A Spider Made Me Destroy My Keys


Sometimes I think that my blogging has bled over into my everyday life in such a way that no matter were I am or what I am doing, I will always be on the lookout for odd ideas. I can’t tell you how many phone pictures I have taken over the past year leaving strangers puzzled asking, “why did that guy just take a picture of his food?”. It’s funny to think that this hobby can be practiced at anytime or anywhere. Shit, it beats model ship building!

But around 3am on Saturday it became obvious that I might be going a tad overboard. I woke up half way through the night and staggered to the bathroom. Just as I was about to step onto the tile I noticed something with my peripheral vision. It was a large black shape with distinct features that appeared to be legs. Immediately I concluded this had to be the biggest, scariest spider that was indigenous to the northern Atlanta suburbs. But instead of finding something to squash it I instinctively grabbed my phone and squeezed off a shot from the camera so I could later document the heroic battle between me and this very hairy scary arachnid.

After I took the picture I was now on a mission to find something big and heavy to squash the spider. Even though it was almost completely dark I had a good idea that this beast was big enough to eat a mouse so killing it with a shoe was out of the question. That would be a little too close for comfort. No, I needed something with ‘shock and awe’. So I packed my gym bag full of the biggest books I had in the library.

I think the bag was at least 45lbs before I was done packing it. A normal person would have at least turned on the lights during the arming process but not this guy. No, I wanted the element of pure surprise on the spider. I wanted his last thoughts to be “I wonder if I should crawl in the tub to scare Billy or hide behind the toilet or perhaps I could just….”(splat!) He wouldn’t even know what hit him.

So I packed the bag, tiptoed to the edge of the bathroom, raised the bag above my head and with all my might I threw the bag right on the victim. The force of the impact was a crushing thud that could be felt through the reverberations in the support beams of the house. The only thing left of that spider would be DNA and goo. Right after the strike I flipped on the lights to survey the damage. The force of the bag split the zipper and some of my reference books spilled against the doorway. Feeling a little cocky I thought, “now that was a good kill.”

So now to see the mess. I figured I would hose off the bag and throw it in the wash but when I picked it up I heard the distinct sound of car keys and plastic pieces. I lifted the bag to revile that I may have committed a case of friendly fire. But there was a spider, wasn’t there? I took a picture! And if he isn’t under the bag then there is one pissed off beastie close by, ready to chomp my bottom. I ran out of the bathroom and grabbed my phone to confirm that there was a spider and I didn’t only kill my keys. Here’s what I saw…

Huh…I guess at 3am keys and spiders look mighty similar. I was a little relieved to know that there wasn’t a huge wolf spider roaming around, plotting revenge but as for my keys…let’s just say the strike was catastrophic. I managed to bash the only set I have and my automatic locks are key operated only now. Honda charges $260 for a replacement set. I hate spiders.

25 Comments

  1. OMG! I thought it was a spider too when I first saw the pic! I said “holy shit!” outloud… then scrolled down and laughed my ass off… sorry… but, that was hilarious!

    I hate spiders!!! *shudders*

  2. lmao . I quickly looked at the picture before reading, I thought it was a spider too. Which made me laugh really hard when I finished reading lol.
    One time I captured a spider to kill it but my brother let it go , I’m still worried it might have lingered around.

  3. OMG, you are a TARD.

    As an aside, wolf spiders are SUPER SCARY! I spent a summer in Belize, and I wouldn’t go to bed at night without searching every nook and cranny of my room for spiders, tarantulas, or scorpions…or roaches. And if I found one, they had to be killed before I would tuck myself into my 2 layers of bug net. No joke.

  4. It’s only going too far when it’s not funny to us anymore, Will! Frigging hilarious… I could totally picture you stumbling through the dark house to fill up the bag, half asleep, and then launching the bag at the spider from 10 feet away. He he … priceless!

  5. *points and laughs*

    This is awesome to a serious degree. However, you do have me beat on this one. I am so grossed out by spiders that I can’t crunch them. Not with anything, cause you can still feel that squish, and then you have to deal with the goo. Not for me. I torch them with a lighter and big ass bottle of hairspray. The boyfriend is convinced I’m going to burn the place to the ground one day. But at least I’ve never torched my keys. (Good thing too, they’re attached to my wallet which would suck extra.)

  6. I find nothing funny about this story as I would’ve screamed at a pitch only dogs could hear before I sprayed it with enough RAID to fumagate a house. Spiders are evil. Not quite sure why the good lord thought they were necessary. I don’t go into the wilderness killing spiders but if those suckers move into my apartment… it’s war. SHUDDER. Oh… and those people who LIKE to have spiders crawl on their hands, face, etc., they’re crazy.

  7. Bill, you and I have a lot in common, namely the thinking anything looks like a spider at 3a,m.

    I had to get my electronic key replaced on a volkswagon a couple of years ago and that ran me like 300, they’ve got a real racket going there.

  8. I am always in awe at the strange and hilarious things you get up to! I particularly enjoyed that you ran and took a picture to show us. Always so thoughtful!

  9. Feeling a little cocky I thought, β€œnow that was a good kill.”

    A good kill would have been to attempt to squash it with your bare hands.

    Pfft…pansy.

