Turkey Stalked


For anyone who knows me personally they are fully aware of my irrational fears. Am I scared to swim with sharks? No. Can I watch the movie, The Exorcist at 2am and sleep fine. Yes. Will I hug a frothing pitbull? Of course! But somethings I just can’t grasp and like a typical human, what we can’t understand we fear. My new irrational fear is wild turkeys.

If you are a first time visitor to my blog let me explain. I have recently moved from the hustling bustling city life to far north Idaho where I live in a cabin-like house on a mountain. Everyday has new and exciting challenges like trying to avoid hitting moose on the winding gravel road to retrieving well water. I am loving every minute of it but I will tell you, there are certain things up here that I am unsure of.

Now sure, there are bear, cougar, Indian burial grounds (just up the road 😐 ) and perhaps an occasional shit shot hunter that mistakes runners for deer. But none of those have the audacity to gang up on me in my own backyard like the gang of wild turkeys. I know there are far worse things like what I have already stated but when I went out back on Saturday, these stupid birds charged me! Can you believe that?

As a 30 year old male that still believes he can be rough and tough, I refused to run back into the house. I calmly turned and walked, fast, back into the safety of the house. But i didn’t realise turkeys can also fly. I felt the feathers hit the back of my head and that’s when I took off. Maybe screaming. I made it in the door and looked out the window to see them gathered as if to say, “Come on out! We got all day!”. This pissed me off. It would be different if it was a bear or a mountain lion but these were birds.

I don’t own a fire arm because, well, I don’t hunt. There isn’t a reason to own a killing devise if you don’t plan on killing. But I do have a lucky football and that was my weapon of choice. I opened the door, walked to the corner of the porch and threw a perfect spiral right at the main tom and missed, throwing my football off the side of the mountain. Mother fucker! I really did, as you can see my backyard drops off to the base of Hauser mountain. The turkeys looked off the edge and back to me as if to say, “nice arm, Marino.” I went back inside, defeated.

Turkeys are just awful. They look like their heads are inside out and they don’t ‘gobble’ like you would thing. They sound like a demonic Hamburgler. “Robble Robble”. There is a reason that they are not in a flock or a gaggle but travel in a gang. So all in all I give wild turkey both middle fingers as now they they are my least favorite in the animal kingdom. I even Googled a story that proves turkey’s suck. I found this in Field and Stream.

Between five and 10 large male turkeys, or toms — apparently a little giddy with the onset of turkey breeding season — have been bullying postal workers as they make their rounds, pecking at them and even trying to rough them up with the sharp spurs on their legs. One of the birds launched itself through the open door of a mail truck and scratched the driver.

Eric Lobner, regional wildlife program supervisor for the state Department of Natural Resources, is on the case, investigating the turkey gang.

“They are being threatened by the turkeys, ” said Lobner, who received a call from Wilhite about the situation.

Lobner said other residents should not be too worried about marauding bands of wild turkeys in the streets. He said this particular group of toms has a reputation and has actually been a problem in the past at John Muir Elementary School, chasing school children around the playground and even pecking at the doors after the students were rushed inside the school.

See? I’m not a total Nancy boy. There are documented cases of turkeys gone bad. But I refuse to be tormented so the next day I went outside and sat down with Kootenee. We hung out for a while but I could tell we were being watched. And soon there was a familiar “Robble” in the woods and I turned to Kootenee and told him to get them. Kootenee took off for the safety of the porch. Such an ass!

So here I sit, stalked by wild turkeys and slowly going mad. I imagine I may exercise my 2nd Amendment before my time here in Idaho is done. There maybe a post in the next few weeks with pictures of me in a full feather jacket and a necklace made of beaks. So, just be prepared. Now I will leave you with me in my mind, here on a mountain.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and not play makes Will as dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. all work and no play make Will a dull boy. All wotrk and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Willa dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All Work

And No play

Makes Will A

Dull boy.

EDIT: Stop over and say Happy Birthday to Social Pariah! She is turning almost 30 today! Happy Birthday Mandy!

27 Comments

  1. Pfft. Nerd. πŸ™‚

    See you’re making use of the new jacket. Getting cold up there?

    Only if you think 41 is cold. I do. And I wear my nerd with pride. πŸ˜‰

  2. As you should, my dear. Embrace the nerd!

    And yes, 41 is cold…in my opinion at least. Wait till it snows! It will be so cold, your junk will just shrink right back up into your body. Do me a favor: go invest in a pair of good long underwear. You’ll thank me for it later. And so will your future children.

    That’s a priority! If I lose my junk, well, what else is there in life?

  3. I was almost killed by a fifth of Wild Turkey…so I feel your pain

    Ha Ha! I forgot, I was almost killed by Yardbird once too. Love your site man.

  4. The only thing turkey’s are good for is eating.

    I’m still trying to figure out what exactly you’re trying to portray in that last picture. πŸ˜†

    Slowly going mad. Like a Hitchcock angled picture

  5. Gobble, gobble, robble, robble. I say get yourself a gun, bag a couple of those bad boys and sell them on the Thanksgiving Turkey Black Market. ‘Cause everyone needs a little extra cash before the holidays.

