Candy Cane Culture Clash


This is a topic I have been meaning to write about for years but for some reason or another, I find myself in February before I can. So today, while it is still relevant, I want to write about candy canes. And not the ones we grew up with…

…but the candy canes that truly are candy. I believe Lifesaver candy was the first shot over the bow of Christmas to tell peppermint to get bent. But this bold and progressive move against holly-jolly opened the flood gates and soon other candy makers began to take their goodies, shape them into canes, package them in boxes and ship them to the stores for a 200% profit. How they didn’t jump on this back in the 1950’s when most teenagers still believed in Santa and a desk could stop a nuclear blast, I don’t know. But they are here now, and for twenty bucks I’m going to review them.

As you can see, I have made an Imperial Star Destroyer out of the boxes of candy canes that are about to be reviewed. I will admit, the color spectrum is quite festive and it almost seems a shame to take them out of the box and chew them up. But this site isn’t a photography sight (no shit) and I am less of a guy to stop and gaze at beauty so let’s bust them out.

So I have or tried to remove all the candy canes from the boxes. The Sour Patch Kids did not fare too well but as a guy in his thirties I no longer feel the need to suck my candy cane into a shanking weapon so broken or not, they eat the same to me. You will also notice that these have been labeled and displayed to easy choosing. I did, however, forget to segregate them by flavor. Aw fuck. Oh well, I’ll be surprised.

First! Okay, here we have Jolly Rancher Candy Canes and these appear to be the “Smoothie” edition. Interesting. They come in three flavors being strawberry, mixed berry and watermelon. I am only trying a couple flavors in this review because in all honesty, I have no sweet-tooth. If given the choice between a candy cane and a dry two-day-old triscuit that may or may not have been on the kitchen floor, I would most likely choose the latter. But what the hay, it’s Christmas and if you have been reading this site for any length of time then you know my reviews hold zero weight.

For all those who think that I am eating every variety in whole, this is a no. I have wrestled these out of their insanely tight wrapping and broken a tip off because…why do you think? Exactly. This particular candy cane is most definitely watermelon. If you can’t tell watermelon in taste, you have something seriously wrong with all six senses. I can most definitely taste the Jolly Rancher though the “smoothie” part is a miss on me. It is just sweeter and less sour than a normal watermelon Jolly Rancher is. (8 out of 10 Tim Allen fat suits)

Starburst Candy Canes. I have a bone to pick with these. Green Apple is not a flavor in the original Starburst line. Out of all the winning flavors in the lineup, why did they choose a nonexistent flavor? It confuses me much the same as why the Peanut gang are in different costumes for all recent Charlie Brown Halloween merchandise. It’s a stretch by comparison but the nerve is the same. So I’m not going to try the green apple. I am going with the strawberry flavor because I need to see if these candy canes are indeed the same as the glorious taffy originals. And holy shit they do!!! I am more of a cherry and orange Starburst fan but I will never leave a pink one for last. This is a pleasant surprise. I can’t vouch for the green apple because, what would I compare it to? (8 out of 10 Moose Mugs)

Gobstoppers have always been a mystery to me. I think it’s the name. According to the source of all things true, Wikipidia, the term “gob” means “mouth” in the United Kingdom. (Guise, is this true?) Therefore, a gobstopper must mean to stop one’s mouth. And…I learned something today. Anyway, Gobstoppers were never my first choice as a kid but I did fill a paintball gun with some and had minor success at making a kid cry about twenty years ago.

Oh, the candy canes you asked? Meh. I chose the white one just out of curiosity.

Call me gross if you must, but doesn’t this remind you of a baby tooth just recently lost? It’s the only thing I can think of once I cracked this piece off. Perhaps it’s strange irony but this should be a foretelling of tooth decay to come. The taste? It’s fruit punch. Most definitely fruit punch. (7 out of 10 Narwhals)

These are the ones I have been dying to review. Sour Patch Kids have been the candy of choice every time I go to the movies and a box of these can certainly burn all taste away for a solid week. I also like to share them with friends and press that little spot between the jaw and the bottom of the earlobe. Try it next time your eating these. You’ll hate it.

I tried to make sure that all the boxes of candy canes were purchased without damage but I believe these floppy cocks were shoved in the box the same way Lenny pets a mouse. But like I said, I am not here for looks. It’s the similarity to the original that I am here to review.

They are sour, there’s no argument with that but as for the similarity? Not really. They are Lifesaver candy canes dipped in Sour Patch Kid sour…sugar…stuff. It’s exactly what I expected so therefor I will only give it an average grade. (7 out of 10 Figgy Puddings)

Spree! I love the name. Spree candy canes promise to have a “flavor kick” on the inside much like the original candy that tastes like Advil on the outside and a powdery sour mix on the inside. Between the 500% of daily sugar intake and the fact these are hard candies, it makes Spree a dental nightmare. To combat this Willy Wonka adds that thse are fat free candies. So we have that going for us!

These are pretty good. I am not going to lie that of all the candy canes, these have come out close to the top only because they are not absurdly sweet and sour. I’m an ordinary average guy so there for these will get an above average average grade. (9 out of 10 Bumpus Hounds)

Well it’s nice to see someone hasn’t forgotten the mint in a candy cane! I love these! As an addict of coffee and tea, I have the need to brush my teeth five times a day. What? I don’t know why I needed to say that. Oh yeah! This has a great coffee-like taste to it and sure enough, it’s a spectacular stir stick! Hershey does a great job with the “less is more” angle and if you like mint in your stick and enjoy chocolate too, this candy cane is for you. Damn, I need to write jingles.             (10 out of 10 ill-digested potato or beef resulting in a hallucination of the ghost of Jacob Marley) 

Last but not least we have come to Sweetart Candy Canes and the ones that look most similar in color scheme to the intro to Saved By The Bell. Like most other assorted candy canes, these come in a variety of flavors being cherry, green apple and blue punch. I choose you, Blue! Pika! Pika!

