I No Longer Fear Hell…

…for I have seen Valentines Day.

Now before you ask, I did not plan on ever watching this abortion of a film but I was staying at a friend’s house because I have an office over one hundred miles away from my place (not exaggerating) and that forces me to be a couch hobo from time to time. So, when he informed me his girlfriend was in charge of the movie, I had no choice but to watch…in horror.

Usually I would never admit to seeing this, fearing embarrassment equal to having an involuntary bowel evacuation on the monorail at Disney World but this movie was so cliché’, unimaginative, woman-suffrage-ending, nauseating craptastic and utterly boring, I swear to God it cost me a penal inch. About half way through my fists were so itchy I took a swing at my buddy’s cat. Lucky for it, cat’s have a sixth sense about bad movies and it retreated for the closet. Quick little devil.

So where to begin? The movie follows a number of different people who are all having issues with Valentines Day, ranging from the sappy guy who loves the holiday to the kid who wants to get roses for his sweetheart to the old couple that is having their 50th V-Day. There is about as much creativity as a Christian Mad Libs book here. I am actually pretty impressed with how dumb Hollywood thinks we are and still gets away with it! I mean, fuck, I watched this!

The cast is a diarrhea mix of anyone in the mainstream that will piss off a moderately intelligent person. So let’s break it down one by one. There are a lot of them.

Ashton Kutcher plays a guy who owns a flower shop, loves Valentines Day, proposes to his girlfriend but in a twist gets dumped (when I say twist, I mean like when Scooby Doo catches a ghost and it turns out to be the maid) and ends up with his long time best friend in the end. And he wears pink through the whole movie. I can’t decide who is more annoying; him or his character. I had to be on my best behavior since this wasn’t my place but within the first few minutes of his debut, I telepathically dented my soda can.

I was worried the film would only have one black hole of talent but when George Lopez showed up I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It’s funny but I tend to fall asleep to Nick@Nite and for some reason the George Lopez show is always on infringing on all the good shows. So I change the channel while saying aloud in my best Mexican accent “click” (cleeeeek). Naturally I repeated that when he showed up as one of Ashton’s employees. I didn’t even explain myself.

Okay, so I just looked at the IMDB page and the cast list is so long, if I ripped on every character in this movie, this post would be about 10,000 words and I would be create such a storm of hate, I think my ora would turn a visible tie dye of puke-purple-green and cause a rainstorm in this cafe’. So I will point out a few.

The typical chick-flick cute boy who buys flowers for his fist love in an elaborate display of innocent affection without fear of ridicule from his fellow classmates. Of course it’s not for a girl but the teacher. Shock and twist! But then he gets shot down by the teacher and he is forced to give his $55 dollar bouquet to the Indian girl. If I was a writer for this movie, this kid would be a quadriplegic and bullies would disconnect the battery from his rascal wheelchair and roll him into the girls restroom.

Ah, Jennifer Garner is the teacher of the sweet boy whose misguided crush leads her to her best friend Ashton Kutcher after she learns of her doctor/boyfriend’s double life marriage. She beats the shit out of a paper mache heart filled with chocolate (obviously women’s substitute to prozac on Valentine’s day) with an aluminum bat. God, who is the doctor that would cheat on that walking radar dish? Ooooo, she might hear me

Of course! It’s Dr. McDickless! How could one cast this movie any different? Wait…where is his counterpart, Dr. McDouche?

Oh good, there he is. I was worried that he would be left out from this all-star circus. He plays the quarterback that is in turmoil because he is gay and has to come out. That’s bad news for his agent…

Jessica Beil because she is a depressed single girl on Valentine’s Day that eats chocolate by the pound. Wow. That’s a hell of a character. Way to be an actress of discernment. but there is hope for her because she is falling for a sportscaster who is breaking the gay football hero story and it is none other than…

Jamie Foxx! Is it just me or does this guy look retarded? And by retarded I mean full on Oshkosh overalls and a helmet. I have always thought that and I feel liberated to speak my mind. But his powerful boss doesn’t think so. She is a strong stocky woman who could care less about Valentine’s Day because she couldn’t get laid in a prison with a fist full of pardons. That can only be…

Kathy Bates!

Man, I can’t do this anymore. The list is too long and the characters are too two-dimensional! The only way this movie could take anymore of a turn for the worst would be if Queen Latifah was in it.

Of course she is! Aaaaaaaaaand scene!

Let me end this on a good note. My buddy’s girlfriend cried twice during this movie and that’s okay. Different strokes for different folks and sometimes strokes make people retarded.

Good night folks!

Present Self to Future Self

I just wanted to capture this moment and preserve it in a blog so I can look back from the future and say, “wow, that was worth it”. It’s inconceivable at my current state to believe so, but given time, I thing it will happen. Almost as if I am shouting to my future-self saying, “FUTURE-SELF! YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME!” I can feel him reading this now. That smug bastard.

Or wait, what if I am to be future-failure-self and all this is for not? What if I am burning present-self to oblivion and future-self is reading this shouting, “STOP! STOP! I’M A DAIRY FARMER IN SACRAMENTO! YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THIS!”  To that I say…I need to get back to present-self. Fuck off future-self.