    Personally, when I happen upon a nasty wild turkey (not having a weapon – except for my car) I try and run them down. Turkey chase. Good times.

    If I hit a turkey with my car, I will eat his heart and dance around the carcass. Pics will be included

  6. You need to get a gun…or the Ted Nugent CD box set…either one will do the trick at slaying wildlife

    The Nuge! I still miss his reality TV show where he accidentally chainsawed his own leg. I do need a gun. Apparently the old arm isn’t what it once was. 😐

  7. Exactly…and you know what they say: “Almost lose your junk once, shame on them. Almost lose it TWICE? Shame on you!” Protect the package.

    Twice is too much on the ol’ franks and beans. “Franks and Beans!”

  8. There are some ducks that live in the moat near where I work and they have no fear. None. I on the other hand make a run for my car when they aren’t looking. I came to work on the weekend once and one of the ducks was waiting at the door when I was leaving so I went out a different one. And I’ll be damned if that stupid duck didn’t watch me switch doors and then come after me quaking the whole time. *shudder* On a different note, I woke up Sunday and saw the snow and cursed nature. Then I thought of you and wondered how you fared b/c I’m sure you had it worse than I did. I can only say I don’t miss Idaho winters – Utah’s are bad enough – and haha thiirrrpppp!!!

    My uncle was bit on the ear by a duck and still has a scar, thirty two years later! You’re fear is legit. We didn’t get snow yet, even though it was predicted. I’m holding out for severe cabin fever.

  9. ASS —>

    Hilarious.

    Totally is. He’s good for eating treats and shitting on shoes. Never for chasing down a gang of turkeys. I swear I have never met a dog so afraid of so much.

  10. As a child my older sister and I were tormented by a goose who lorded over the duck pond at our father’s university. One time Bruce (that would be the evil fowl) actually attacked one of myfriends and used her 7 year-old back as a roost. Dad had to save us… I think he kicked it, that evil creature.

    But turkeys? Pffft. Lest you forget I lived near turkey farms for 2 years in college and I learned two things: Turkeys STINK and they are the dumbest animals ever. Tasty, but dumb. I worry for your mental health and think the cabin fever has already set in.

    Yeah, I hate geese too. Do people still have a ‘Christmas Goose’ in the UK?

  11. I swear this is the funniest thing ever!! “Nancy boy”?? Priceless. I could not breathe from laughing so hard over the turkeys. But, yes, they’ve been heard to be a little wild… so you didn’t need the article (LOL!). You’ll probably be friends with them soon. I am cracking up!

    Thanks VeRonda! I’m glad someone can back me up on this.

  12. I’m with VeRonda…given your track record w/ formerly hostile animals (read: Kootanee) the next thing you know, you’ll be cuddling w/ wild turkeys. Well ok, if not the feathered kind, at tleast the kind in the bottle.

    I still say you’ve got the makings of one fanTASTIC Thanksgiving dinner right in your backyard. I know where I’m spending my holiday…

    I’ve got the turkey covered!

  13. I should of known you were eventually going to get into trouble with those turkeys. I am scared of every animal. You just don’t know what they will do. Even a really sweet nice dog can turn on ya. I wouldn’t give a shit, I would run like hell from those turkeys!! I have no pride lol. I bet those wild turkeys don’t taste good though. They would taste gamey and tough.

    I heard they are only tough and gamey by how you kill them. In their case it will be slow and painful.

  14. Woah, I don’t know what in the hell-ass I missed, but I knew you were moving…I just didn’t realize it was to a cabin on the edge of a mountain all Walden style…maybe I read it and my brain just farted or something. Anyways, awesome! Not the turkey part though, that sucks. I’d have helped you out. Just because I won’t eat it doesn’t mean I can’t kick it’s ass.

    Oh yeah, I’m way the fuck out here. Totally Walden. In fact when I first moved here I broke out my old poetry books and read A. E. Housman, “Loveliest Of Trees”. Then I drank mucho beer and switched to “Could Man Be Drunk Forever”. Thanks for having my back!

  15. First, let me say that I found you on Ginny’s blog (Praying to Darwin) and have been lurking around here the last few days. I was not planning to comment but anyone who can write about wild turkeys and The Shining in the same post is inspired and inspiring.

    Also, not to laugh at your pain, I have this thing about flightless birds and I’m going to post a link to it not cuz I’m a particularly shameless self-promotor but because I hope it might help you to get on board with me and just laugh at those f–kers for being birds who can’t fly… I mean, serioulsy – what’s the damn point of having feathers if you can’t soar???? (http://iamtheoctopus.wordpress.com/2007/07/01/flightless-birds-nation-celebration/)

    Also, you might want to see if you can find the famous Thanksgiving episode of WKRP in Cincinnati where some turkeys meet their maker because someone does not know this and hurls them out of a helicopter… You might find it vicariously cathartic. Or you could point the TV out the door as a threat… Whatever works for you I say. Wanton an shameless mockery, even if the turkeys don’t understand, might just be what the doctor ordered…

    Do keep us posted on the turkey situation. It has the air of comedy now but it could turn dark at any moment. Very. Very. Dark.

