Yawn Burp


 I know I am not alone on this. And if I am, I guess that is my luck. Today I had some quiet time for the first time in many a month. But it wasn’t alone time by any means. I was able to sneak away to a remote college coffee shop in Marietta, GA. It was the first time I had been there in years but I was in the area and desperate for free WiFi and Earl Grey. I did feel a little old to be in there but what ever. So what if I was the only guy in a suit?

I found a lone table in the far corner of the cafe, sat down and quietly unzipped my computer bag trying to not draw any annoyed attention to myself. With laptop safely opened, the tea lid off without the end of my tie in it and my bottom resting on the seat I began to feel safely assimilated with the rest. But soon my wake up call of  4:30 am reared it’s ugly head and the need to yawn over took my body.

It was a great stretchy yawn too. The type that peaks every sense in the body, expelling the tenseness of the day, charging the nerves, popping the ears and filling the lungs so full the need to breath again seems an eternity. I’ve never tried heroin but I would imagine if the dragon was caught, the zenith point of a stretchy yawn would be very similar. In other words, I believe this yawn/stretch to be a publicly and sociably acceptable orgasm.

Much like the life I lead, with great triumph come great tragedy.  Right when I was at the high point of the yawn it happened. I burped. I can only describe in words what it sounded like so here it goes.

mmmmrraaaaaaaooorrrruuu*URP* (abrupt stop)

I still had my arms fully stretched to the sides, but my mouth shut as I looked around wide eyed.  No one looked at first but everyone made eyes and began to smile. Even the damn cat that was sleeping on the register picked up it’s head and looked at me across the restaurant as if to say, “what the fuck, man.?”. Soon my ears began to heat as I slowly lowered my arms down. I can’t really explain why but I adjusted my tie and cleared my throat. Then I completely validated what happened by saying way too loudly, “excuse me”. Luckily I was the uncool suit in the room so no one responded.

Oh, well. That wasn’t as bad as what happened later. I tried to shove Splenda packets under one of the uneven table legs and I tipped my topless tea over. I just left. Mess and all. So all in all, today only cost me $2.95 for the tea and 1,000,000,000 cool points. Pretty cheap, huh?

16 Comments

  1. very very true.

    Nice post and nice thinking. Good thing there are bloggers to think about this. Coz those scientists really have no time anymore.

    http://3critical.wordpress.com

  2. See I would have just laughed maniacally at myself while slapping my hand on the table. So what if some random people think I’m nuts? It doesn’t affect my home, job, health, or friends and therefore doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I had a much worse public embarrassment on Easter Sunday, but it was no skin off my back. Really, I should have known better than to fuck in a parking lot in broad daylight, whether or not the store was closed. *shrug*

  3. again: to live your life…

    And “too old’? Where the heck did you go, the hip teen hand-out coffee shop??

  4. Dude, stuff like this only happens to you. Remember the Sprite mishap? The Velcro Crotch Pants? The, uh, SPECIAL OLYMPICS debacle?! Seriously….wow.

  5. Eh, be proud of your burp. Max is starting to work on burping words. I hate it, but then again, I am not a boy.

  6. So true about the orgasmic stretch, Will… it’s usually good enough for me that some sound comes out of me but I don’t think it’s ever been a burp.

    I still think you’re cool.

  7. Nope, never happens to anybody else. Nor does the yawn saliva squirt.

  8. Ooh I totally gleek when I yawn.
    And I proudly burp, amplification and all.
    Cause Dammet, Burps amuse children and most men and therefore are pretty damn cool in my book.

    Spillin’ YOUR EARL GREY tho?
    Oh man, I feel for you.

  9. I went to my dad’s university one afternoon for lunch with him and a colleague. We ate in the ever-cool student center, at the height of the lunch hour, surrounded by their fawning students. Just as I took a big ole swig of chocolate milk, my dad’s colleague insulted his own daughter (she’s an idiot). I tried to keep from laughing but all the stifling did was create pressure and the chocolate milk shot out my nose… all over the table. Ever been in one of those situations where the entire world freezes and stares at you?

  10. I think that is my whole life as of late. What are ya’ going to do?

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    Yawn Burp | Veggiemacabre


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