I am sure that future-self hates me right now and I get that. I look at past-self with a semi-satisfactory opinion and I don’t believe that is too out of the ordinary. I mean who doesn’t strive to better each day so there is no way that future-self can be reading this without an eye roll or two. Some of past-self’s actions deserve ball punches with extreme prejudice and I am hoping future-self is not as critical from this point forward. And now I am done writing on this.

I was watching Caddy Shack for the 400th time yesterday and I thought I had just about every line committed to memory until I caught the a subtle interaction between the Judge and his grandson, Spalding. It’s very quick but it is now my new favorite quote.

Spalding (teeing off but doing poorly): “TURDS!”

Judge: “Spalding watch your language!”

Spalding: “Sorry Grandpa.”

(Tries again) “DOUBLE FARTS!”

Well, I managed to cross the 100 mile per week running goal and I think this will be maintained for the foreseeable future. I am really surprised how good I feel, though. There is little soreness, the feet are fine, no knee and back issues and the runs are at a quick pace. The military side of me believes I am not pushing myself hard enough because without pain there is no gain but the 32 year old side of me is knocking on wood while doing the Bartakomous’s, “dance of joy”.  This may culminate catastrophically but really, do I do it any other way?

NEW FAVORITE SHOW!

I was watching Bert the Conqueror last week and I am a huge fan. He reminds me of someone and it is bugging the hell out of me that I can’t think of who. Regardless, this show is great and I highly recommend it. So watch it. That’s an order.

To Get It

God. Life. Getting it.

It’s a wonder how we can stand up right when the winds of discontent and turmoil blow so hard. I’m not sure where to begin when I’m not even sure where it ends? That only makes sense to me but that’s okay; you’ll get it in the end too.

There is a choice you have to make, in everything you do. So keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you.” – Anonymous

A person I know was very close to me and infrequently visited this blog. I don’t know why but I can only assume it was to check to see what I write and see if she was material. Regardless the reason, she would state that sometimes it was less than accurate from what she experienced at the same event. Writing is a medium to translate how my brain works and what I think. In every situation I look for the humor. If I didn’t, what’s the point of this? It would just be an account of where I have been and what I am doing and even I don’t care about that. She doesn’t get it. And unfortunately never will. That’s a heavy-hearted subject.

“Uncle Bill”

Hello?

Come again?

Come again?

Stay?


Stay awhile,

Stick around awhile,

Stick around

For as long as you can.


Heaven help you,

God help you,

Jesus help you,

Everybody else help you.


Everybody,

Everybody make happy,

Make everybody happy,

Be a comedian.

-Bill Borchardt

I saw American Movie the other day and the elderly Uncle Bill let out a stream of consciousness that moved me so profoundly, I was actually in tears. It relayed hopelessness and hope, life, loneliness and companionship, sadness, humanity, and the conclusion to life, ending up the same we began: alone. Nothing in recent memory made more sense than this and it scared me. I see it all the time in the faces of the institute. People who are put away for a disease they can not control. I see it in the elderly who are left in “homes” and forgotten. I see it in myself when I ask the universal question of “why?”. Kind of funny how things like this mean so much to me, while to others, they basically glaze over. To get it.

I’m not what I ought to be,

Not what I want to be,

Not what I’m going to be,

But I am thankful that I’m better than I used to be.

-John Wooden

Can this be any greater of a poetic statement? It’s a motto and no matter where we end up, if we hold this close to the heart only better will we be. (What kind of Yoda speak is that?)

Well, I think I have made my annual “what’s this all about” post so on to bigger and better with a touch of the insane. Trust me, after this summer, I have a pretty good base of comparison. Someone recently told me they aren’t crazy just mentally hilarious. That is something I can respect. So I will now leave you with the greatest picture I found from an old online news article.

My address is so boring!

To Recap

Here I go again, disappearing after a thirty second blog post, random quote and a YouTube video who’s link ceases to work. So sorry for that but I need time to realign and get busy being busy. So here is a quick recap for all those who care. There has got to be someone!

  • I dropped off from Twittering and really, all forms of social networking communication. Especailly since I commonly get Twitter requests from people I don’t know who say things like this:

OMJ! Wsan’t growing panis a lkie.. sohw.. i reemmber. and like.. there was a RAELLY HOT GUY… x

Yeah.

  • I have been traveling a lot for this job and on Monday I had a meeting with a really large woman. And by large, I don’t mean fat or obese but huge in stature. Her head was much heavier than 8 pounds. I don’t mean to be so immature about it so I will say…she looks a lot closer than she is.
  • Now that summer is slowly approaching the Northwest (anything over 58 degrees) my running season has now kicked into full gear. And this season is definitely over committed with races and endurance challenges.
  • I have decided I need to be in business to make “fuck you” money.
  • Back to running, I am working on a project right now with BlipTV, Inc to make slideshow videos highlighting my racing travels and thoughts to post on various webpages. Look for them here and on Facebook throughout the summer.
  • I think I am going to rock a movie review tonight of a movie that everyone has seen. Something that will make only me happy and waste a few hours. Kind of a dick like that.
  • Get this! So I went on this hell of a run the other day and it damn near killed me. Don’t really remember how I drove back but as I was re-hydrating I feel asleep on the couch and angry texted people either in delirium or asleep. They didn’t even sound like me. That’s never happened.
  • And now you are capped. 🙂 Be right back!
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