    πŸ˜‰

  10. Honestly, reading your blog is hazardous to my health. Maybe you should put that up as a warning. I thought I would be good b/c there is no food in sight. Nope. I slipped off the chair I was partially on like some sort of floozy drunk. I thought you were going to say you knocked a hole you in your wall with all those books in your bag. And I too thought it was a spider when I first looked at the pic and thought, “what kind of scary ass spider is that????” Sucks about your keys though.

  11. You and I should start a business of exterminators that go overboard in how they handle one single bug.

  12. you know- This is one instance where i would have done the SAME DAMN THING.
    All the way to killing my car’s keyfob and stalling on getting a new one.
    So- yeah… you’re not a complete nutter.

  13. Hmm. W-shaped keys=Wolf Spider keys? Um, I think I am trying too hard πŸ˜‰

  14. are there spiders even remotely that big in georgia?

    if so, i’m never going back there again.

  15. hahahaha…I laugh, but I feel your pain, really! πŸ˜‰ ….I think it’s just that your vision and perception is so screwed up when A: you just wake up and B: it’s dark…(cue example….)….when I was 10 I awoke from slumber one night to noises in the backyard…I looked out into the darkened backyard, and holy frackin’ hell, there was a man walking back and forth in our yard…back and forth, to and fro, as menacing as could be (it was Freddy Kreuger, I knew it)…I screamed at my parents alerting them to the backyard intruder, and when my dad went outside, all he found was a squirrel in our backyard…no shit.

    Wow, squirrel=giant predatory psycho-man?

    At night, anything is possible.

    Hope you feel a little better now, but there’s no “Blurry-eyed-Nighttime” charity telethon or anything, so I can’t help you out with the $260….

  16. Wolfies scare the bajeezus out of me. After a scary 5:00 a.m. encounter with a wolf spider one morning, I stopped wearing slippers and started carrying a flashlight.

    Yikes about the keys!

  17. Girly: I hate spiders too. Few things make me jump up and down other than a spider potentially on my person.

    Gigi: You captured it? How did you manage to do that? You are braver than I am. I have nightmares that I halfway kill a spider and he gets me in my sleep.

    essay: I am a tard. But you knew that.
    Belize! How well rounded you are!

    Pammy: you and I are the same person, I think. I rationalize killing spiders in my home because I don’t tromp around the woods randomly smashing them.

    Furry: Yeah, I was quite the sight to see, I am sure.

    Emerald: God, if I lit my keys on fire I don’t know if I would have shared that. I already have the tag as being mildly retarded. I shouldn’t push it to totally retarded. πŸ˜‰

    JoshC: So VW is as bad as Honda, huh? 30 bucks is a tough pill to swallow for anything.

    Scomerican: Thanks. I’m glad you found your way here from Scotland!

    DC: That would be a good kill…..for the spider. Diedd I would have. I do’nt mind being a pansy on this account. πŸ˜‰

    Blue: Sorry I made you fall off your chair. You ok?

    Doho: You’re on man. I have a great business model: Kill’em All.

    Kelli: i know you would have. Like minds smash like things.

    KB: You always make me laugh out loud in public

    Amy: I don’t know if they are that big but I wouldn’t be surprised. When I lived in S. Florida a neighbor found a real King Cobra on her front porch. Apparently people buy these things that are shipped to Miami illegally and set them free. Since then I am not shocked by much.

    Romi: A squirrel = psycho. now that is funny. At least you didn’t try and hit it with a bag full of books.

    Allison: Ah, the old spider in shoe phobia. I will never put my foot in anything unless I have shaken it profusely. Same goes with the pillow. I will never hug my pillow after my buddy got tagged on the arm by a scorpion. Yikes!

  18. wow! I just responded to everyone in no particular order and WordPress magically put them in order as commented. And now I learned something new! Thank you magic WordPress!

  19. Thanks for the laughs. You are a great writer.

  20. Thanks Mike! So are you. I have enjoyed reading your posts. Very insightful and thought provoking.

  21. I just want you to know that my entire family laughed their asses off when I told them this story. I know I sent you that pic of my keys attacking my mom, but I didn’t send you all the other ones of various family members posing with killer Honda spiders on various parts of their bodies. It was a fun activity. Thanks for the opportunity.

  22. That would have been an awfully big spider. It looks more like a bat, which reminds me of a story.

    One night I woke up around 2am needing to use the facilities. So, I stumbled into the bathroom to find something black lying in the center of the floor. Thinking it was just a black sock I kicked it away and to my frickin surprise the sock made a high-pitched squeek and flew at me. Yep. A bat. Blllleeccckkwhooooaaaaaooohhhmmmyyygoddddd. I ran like hell and locked the thing in the bathroom to deal with later. I’m a chicken…especially when it comes to bats.

  23. I prefer to call it ‘outrageously hilarious’, but that’s just my own special brand of denial πŸ˜‰

  24. Dear Billyl, I’ve nominated you for a Blog Award. It’s a small token of my esteem. Please go here for the explanation and details:
    http://mikeb302000.wordpress.com/2008/08/01/blog-award-brillante-weblog-premio-2008/

  25. Oh, Thanks! Really amazing. keep working!


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