Being A Jerk At Whole Foods


Have you ever noticed when you go into a health food store or a nutrition shop how unhealthy everyone looks? It’s pretty ironic that many of the people who shop at the sources for all things good for you look more or less like a 19 year old sick cat. I was at a Whole Foods not too long ago God only knows what was going on with about half the shoppers. Now I know I am generalizing and if you shop there, please know I am not talking about you, but I am going to do a quick character analysis on two people and a couple that I had the pleasure of standing behind waiting to check out. I understand that this is wrong to do and I am sure I am off base but what can i say? I’m an asshole.

This is not the lady who was at the head of the line but man, this is close. She had the glasses and everything. So my first guess she is a sweet lady, maybe in her early 50’s that goes home to her husband and a Labrador now that the kids are all out of the house and married. She spent the afternoon doing work in the garden and now she has come to Whole Foods for some additions to the great dinner she will be making right when she gets home. And then she opened her mouth.

She snapped at the cashier, “can this take any longer?”. Whoa. Now the very second she asked that snotty, retorical question my analysis changed to this. She lives in a town house with her 3 cats, all named after famous psychologists. Her liberal education, many degrees and accolades left her smug and with a sense of being superior. But that sense is a false front to her real feelings of being inadequate and the feeling that there is always someone who is out to get her. Though her education has taught her that a socialist way of life is the only way to be and the little guy should be taken care of by the wealthy guy, she would never think to show an ounce of kindness to him. Hence the dismissive remark to the poor cashier who just wants to get a price check on her fish oil vitamins. I bet she is a shitty tipper too. Next….

Like I said before, this isn’t the couple that was next in line but gee wiz, that’s pretty close to what they looked like. It looked as if they both had finished a run judging from the attire. I always admire married couples who have a common hobby like exercise or art or I don’t know….lawn darts. They were purchasing soy milk, two avocados and a leafy thing. Maybe parsley? I had no beef with them until the guy blew his nose in line like it was his job. It was no ordinary blow. There was a dog that was laying down outside, the doors were shut and cars were passing by and his nose blowing made the dog jump. I kid you not. It even made me duck a little. It’s a involuntary reaction.

There isn’t really a reason why this rubbed me wrong but it did. I imagine that if you went to their house for dinner there would inevitably be a conversation about a recent colonascopy he had. Then after dinner there would be an invitation to have coffee in the living room while we all witness the miracle of child birth by watching home movies. And just when the night couldn’t go any better they drop the bomb that they are swingers and there is a hot tub in the backyard. Amazing isn’t it? I gathered all that by a nose blow.

This guy was my favorite. This picture couldn’t get any closer to the real dude that was standing in front of me. Except he had a shirt that said “Good Bush, Bad Bush” which had an image of George Bush and an image of female genitalia. I haven’t been around too many hippies so I can’t be the judge of who is or who is not a hippie. I don’t believe this guy is a true hippie because he was on the phone, using his wireless Bluetooth headset. Hippies would never conform to such a thing. More over, they couldn’t afford it.

There was no way I could have avoided eves dropping in on his conversation because for one, he was talking about a girl and calling her a bitch with no sense of shame and two, there was a shopping cart behind me trapping me close to him and the odor of patchouli. He definitely strikes me as a conscientious objector but for what reason he couldn’t tell you. I’m certain he believes 9/11 was an inside job and he could prove it by explaining the hidden messages on the dollar bill. There is a high probability that if you asked him to point to NY on a map he just may put his finger on Maine.

Well, before I knew it my entertainment was over and I was at the front of the line. I bought chips. Chips for dips.

18 Comments

  1. I don’t really care what the cause or statement is, I am not much for shirts with causes or statements on them at all. I served a guy today with a shirt that said, “I Support Single Mothers” on the back was a stripper. Wow. Made me feel so good.
    But you are dead on about Whole Foods. My judgmental guess is the lack of meat that makes (some of) them appear unhealthy. It’s difficult, though not impossible,to get protein without it.

