Is This Seat Taken On The…


totg-short-bus2 copy

That’s rights folks, I am back on the short bus going straight to Hardee’s, er, Hades with a front row seat reserved. I guess it is just a perfect end to an amazingly shitty-ass week. I mean, this week was a humdinger. Let’s recount this for posterity sake, shall we?

I have been having tire trouble with my right front for a while. Every so often it loses pressure and though I have had it checked, there was no indication that a hole was in it. So, I concluded that gremlins sneak air out of it in transit because any other explanation could only lead to ridicule from the Les Shwab tire dolts.

gremlintz

Well, I came back from a trip to find it completely flat in the parking lot. Mother fucker. At that point I knew I had to call it quits with the mystery tire and just change it. So I proceeded to get to work. The only issue was that I had a hell of a time trying to get the jack off (haha) the tire mount resulting in a great gash up the wrist. No biggie, I have had worse.

Long story short I managed to get the car jacked up and took the flat tire off. But before I could put the spare on I noticed a strange creaking sound. While I was trying to pinpoint the odd sound there was a terrific POW and the car came crashing down on an empty wheel rotor-thing, nearly severing my flip flopped wearing foot. The jack completely buckled and busted.

Holy shit I nearly shit a shoe! I kid you not that was more nerve racking than getting into a moving accident. Not only did I almost cut/crush my foot in half but now my car was crippled on pavement with a bent brake and tire mount. I have never heard of a jack completely failing like that. Have you? It’s nice to know that 28K car has a $5 jack in it. Someone is getting a letter!

So, yay for triple A. Car is in recovery and I am in credit card debt.

office-space

I like to say that I am a professional firefighter but in the spring, hours and shifts became hard to get so I was forced back into corporate America as an office solution consultant. This week the “said” boss from Vegas took off for his cabin and left me with the glorious responsibility of firing two people. And anyone who knows me, knows that if I, so much as bump into your shopping buggy at the grocery store, I feel like I should load your car, so one can imagine how much I have been looking forward to canning people who look at me as the “wiffleball tony” of the office. (wiffleball Tony is the guy at the picnic that everyone loves and is the one to start the wiffleball game)

One of the guys I really didn’t mind letting go because, to be honest, he sucked. I have about as much use for him as I do a 4 foot novelty monkey wrench and while that sounds harsh, it really is not. He told a client her breasts didn’t look real while fixing her copier. I fired him with extreme prejudice.

The other, it was difficult and when ever I am in a position of awkward difficulty, I get the giggles. Yup. It’s awful and I am definitley bus-bound to the 7th circle. But even though I handled that like a roller skating party for the Nealy School of the Mentally Challenged, I managed to find him possible employment from a competitor. Don’t ask. People owe me favors I suppose.

To cap it all off, yesterday sealed it for me that this week ranks high on the one out of 52 to forget.  I was walking downtown and past a large window front of a small office space. On the window were pictures and at first glance I thought they were employees showing off how much fun it is to work there. I then stopped and focused in on a particularly funny photo that look much like this one:

awkward

I couldn’t help myself. I let out a thunderous laugh that scared birds from trees. It was one of those contagious laughs you see and while you don’t know what is funny, you find yourself laughing to share their joy. But soon my joy was replaced with a cold sweat of embarrassment and shame as I browsed the other photos and looked past the pictures to see people staring back at me with a look of disgust.

Remember how I mentioned earlier about the Nealy School for the Mentally Challenged? Yeah, I was standing infront of their school. When the realization hit me of what I looked like laughing at these pictures I would have rather been in these ten other places at that particular time.

  1. Driving a Baptist Bus around Baghdad
  2. Having a “meet in the middle” banana eating party with 62 year old Russian prostitute.
  3. Farting in a yoga class full of girls
  4. Setting up a PETA booth at the Idaho State Fair
  5. Having a moped accident on live TV
  6. Watching Boogie Nights with my Mom
  7. Getting a job as a stage hand for the Hannah Montana Tour
  8. Cursed with permanent sand grain in mouth
  9. Teaching T Pain grammar lessons
  10. Eating this laptop

I swear on all that is holy I did not know they were retarded. I really thought the guy was just caught in a bad picture. That didn’t seem to matter and any other week I would apologize and make amends but this week proved to be too much. So I ran. I ran hard and fast with tie flapping in the wind. I think karma owes me an IOU for this week.

