Traitor Pants


Today’s brought to you by the letters S,H,I and T and the number 4. It’s not that it is a bad day but it reinforces the fact that if there is a possibility of shit happening, it will most likely happen to me. I was in Kinkos today running off training manuals because that is what I do for fun when the unthinkable happened. Let me paint you a picture. I have a pair of pants that are my favorite pair in the whole world and if they are ever lost I may swear off articles of clothing from my lower extremedy all together. The only problem with them is that the fly is made of Velcro and after 7 years of ware, let’s just say I am aware of it’s position at all times. But today they betrayed me. I was in a rush to get these training manuals copied and threw on these pants after a shower. (I was commando, so what?) Well, let this be a lesson to all those who disregard the common law that boxers should always be worn under old velcroed pants. I managed to let my guard down and accidentally exposed myself to the staff of Kinkos. I don’t know if I feel embarrassed yet. It will take some time to let the full scope of my ordeal. I will say that I will never forget the large woman saying, “I think someone is trying to say hello.” I want to die.

Traitor!

16 Comments

  1. The velcro-fastened fly – you have expanded my view of the universe.
    Also, confirmed why random is my favourite tag.

    Perhaps you simply felt on that particular day that penile servitude should not be tolerated, and that freedom is the birthright of every organ?

  2. 94stranger, thank you. That makes me feel better.

  3. I heard a doctor once say that underwear is very unhealthy. So, although I did feel for you, I say you’re just a health nut.

  4. Well….I am drinking a miller Ultra Light so maybe I am a health nut! Thanks!

  5. health nut lol

    Actually about a month and a half ago I puked on a bus and I was surprisingly not embarrassed.

    Those pants do look fashionable and comfy, reminds me of a pair of pants that were my faves for about a year and a half to two years. They were made by a brand called plugg, they had one of those nylon I think? (the straps you get on backpacks) straps it was like 3 inches right on my right side right under my belt loop with a plastic D shaped ring on it. I had a keychain pocket watch that I had on that loop all the time. It was like that loop was put on there for the watch.

    They also had cargo pockets the flaps were little pockets without buttons to fasten so over the pocket there was a little pocket (just for looks IMO I never used them) with a big grey zipper across it. Eventually I got the idea to have my Grandma take those off of there and she put this funky green material to replace it and I thought I created a new fashion statement. Still looked good. They were kinda like skater jeans.

    I turned them into cut offs when the knees got holes in them and after I cut my finger and had to go to the hospital (no joke 7 stitches my scar is still pretty long even though it was like 5 years ago) I didn’t wear them again. I still have them, blood stains and all. Maybe I should frame them someday with the blood still on the jeans. Hey the character chart is through the roof on them!

    I have looked on ebay for another pair, if I found a pair at goodwill in fair or good condition I think I would die! I still love the memories of those damn things, I even have a cartoon type of drawing I made of myself in them painted and everything. I would love to someday scan that picture and others and put them online for people to see.

    And I love you Bill. I love you 🙂

  6. Awww, you poor thing! But I am still laughing, can’t help it.

    If there is anything for you to be happy about within this story it should be that it was a large (presumably older) woman and not a cute young girl or a gay guy.

  7. I don’t know you, but this story makes me want to laugh with you. By the way, don’t be embarassed. Things like that happen all the time in Kinkos all over the country.

  8. Yep, still funny the second time I read it.

    You put the “kink” in Kinkos.

  9. You may feel embarrassment, but realize you are now a part of someone’s story forever…that makes you the stuff of legend…

    Somehow I doubt that’s little consolation, though 🙂

  10. Hey Billy, meet my sister.
    There was no pun intended up there by the way.

  11. Pants come with velcro flies? Very dangerous, but you know that already. D:

    However, I’m sure that showing your junk is not the worst that the Kinko’s staff has seen. It is a Kino’s, after all.

  12. Your first mistake, William is that you elected to expose yourself at KINKO’s…when KINKY’s the swingers bar was just down the street.

    But KINKO’s??? That took balls…and apparently, as the large woman stated, at least two….that she could see.

    You have the TOOLS to RISE above this.
    Don’t let it make you NUTS.
    Don’t let any one DICKtate the kind of pants you wear.
    It’s a PRICKly situation and one that’s COCK-a- mamie
    Everybody WANG chung tonight

    Happy SACKturday.

    LK

  13. While well-written, this story is still WAAAAAAAAAAY better when told in person… with more details, awkward pauses, and more than a few coughs to cover up the embarrassment. Awesome. Simply awesome.

  14. Nice. I bet that sucked. And I am sure you are so over it now. Ahhh, memories! “I think someone is trying to say Hello.” That is classic.

  15. […] to salute our shorts in the name of pants-past. I don’t know if you recall, but some time ago I had a favorite pair of pants that, for a brief second, betrayed me in a most egregious way. Well, my motto is to live let live and we soon became friends again; understanding that going […]

  16. haha!

    And that day went down in history as the best day of work EVER for the Kinko’s staff.


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