    • Please. Don’t make uneducated assumptions. America is one of the like three countries with meat based diets. Also not everyone who shops at whole foods is a vegetarian. Also 3 measuring cups of milk a day have more than the daily recommended amount of protein. Also protein leeches calcium from your bones. The USDA and FDA are both run mostly by people who are or were high ranking employees in the meat or dairy industries. It’s actually really easy to be a healthy vegan or vegetarian. How many people do you actually know that have a protein deficiency? I’ve never even heard of such a person, unless they’re starving anyways. And tofu has a much higher amount of protein in it than meat does. Vegetarians get more protein than you do and vegans even more because of the soy milk egg substitutes ect. You may have been taught in school you had to eat vegetables in certain combinations to get all the amino acids? This has recently been found to be false. I assure I’ve done my research. I’m a long distance runner who’s very dedicated to being healthy. Not to say you can’t be healthy and eat meat, I won’t judge you, but until you’ve spent days worth of researching this whole thing don’t make assumptions. This is the PCRM’s official website in reference to the government’s dietary recommendations. http://www.pcrm.org/news/lawsuit_history.html As I say I don’t mean to be preachy it’s perfectly possible to be healthy and eat meat, in moderation as anything else of course, but protein deficiency is not a realistic problem. Please, don’t pass judgement on other’s ways of life without knowing what you’re talking about.

      • Well said. I was writing about the people I always bump into in Wholefoods. Never a good experience.

        You should check out my vegan friend Amanda Blogandkiss’s site that is on the blogroll

      • Ah I don’t take issue with your blog. Just the comment that the lack of meat makes people appear unhealthy which is completely unsupported. >>

  2. Oh joy of joys- the Self-Righteous Liberals.
    I’m not fond of those who are self-righteous- they could be gay or antelopes or homeless or WHATEVER- no one is better than anyone else.
    Anton Chigurh Taught me that- the Flip of a coin, A twist of Fate- she is a cruel woman and she has no problem teaching people a lesson.

    • Right you are. But it’s not just liberals who are self righteous. What about the conservatives who are oh so self righteous about being pro-life but against social welfare therefore letting a child die because their single mother couldn’t afford food. Then there are the people who go out and buy mass produced shirts that say things like reduce reuse recycle (Foamy the squirrel has a rant on it. How I love him) What’s the difference? Any person of any political affiliation can be self righteous.

  3. Most of my t-shirts are all pretty mild… Hey Dude, Darkwing Duck, funny sayings and so forth…. but I do have one with a giant peace sign on the back that reads “Peace Through Superior Firepower.” But honestly, I needed something to match my Glock lapel pin.

    Over the summer/fall my ex was calling me a bitch alllll the time. The one night I actually snapped at him about it, and he had this horrid breakdown in which he freaked out crying and shaking and started talking back to the voices asking them if they saw how he, “broke me.” It was pretty terrifying, but shit, why should I have to put up with being called names?

  4. I never have been one for t-shirts with slogans and things either, although I do have one I wear all the time that says, “I’m only wearing black until they make something darker.” I got it from my uncle one Christmas (who incidentely is a Baptist preacher) because every time he sees me, which is usually only on Christmas, I’m wearing a black t-shirt. Come to think of it, wear some sort of black t-shirt just about every day, so I guess it’s pretty fitting.

    Yeah, I don’t dig self-righteousness at all, no matter what form it takes. Although, I do believe there are those of us who are just living up to our potential more than others. I’m not saying I’m one of them all the time, but if your state in life is a result of just laziness and poor decision making, I have a hard time feeling sorry for you. Again, I’m as guilty as anyone else at times. The key is just to learn from it and not repeat stupid decisions.

    And that’s one to grow on.

  5. People in lines are the perfect blog fodder…time on your hands, opportunity to analyze the purchase, etc. I’m willing to bet that the nose blow guy had tissues residue on/in his nose too…ick! Unless he uses a hankie…which is another topic in and of itslef.

