Flu…I hate u

I’m home sick today. I was at work and sneezed causing a weird achy feeling from my chest to my toes. Two hours later I was laid out with a 102 degree temp wanting sweet relief of death to take me from my misery. He still hasn’t come.
So I am taking this time to whine because I am a big baby when I get sick. I require head rubs and someone to sit with me while I watch The ‘Burbs. I hate being a lone, subjecting myself to daytime TV and drinking forty cups of tea because it is the only sense of relief.
I watched St. Anger which is a documentary of Metallica’s crappiest album. Now my fever has increased listening to James Hetfield bitch about his feelings. I’m sorry James. I’m sorry you get to play guitar in a hard rock/metal band and make millions of dollars. That totally sucks. I think you should kill yourself. I would.
rowrrr!

Yup…

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Words Of Will-dom

I have unintentionally labeled myself a pontificating mouth around the department. Whether it is giving advise about personal problems that I have  no business giving or sharing stories about past military experiences that usually end with “and that’s why you don’t stick your finger in this”, I am now the go-to guy for all non-essential advise and knowledge. Don’t believe me? Well I came onto shift today and found a dry erase board with the title, “Will-dom Of The Day” on it. My job is to write wise sayings, directed by order of the Chief. Me and my big feed hole.

So, I guess I better practice my Will-dom here so you can see what I am passing on to our men and women of the fire service. Be prepared for enlightenment.

  • If you have a black light throw it away. Unless you want to know how much dander your friends have.
  • Never trust a guy that 1) shaves his sideburns totally off 2) wears a charmed necklace on the outside of his shirt 3) orders milk with dinner at a fancy restaurant 4) says words “practically” “anyways” and “you know” in every other statement 5) wears a visor upside down and sideways. Actually number five qualifies as a ‘never talk to’.
  • Most girls will never see eye to eye with guys when it comes to Star Wars, The Godfather movies, watching golf on TV, that beer qualifies as an appetizer, and large malls should only be visited on December 24th. Just accept this, love them for who they are and the things you share and know deep down in your heart, that they are wrong.
  • Cross dressers are people too. It’s ok to laugh just don’t make eye contact with them when you do it.  They don’t  follow a guy code and have the prerogative to kick you in the balls.
  • Like the advice above, if you do feel a laugh coming on, don’t fake a yawn to cover it because it comes across that you are having a stroke and you fool no one.
  • Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Unless you have a dolphin obsession and feel the need to wear an airbrushed dolphin shirt from your 1989  Daytona Beach trip.
  • When monkeys attack they go for the face, thumbs and genitals first. Still think Virgil from Project X is cute?  Yeah, he is. Him and his alligator.
  • Try not to make up your own exclamation sayings. Most will never catch on and the shock of the situation will be interrupted by your peers asking, “what the hell did you just say?”. ex.”What the Frippin’ Froop?!?!?”  and “Mother Bitch!”.
  • Golf is not a sport; it’s a game. I am hard pressed to believe a 230 pound fat guy playing golf while eating a hot dog, drinking beer and smoking a cigar is actively engaged in a sport. Anyone one who disagrees with this notion is welcome to a slap contest at 3:00.
  • I have never heard of anyone beating their loved ones while high on pot. At worst someone probably received an angry hug. Why is it still illegal I ask you?
  • Why do people put election stickers on their automobiles? How bad would it suck to drive a car with a Gore ’04 sticker on the bumper? I am a firm believer in magnetic bumper signs.
  • When you fake a phone call to get out of a situation or conversation, always remember to turn the ringer off.

So what do you think? I say the people  the fire department a getting sound words of wisdom free of charge. I think this is a promotable service. I am sucking IQ points straight out their heads and they don’t even know it. Mmwa hahahaha!

Come Visit Summertime Here

It’s official! I am on the summer countdown now. The snow and ice in North Idaho has taken this southern boy from happy-go-lucky to Pissy McPissface in less than three months. And after looking at the week forecast that is calling for snow, I have decided to light up a pinacolada candle, put on some Hawaiian surf rock, lather up in Banana Boat and start the mind trip to late May. Here is your Summer fun list for 2009.

MOVIES!

meatballsHoly shit this is a great movie! Sure the more sophisticated summer movie connoisseur would pick Caddy Shack if given the choice of Bill Murray movies but there is something about camp that gets me in the summer mood. It kind of sucks that I am too old even to be a counselor but it brings back so many great memories. Memories like late night practical jokes on other cabins, the nervous tension of being forced to spend a week bunking with kids you don’t know, the sadness of the last campfire, and how we all thought the counselors were so cool and the subject of camp rumors and gossip. I still remember thinking that a blow job was something done to an ear. I want that innocence back.

THE POOL!

