demon voice. I also think the same thing when I watch Martha Stewart but alas it never happens 😦

    When I was a kid I would pretend that I didn’t know anything about anything except what they were telling me in the infomerical and I would act like they were convincing me to buy the product. I heard that at yard sales you sometimes find seen on tv types of products for really cheap so if the product sucks your not out that much money. And a few weeks ago I seen a fat lady in line at walmart in the customer service section with an ab roller type of product and that made me really sad but amused at the same time. I am amused by other people’s mistakes to make myself feel better about mine.

    Oh yeah one more thing to make this post extremely extremely long, my Grandma bought an Apple II and she bought a bunch of educational games with it too (it came together) and we avoid playing them unless we were really bored. Screw the “it’s fun and kids learn too!” crap. A kid can tell that it’s educational and they don’t want that shit. Even though on the other hand when I have kids if I can I want to home school them. Yeah you heard me. But they would have community activities they would do so they would have friends and a social life. It would only be for elementary school. I just think the one on one environment would be better and it would give them more opportunities. More field trips, more diverse projects to do, and just more they can learn. But that is just what I think, there is a chance I might not even do that because I might be too busy and my gf/wife at the time might have a career like I plan on having. So we’ll see.

    I am assuming you have read this all LOL and thank you. I always enjoy seeing a piece of your mind.

  2. Remember the Don Lapree (I’m spelling that wrong) infomercial from the 90s where you could make huge money with his “system” and you never could figure out what the system actually did from the commercial? Back when I was young and bored we used to play a game called “payed programming game” We’d flip through the tv guide channel at my friends house who had satellite and every time it came to a PP show we’d see if we could guess the product, or at least the retail category. Why am I admitting this. There’s thunderstorm right now. Can’t sleep. Funny Blog.

  3. Yo, Bill! It’s DJ D from X-Entertainment. I was just checking out everyone’s sites that post on X-E and started reading yours and it’s hilarious. I’m cracking up at Billy Mays and his purple power lisp over here. Good job.

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  5. […] Light commercials have to be the greatest dead space filler since Billy Mays made his infomercial debut. The cleaver campaign has touched the hearts of many 22 to 35 year old […]

  6. […] his high decibel voice. The man had no indoor voice and I wrote about that almost two years ago. You can find that here. Well Billy, I am sorry you were silenced so early. Your voice will forever be in my head  saying, […]

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