    Hooray for new friends! I’m glad you came by, Sulya. (Cool name) I love WKRP in Cincinnati! I am going to look this episode up on YouTube right now.
    Flightless birds are just not right but I swear, these birds are high up in the trees and the fly/glide off the mountain. They can also flap and long jump, like on my back. I can also scream a three upper octave A sharp. Wish I didn’t say that. Anywho, thanks for commenting!

  16. “Hooray for new friends!” You don’t by any chance watch the Spanish/English co-produced cartoon Pocoyo do you? Narrated by Stephen Fry? Never mind….

    “Sulya. (Cool name)” Thank you. It’s pretty much totally worth having to spell it slowly to all utility companies and banks…

    “I can also scream a three upper octave A sharp”. Wow. Just wow. If you give lessons I feel like a scream like that might come in handy… Though if the lessons involve wild turkeys long-jumping on to my back I think I’ll pass…

    “Anywho, thanks for commenting!” Your post made me laugh my ass off. I actually cried a little I was laughing so hard. Thus, the pleasure is all mine.

    I’m glad I brought you a laugh or two. πŸ˜‰

  17. I was amazed the first time I saw wild turkeys, because they’re way larger than I thought they’d be, and you’re right, they’re very weird-looking. The noise they make is so much more unsettling than pop culture portrays it.

    I wonder why there were never any stupid 70’s horror movies made about turkeys. I mean, they did one about bunnies and one about worms…

    You know, I feel a great screenplay coming on…

  18. I have no idea if the British still cook a goose at Christmas… you may be stuck in a Charles Dickins moment. I know that my vegan cousins eat tofurkey during the holidays, which is just one reason we don’t spend the holidays together.

    P. S. If you’re not prom king or captain of the football team, you’re at least mayor of the blog world.

    Well, you know I am born on national Charles Dickins Day so….
    And I’m not the Mayor of Blog Wold. Mayor McCheese? Most likely. πŸ™‚

  19. […] While I think they stink and are D.U.M.B. (did you know they drown when it rains because they look upward and don’t shut their beaks?), I have a soft spot in my heart for turkeys as they provided hours of entertainment for two years.Β  My good friend Billy over VeggieMacabre does not share my point of view.Β  In fact, he hates turkeys and, dare I say, is currently vested in a turf war with them.Β  It appears as though the turkeys are winning. […]

  20. You know what I love the most? That you broke your madness up into paragraphs. Because even when you’ve lost your shit, you still respect the form.

    P.S. You’re fucking funny.

    P.P.S. So are you

  21. How did you get into Idaho without a gun? Didn’t they check you at the state line?

    I had to put my finger in my jacket pocket.

  22. i was waiting for a homeresque “DONT MIND IF I DO!” at the end of your rant. no matter.

    last year one of our drivers had a huge wild turkey smash through the windshield of his truck and flap around on the seat till the guy threw it out the window. made a big mess. turkeys are morons.

    ‘Somethin’ Somethin’! Turkeys are morons but in gangs, the are evil.

  23. dude. when i come visit you i will combat the turkeys. since you gave me a thumbs up on my gel shoes, i feel that i am now powerful to outrun them. also, with these shoes, i can also fly. did you know that? well, you will, when my ponytail brushes the back of your head like so many wild turkey feathers.

    thanks for the birthday wishes.

    xo.

    I’m holding you to that visit! Happy Birthday sweets!

  24. “nice arm marino”…lmao….and it’s TRUE! I can’t stand how those robbly turkeys have those ugly faces that look like they’re turned inside out..and then those big butts they have, all bottom-heavy and shit? “Whatever turkey gang, maybe you should spend less time pecking Will and more time working on your glutes…(hahaha, sorry I can’t say that with a straight blog-comment-face πŸ˜‰ )

    PS: maybe “all work and no play” makes Will a dull boy, but judging by those pics, it certainly doesn’t hurt in the making Will “a cute boy” department, hmm, hmmm??? πŸ˜‰ ….don’t judge me for objectifying you, I’m deprived…ahem….

    Oh, don’t be deprived! There are many suitors out there. Hell, I know about 10 single Idahoans that are pretty good with a bow-staff! πŸ˜‰

  25. I had to put my finger in my jacket pocket.

    That was good, that was real good.

    I always one-up an Idahoan.

  26. This better not have been you: 1,200 turkeys clubbed to death in Sanpete
    http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4188/is_/ai_n11444265 (and for the record, I know this happened in Utah but I think you could’ve mentally done it)

    So you’re saying my death turkey voodoo chant is working?

  27. Pammy’s blog sent me in your direction . . . We live in NJ and have wild turkeys in our backyard and I absolutely adore them because it’s so weird to even see a wild animal in this area. However, they are of the wimpy variety that run away the moment they see you. Evidently NJ turkeys are more street-wise than those in your neighborhood. Good luck! What a great place to live – sigh.


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