There are three different but distinct pool days I have in my memory.

jeremy_in_kiddie_pool1Rumor has it this kid was in mid-stream when this picture was taken. That’s a lie, but it kind of looks that way, huh? Anyway, I grew up in a neighborhood that didn’t have a community pool so we were forced to jump through the sprinklers or breakout what my Dad called the “yard killer”; the kiddie pool.  I remember these plastic pools from K-Mart to be as much fun as they look above. Even for an only child who had an imagination that could keep him entertained for an eternity during Catholic mass, this pool, with floating pine needles and drowned yellow jackets, really sucked. Especially when you have a friend over and the suck is multiplied by two. Ugh! I can still smell the hose water and see the pool toys that were just fancy McDonald Happy Meal boxes in the shape of boats.

81007407_9ae4b944e7The next step up is being invited to the friend’s neighborhood pool. That’s an exciting summer day.

100_0338_0022_022Wow…sharks and minos, underwater tea parties, chicken, handstands, cannonballs, jackknives, and of course my famous 1/3 flip off the diving board. That’s always good for a laugh. I also remember the packed lunch and how Hi-C, peanut butter sandwiches, Doritos and Sunkist Fun Fruits never tasted so good. I tried it the other day and it just isn’t the same without chlorine and uncontrollable shivering.

Being a grown up now, the pool is a different place than it was when I was a kid.

pool-party-1996-3-customFirst off, it’s a place I generally drink beer and read. Those are the two things I didn’t do when I was a kid. Also I rarely go into the water because it is usually occupied by 12 year olds and that age group really pisses me off in recreational environments. It’s just a great time to catch up with a good book, drink a dozen beers and sweat them out while working on a one-sided tan because I hate laying on my stomach. I can never get comfortable. Are you suppose to stick your face between the chair straps?

BOATS!

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Boats are great with the right people. You need fun couples or perhaps your drunk buddy who constantly impersonates the scene in Forest Gump when he spots Lt. Dan on the dock and wave/walks off the side of his own vessel. But one summer I spent a week on a houseboat with my best friend at the time and his family. Sounds great, right? Well…they were from Great Britain and we had a steady diet of bake beans and toast and Christmas cake (fruit cake with icing). Oh yeah, and I was stung by a bunch of wasps while tying the boat to a tree trunk. It was a C- week at best.

SUMMER FOOD!

The other day I was having dinner with some friends and we barbecued steak and corn on the cob. It hit me when I confused the texture of the corn with the steak and the tomatoes in the salad and also the baked potato, that I miss food that is in season. Here are some yums we get to look forward to in the next few short months.

oogies1Anything that comes in one of these is great. If it is served by this guy it will be a minor explosion of amazing.

371Pasta salad is the must at all outdoor activities that includes food. If I am present at a picnic and the is no pasta salad expect me to remove the picnic blanket and use it as a cape as I run around and step on the rest of the food. Expect it.

80775820_aguty-s-3Couple of dogs and a beer. It’s hard to imagine lips, assholes and yeast to be a summer must but it is. Especially at a weekday 1pm Cubbies game when you skip work to go. “Heyyy batta batta, sawingg batta!! He can’t hit he Can’t hit he can’t hit…”

watermelon31Quarter sliced watermelon that is wrapped in Reynold’s Wrap. Don’t know why but this is summer to me. But every time I eat watermelon I get a dull pain in my tongue from a watermelon eating race gone bad back in 1985. I remember I bit my tongue and lost the race. As I sat there in failure, holding ice wrapped in a paper towel on my tongue, I was awarded a “nice try” gift. It was bubbles. Insult!

BASEBALL!

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Spring training cranked up and baseball is only a few short weeks away. But here in Idaho I have to rely on minor league games for my live game fix. That’s cool. Maybe they’ll have a “bring your horse day” or something. There is a reason that Field Of Dreams was not filmed here. The line “..is this Heaven?” would not be followed by “No, it’s Idaho”. I believe it would be, “No…are you fucking high?”.

OUTSIDE RUNNING!

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This is one I sorely miss. Soon I will not have to make the choice to run in the morning when it is 15 degrees out or wait until night when it is 22 degrees out. No longer will I be five miles out and step in a slush/ice puddle and have to finish with a frozen foot. I mean, a real frozen foot. No, soon it will be perfect for hauling around the lake and getting a tan.

OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVALS!

outdoor_concertsDo I really need to expand on this one? It’s part of the reason the Earth tilts on it’s axis, you know. But remember, if you see Megadeth this summer, leave the laser pointer at home. See below. I’m pretty sure the guy in the audience is no longer with us.

Now I know what you’re thinking, why did he not include the beach? Well, I did. Last year and you were with me. Remember? Click Fizgig for a memory jog. Remember, just because it’s minus 2 outside it doesn’t mean we can’t get dream. If you need me I’ll be refreshing my surfer language with slang note cards. Check it out here. We have finally dumbed down English that even the retards have note cards. Don’t forget Fizgig click!

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