Some Things I Just Won’t Do: Part 1


I consider myself to be a pretty liberal kind of guy. I will try anything once as long as I am 60% sure I will not die and 100% sure it will not hurt others. This summer my buddy and I are planning a trip to run with the bulls in Spain so really there isn’t much I won’t do. I’ve even eaten sushi in Augusta, Georgia for crying out loud! But like anything else there are exceptions and there are some things in life I will never do. Here’s my list.

Hang out at a nursing home. I think my folks can rest assured that their elderly years will be safe from being tucked away in an old person home. Nothing gives me the willies ore than the sounds of dementia and smell of pee. My grandfather spent his last year in an elderly home because my grandmother could not give him the intensive care he needed and every trip there gave me resolve to do well enough in life so my parents would not suffer the same fate. We have to do better for our aging population. I’ll never go back to one of those again and it starts by taking care of my own family.

Lead The National Anthem. I love this country and I love our anthem but I will be the first to admit I don’t know all the words on command. I think it would be less patriotic to have a catastrophic meltdown at Turner Field rather than politely say “fuck that, man!” when asked to sing it. Just listen to this dude!

Go on Jeopardy. Do you really want to advertise to the world in 30 minutes that you are retarded? I don’t. I think Alex Tribeck would probably say something like this: “For the first time in Jeopardy history we have someone on contestant row that actually owes the show money. Bill from Atlanta….will that be cash or check?”

Sing or Dance at a half time show. No fucking way! I know this kind of ties in withe the National Anthem but it I felt that this deserved it’s own line. Can you imagine being force to sing and dance with a group of “touched” kids at an German soccer game? I have and even had a nightmare about it. Pay attention to the kid in the white shirt. He’s gots the moves, mang!

Window Washing. I don’t know why but for some strange reason I can look down from heights but I get total vertigo when I look up. I remember working in an office building that was 25 stories and when I was going in I noticed hanging ropes dangling next to the entrance. I followed the ropes with my eyes all the way to see two guys suspended over 300 feet and before I knew it I feel on my butt. How embarrassing! One lady screamed, ” I think he’s seizing!” Nope, just a tool, ma’am. Just a tool.

There are a few more but I will have to think of them. These are just the ones that are on my all time “no way” list. No amount of money can buy your dignity and no amount of booze will make you forget so I am a true believer that every person should have their limitations. Stay tuned for part duex! Is that how you spell that?

Oh yeah, what are yours?

15 Comments

  1. deux, you were close. i think eating cow brains is pretty high on my not-to-do list. my grandfather keeps on trying to convince me though – “when i was a young lad in the boy scouts, we took calf brains on hikes every day!” true story.

  2. I will never go into a haunted house again. The first haunted house I went to was when I was 7 or 8. Somehow I became compeletly separted from the group and got lost down a wrong end. I was so turned around that I couldn’t even figure out which way I had come in from. I was terrified, crying hysterically, and thought I was doomed when the Mummy with the chainsaw came around the corner. He just led me back to the group. I tried to go again when I was 14 thinking I had overcome my fear. I hadn’t. I haven’t gone since and never will again.

  3. singinghigh: I tried my French and sure enough it popped in my face. I might try cow brains as long as it had an aphrodisiac benefit. If not, it’s on my list.

    bluesuit12: What’s the blue suit?
    I commend you on trying facing your fear again. I couldn’t.

  4. the pilot with vertigo huh? Oh. and if your interviews lead you this way, let me know!

  5. Honestly I don’t know where it came from. I was in college when hotmail became all the rage and I guess I thought I needed a name with a color and number. So out it came and I’ve used it ever since.

  6. thanks for the b-day greeting…means a lot 🙂

  7. See, I would TOTALLY go on Jeopardy and just seize the moment. I can see it now: Alex–“The advent of color photography by this Frenchman utilized film held between two brass plates held together with human hair.” Me–(with much enthusiasm) “Panavision! No…I mean, WHAT IS Panavision!” Alex–“Um, no.” Me–“Kodak! Nikon…no, SONY!! WHAT IS SONY?!” Alex–“Just shut up.” Me–“Ah, nuts.”

    As for what I WOULDN’T do…go on Survivor. I’d get kicked off during the challenge where you have to eat live bugs or fish eyes or partially-developed duck eggs. HELL no! And I would never bungee jump. I’m sure there are more, but I keep thinking about being on Jeopardy and I get excited…

  8. Yes the kid in the white shirt definitely has the moves. I feel sorry for the adult volunteers in the group. I bet the situation was kind of like your Special Olympics story. They were hussled into that experience for sure.

    But on the other hand I admire like you say “touched” people because they have a quality that they don’t get embarrassed really and if something feels good do it. That is their motto. They really have no modesty and that is just great I admire that. Like they say ignorance is bliss, and feeling unembarrassed and having no modesty is bliss too.

    I have nothing to add to your list Billy.

  9. I agree with your list but will add eating Lima beans to it. They are unemployed balloon ticks.

    And then I’ll leave you with this: I had an epiphany tonight. It became abundantly clear that I will never get married. I have never wanted love in my life, more than I do at this moment now.

    And sadly, I have never been more sure that it’s completely out of my reach.

    Somethings are just never meant to be. Like you hanging out in a rest home or me eating LIma beans……with my husband.

    LK

  10. I will never enter a hot-dog eating contest (or any other food eating contest, for that matter). I feel a little queasy just watching real or fake contests of that nature on tv so I know that I would not last long as a participant. Why participate if you’re not playing to win? 🙂

  11. I would never ask Tom Cruise for an autograph or photo. His teeth frighten me. I would never eat live creepy crawlies or go out in public without wearing a bra. I also won’t ever eat in a vegan restaurant again. In fact, I’d eat the live creepy crawlies before eating in a vegan restaurant.

  12. I definitely agree with not wanting my parents in a rest home but I would most definitely sing the national anthem or at half time. No dancing please but I would sing my little heart out just about anywhere.

    I think I would enjoy Jeopardy… I would give up eventually and just be the jackass deliberately answering questions wrong just to eat up the clock.

    I’m not sure what to add to your list, Billy… other than never again going into that one Walmart that I’m boycotting, nothing jumps out at me. Maybe I’ll have something for part deux!

    Wait … I’m pretty sure I will never ever wear leg warmers. Pretty sure.

  13. Billy,

    Can I steal the concept of “Thing I Will NEVER Do”? I’ll give you props and will link to you.

    LK

  14. I’d be honored LK!

  15. hm- I ate cow brains once.
    They told me it was cheese.
    I was all like “Why does this cheese taste like BEEF!?”

    Anyway. I like to think I will try anything once, just to say I did it.
    But- BUT… I will never eat Menudo.
    I know, weird.
    I ate cow brains, why not TRIPE?
    But no.
    No FUCKIN’ way.
    People eat flesh. People eat weird stuff like brains and hooves and tripe becuase there’s no flesh left. So why eat some nasty-ass INSIDE OF A COW’S STOMACH, when there’s perfectly good carnitas? Eh?
    Yeah.
    And that extends to Balut, and all that other weird DELICACIES that countries have. DELICACIES means “weird shit you’d never eat and no one likes, but people eat just BECAUSE THEY CAN.”

    Ungh.

    Oh. And Bungee Jumping.


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