Think less of me?

21 Comments

  1. wow, what a week biil.

    My Rudy- I swear you guys have to meet one of these days- just had a craptastic week.
    He had to let go 6 guys for incorrect immigration paperwork. Some of these guys were his right-hand men and had been working with the company for over a decade.
    While that was happening, he had to try and hire 6 new guys- doing inverviews for replacements.

    The ENTIRE TIME, his boss was running around behind his back, trying to re-hire the illegals at a lesser wage because he knew they were desperate for work, while trying to give his own cousin a raise.

    Rudy’s boss is a douchebag. it’s a good thing rudy got a motorcycle last week, otherwise he’d probably be tearing the cupboards off the wall.

    • Wow. What a douche nozzle.

    • Wow. I feel for your guy. What an ass of a boss.

  2. Ungh. I am so sorry about that last thing with the laughing at the mentally challenged. I’ve been caught in situations like that before and there is just no good answer. I would also have run, quickly, away.

    • I probably could have handled that with more finess but I just couldn’t do it. It was what it was.

  3. Yeah, I’ve never heard of that happening to a jack, although it has always kind of been a minor phobia of mine. I’m sure everyone’s thought about it at one time or another. So sorry that happened!

    Well, the next time I’m laid off/fired/let go from anywhere, I’d rather it be you that did it. When I was laid off last year it was done over the phone. Probably for the best though because I’m afraid of how I would have reacted in the office at the time. In fact I gave myself a few days to calm down before I went back that last time to turn in my timecard. I was really afraid of what I was going to say or do when I went in there if the owner of the company was there. From what I understand, one of the other guys who got laid off that week came in and made a real scene. Wish I could have been there for that. He was a hothead anyway and no one was at all surprised. I would have been much more surprised if he had gone quietly. He essentially pulled a Jerry Maguire and told everyone to fuck off that he ever wanted to tell to fuck off, which was basically everybody.

    That picture’s cracking me up. “Hi. I’m Virgil. This is my niece, Julie. We’re really close. She’s pretty.”

    • Oh brother, I am sorry for your untimely job ejection. I would probably go ballistic too. I’m really not sure but I would like to think I could contain myself. Well played.

      Some bridges are ment to be burned.

  4. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. And I read ALOT.

    Maybe because I can relate. The last time I had to fire someone, I was so upset, I started with the line “It’s not you, it’s me…”

    And as for the last one…if I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were reading my diary.

  5. You should have been there. I think it was funnier to witness.

    That’s a beautiful way to let someone go! Now you tell me. 😉

    You should really hide it somewhere else besides under the bed.

  6. Wow. Just wow. I got yelled at by a lady on the bus last week because I moved her shirt over so I could sit down. I cried when I got home. In fact, I cried for a couple of days and now I’m paranoid when I get on the bus (a Metro bus, not a short bus)… but it was nothing compared to your week. Unless you allow the fact that I was PMSing. That counts for something.

    • Some lady yelled at you? What a psycho!
      I heard PMSing counts for something but that is a count I leave for someone else. I am ill-equipped to weigh in on such issues.

  7. jack off (haha) At that moment, I was thinking you’re the best, and then I read the rest. Your luck with the special people is not the greatest.

    • …and that sounds liike I changed my mind and you are no longer the best, when i really meant you are the double bestest now. Super duperest.

      • It is still karma fucking with me. It’s not through yet.

        I think you are double super bestest duperest as well. 😉

  8. Awesome story, Bill. I, too had to use the help of AAA this week. Locked my keys in my car when I came back from break to work ><

    • Aw shit! Pissss!

      (that was from South Park)

  9. HAHA!! I needed a thunderous laugh of my own today. This entry did the trick.

    • I am glad I can be there to deliver that to you Blue. You’re my girl Blue!!!

  10. ppffffHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!!!
    So terribly wrong but oh man soooo funny.

    • It was wrong. I am wrong. But really, aren’t we all wrong?

  11. Wow, what a bitch of a week you had there.

    But your list of 10 things there at the end had me rolling.


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