  6. itself

    I cnat splel

  7. Allison, mee neethr.

    and it was a hankie. I forgot that.

  8. You have a talent for people watching…yes, it is a talent. And you have it.

  9. Thanks Michael! Btw, dig the music taste. I’ve been reading your stuff like it’s my job. Just awesome.

  10. Allison I take pictures with my camera phone when I am in line a lot. It keeps my attention span enough to not be bored out of my mind during that time. Even though a couple of times the cashier has tapped me on my shoulder to tell me it was my time to checkout. Embarrassing!! Even though I think they thought it was cute. I hope anyway.

    I judge strangers too automatically. We shouldn’t as people but we do. If they asked me for a quick favor I would still do it and keep my thoughts to myself. But it’s amusing sometimes skimming over the crowd.

    The hippie guy reminds me of a guy I saw at the store a few months ago. He was in line at Walmart, tall lanky guy, pale as a ghost, with his gf I think just hanging out with her through the line while she was picking up a couple of things. It would of been too obvious I was taking his picture (I was about 100 yards away from him) but he had a t shirt that said something about pot being natural and on a plant and why is beer legal and pot isn’t. I was like thinking why the HELL wear that shirt to the grocery store? I guess everyone is in entitled.

    And I saw a woman about a month ago in Walmart (we live 3 blocks away from walmart now) in full out pj’s and slippers at 3 in the morning getting a pack of cigarettes. She said her boyfriend stopped smoking so she has to buy her own now. Her and I were really the only customers there so I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal but it showed the world she really doesn’t give a shit. I took a really blurry picture of her feet and the bottom of her plaid (pink and purple) pajama bottoms and a slipper. It’s really hard to act like your checking your text messages when you are pointing the phone right at them.

    And a little bonus I’ll analyze the first person. She looks like she’s single, she has more then one cat, about 2-4 range, maybe a parakeet, she loves animals more then humans. She has at least one animal/nature sound cd she bought from television. And that is how she says it “from the television” also inspirational music, positive upllifting soft rock.

    She loves scented candles, and is a picky eater. Everyone’s cooking is worse then her cooking. Sometimes she tells them but most of the time she tells people behind their back. She says “they aren’t making meat loaf are they? Last time it was so dry I had to drink 3 glasses of water!! Usually I just drink one, but three!! I am not going if they are serving meat loaf!! I’ll just say I’m not hungry, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll just say I’m not hungry or I’ll just bring a sandwich” She is the first one to say a couple won’t last in a relationship but she has never been married. She absorbs herself in her animals and her sewing and crafts. She gives you crafts she made for christmas, the cloth has cats on it or nature. If there is a song she likes on the radio while she is cooking she hums it and kinda dances to it while she cooks. She has pictures of her cats and cross stitching of cats on her walls in her house. Oh yeah she loves talk radio just so she can argue back to them because she is extremely opinionated. And she wonders why a guy won’t date her, geesh!! πŸ˜€ Take care Will.

    • I get a kick out of people who analyze people on site. I do it myself I’ll admit and as long as you don’t treat people based on those assumptions there’s really nothing too much wrong with it as you say it’s human reaction.

      However I’d love to see what someone thought of me. I have a habit of going to malls in cosplay. (Costume play). I.E. you know star trek conventions were people dress up like klingons and junk? Well it’s the same thing only for anime. I love people’s reaction. I’ve gone in pajamas before just to see what people’d do. Ever think this lady was doing that? :Ha:

  11. Jodi’s one of my faves. πŸ™‚

  12. Awwwww πŸ™‚ I actually have kind of decided to write a movie review. So we’ll see. It might be too sappy to make it entertaining for the audience. But Will, I love your guts. And I would love them even MORE if you called me more often!! ARGH!!

  13. Okay, apparently I need to start putting my camera phone to better use. To date, I have only been using it to chronicle bathroom etiquette issues at work. Must expand into using it to pass the time in store lines. I love to people watch πŸ™‚


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