Pumpkins For The Soul


If you have read the previous couple of posts then you know it is the second day of our North Georgia adventure and I was on a quest to find the most sincere pumpkin patch in the land to prove to the Great Pumpkin that….actually I just wanted cheap pumpkins. So from memories of years past I knew of a pumpkin patch in Dawesonville that was the premier patch of the state. It is also the buckle of the bible belt and that is where we went.

Well, we found it without too much of a to-do and it had not changed a bit in ten years. Burt’s Pumpkin Patch has turned into quite a tourist attraction but it hasn’t lost it’s moral ground. Right when we pulled in there was a huge sign that stated, “No Profanity Of Any Kind Will Be Tolerated.” Well fuck!

That was just the beginning of the signed rules and regulations you needed to follow to not be tossed out on your gourd. Here are just a few and I swear I am not making any of these up.

No swearing, no sitting on the pumpkins, no standing on the pumpkins, no riding in the wheelbarrows, no pushing the wheelbarrows unless you are over 15, no jumping on the pumpkins, you break it you buy it, no horse play, no handling of food, no picking pumpkins up by the stems, no audible music, only walking in the shop and a few others that have escaped me. Oh yeah, I forgot the bible verse above the check out table; “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” That should keep people from shoplifting apple butter.

I have to admit that this gets me in the Halloween mood. Even if it is 87 degrees and 60% humidity out, I can feel that All Souls Day is on it’s way. I guess that getting pumpkins from a pumpkin patch is better because I have never see green or white pumpkins at Kroger or Albertson’s. The variety was beyond what thought it would be. You had organic ones, genetically altered huge ones, tiny ones, oblong ones, and ever squarish ones. If you walk away from Burt’s without a pumpkin because you were dissatisfied with the selection than you should just make your own. Not grow your own, make your own, because your are basically calling mother nature a no talent bitch.

Here are a few of the $65 and up pumpkins that could house a family of cats. For some reason these pumpkins never appealed to me. I am more of traditional kind of guy and I feel that Farmer Burt had messed with nature a little too much because in the 80’s I never remember being eye level to them.

Burt’s Pumpkin Farm also had an indoor store filled with really cute country items to decorate for the Halloween season. I did feel like I had to tiptoe around because every five feet there was a blunt sign that read, “You Break, You Buy.” I think it would be hard to break one rule without breaking another because if I did drop something it would be followed by me yelling, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ asshole dick-licking suck bitch.”

Well, soon we picked our pumpkins and loaded our barrel with other goodies. I don’t have a front yard so the yard ornaments where just eye candy but the hanging ones where bought. As you can see there is another sign telling us to keep our hand in our pockets but Tara knows I have plastic. I have to admit after an hour I was ready to head on because of the over dominating Bible beating presence. I’m not anti-church but leave Halloween out of it. I think I may feel different if we were there for a Christmas tree.

Well, Burt’s has a great patch and the is little doubt about it. Do I think it is the most sincere patch that will draw the Great Pumpkin, I don’t think so. I feel that the over whelming watchful eye is too much to really enjoy yourself. I give Burt’s Pumpkin Farm 3 out of 5…I don’t know…pumpkins?

7 Comments

  1. I think I would be so paranoid shopping there and I could never go back! I touch everything that even piques a slight interest. You should of picked me up a huge Genetically (the bible thumpers weren’t offended by the Genetically modified Gourds? who knew) modified, oblong, and slightly squarish pumpkin 🙂 And I think I would say darn, fudge, friggin, etc. a lot to tease them about the swearing rule. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I feel sorry for the offspring.

    And I can’t tell you how much I LOATHE Bible thumpers. They need to shove their dick up their own ass and superglue it there. And if they are females do something similar. I had a boss that he was like that but his wife was REALLY like that every conversation you had with her she would make it about jesus. I was talking to her about mac n cheese and she segwayed it into the bible. I hate it when people act like I have never heard of Christianity or jesus or God or the bible or whatever and I would just love it if I knew how great it is. I have throughly thought about it and decided it REALLY isn’t for me and I don’t believe a word of it. Just say God bless you and I’ll pray for you to get it over with.

    Augh fuckin bible thumpers with their fuckin no swearing sign. Just pisses me off!! LOL!! OH OH one more thing you should get some cheap business cards and put your name and your blog addy on it to pass out. There are some conversations it would sound appropriate. I don’t care about the lurkers but Billy I’m sorry if my rant about Christians upset you in anyway. But I thought it was an appropriate time and I am not taking it back. Not you or anyone at X-E but some people online have been acting that way, acting like I am uneducated and I don’t care enough about myself because I am an Atheist (even though I do believe there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason)

    And when I put my mouse over the word wheelbarrows pictures popped up right, and it said related searches Down’s syndrome and apple butter I was scratching my head on that one LOL take care Bill!!

  2. dood. I’d so get kicked out of there in a heartbeat. and not for the cussing.
    It’d probably be the pentacle-covered Slayer sweater.
    And… uh, when they say Audible Music, I’m assuming that’s walkmans and Ipods.
    Which makes it perfectly okay for me to sing Mayhem’s “Chainsaw Gutsfuck”.
    Check my logic here?

  3. That pumpkin yard is beautiful. Really. I want you to email me a big sized pic of it so I can have it as a screen saver.

  4. Kittymao, I was rocking a Iron Maiden shirt and I had a few stern looks all day

  5. Kristiane! My email is wewjr@aol.com so email me and I’ll send you many cool pics

  6. Oo, billy! Pleeeeeeeeeeze tell me it was a Number of the Beast shirt. *giggles*

  7. Did they have a “No Fun” sign hung up?


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