These are just like what I had imagined. What a shocker. They are mildly sour and that stays through duration of eating. I like them but in all honesty, a 13 year old’s pallet is what these things were designed for. Without a lot of fanfare I will end this review on an average grade. (8 out of 10 shoeless John McLanes)

So there you have it! These aren’t your traditional peppermint candy canes and some don’t quite taste like their original form but I like the spirit of them. This is the time of year to get a cavity or two, gain a couple of pounds or even suck a cane to a sharp point and stab those terrible inflatable lawn ornaments across the street that you’ve been staring at for the past month. These are all good things so be good for goodness sakes…somebody’s comin’! Somebody’s comin’! Wait, that was from Ghostbusters.

Sorry for the lack of Christmas posts. I am getting a better laptop because this one sounds like the truck/generator that Arnold filled with explosives, lifted off it’s stand and pushed into an enemy tent in the movie, Predator.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!

30 Comments

  1. Can’t believe you didn’t eat the apple one. From the very first photo, it was my favorite. The prettiest by far. I don’t think you gave ’em a fair shake, Bill. And you call yourself the internet’s premier candycane review authority. Psha.

    • wow i hope mine wasn’t bad or something because i just posted about how horrible it was and green apple is my favorite flavor. I feel like I may get sick. Yuck!

  2. I know. I’m a traditionalist. I should have reviewed Christmas frozen Indian Curry. It was a tossup but heads prevailed. If it’s any consolation I have half the package still here if you want them? They are green!

    • They are beautiful – that kind of green is my favorite. But they are poisonous death to me. You should smash them into a million pieces and roll a frosted cupcake in them. Don’t eat the cupcake! Give it to someone you hate.

      Beetus and tooth decay are the gifts that keep on giving!

      • I hate your beetus.

      • I hate it too. Let’s punch it in the balls.

      • Let’s kill it. I have no soul so no worries there.

  3. Will! I try the Sour Patch Kids ones on the upcoming Brian & Tim Show – Holiday Edition!

    • There is a holiday edition?!?!?!? That is awesome! I love it when Tim is reviewing.

      Congrats buddy, btw!

      • And I stole the term “floppy cocks” from Tim in your Fast Food Challenge. Tell him I am sorry.

  4. Hah, I looked this up because I just tried to eat a sour apple Starburst candy cane and it was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. Kind of like paint thinner or something poisonous. Got worse and worse and then I threw most of it away.

    • HAHA! Victory! I knew I was right. Thank you Jackie. I hope you come here more often. The key to the city is yours for the day.

      • Ha Ha

  5. Yea! I’m told it’ll be up this week maybe Tue. Speaking of this week, this Wed. 12/21 will see the premiere of RtW TV episode 4!!

    Oh, man, “floppy cocks”, I don’t recall the specific line, but it probably caught me completely off-guard.

    • Brian, I think it was in reference to Burger King fries. May have been Wendy’s. I need to rewatch that episode.

  6. Brilliant, just brilliant, and not just the day-glo cane-color-scheme. Though the Hershey’s are the only ones I would touch (and I don’t really like mint that much), I salute your review, because I will never have to wonder about these candy canes again.

    Extra bonus points if you develop a drink or dessert that uses crushed up crazy canes. 🙂

    • I am glad I can save you and your kid’s dental exams from these.

      On it, as for your drink idea! Thinking a less creamy drink.

  7. I have never been much of a candy cane fan but your review has prompted me to consider….for just one flavor– the mint chocolate. How fabulous must those be? Pretty fabulous to score a 10 out of 10 Bob or Jacob Marley rating.

    And I think you’ll appreciate this– I just watched ‘Home Alone’ for the first time with Abby (to clarify; it wasn’t just that it was my first time watching it with Abby; it was my first time watching it period). Anyhow, I can’t quit repeating the ‘keep the change you filthy animal line’, which– according to Abby– will probably get me fired soon.

  8. Haha! I am laughing at Abby’s warning. Yes, as an accountant maybe that could be taken wrong. 😉

    I love that you experienced Home Alone for the first time with your daughter. What a great kid’s movie! I am lucky such a movie wasn’t out when I was her age. I would have most definitely booby-trapped the house and most definitely been grounded.

    Try the Hershey’s canes. It’s a well spent $2.60. ; ) AND they have a shelf-life of 200 years.

  9. Narwhals??

    Is that thing that comes out of the sea with horn on it’s head? I think it is Elf or Rudolph.. I can’t remember.

    Cool post.

  10. Hi – just discovered your blog via a Pinterest link back to your glorious reindeer/snowman Christmas jumper of 2007 (or was it 2008) – by the by, the idea of a 30 year old male feeling the compulsion to create a sweater, and then doing it with such style compelled me to jump to the future and do some reading (and I have to say I’m lovin’ your stuff!) Which brings me to my point – we Australian’s also use the phrase “gob” to refer to ones mouth – giving us the delightful terms “Shut ya’ gob” or “Smack ‘im in the gob” which were more used in my primary (elementary?) school days (some 25 years ago now – eek), but not so much now, probably as we had not mastered the use of profanities, or more likely were too afraid of the teacher’s wrath to use them! (Unlike the kids of today who are well versed in the art of cussin’ and are just as likely to pull out a makeshift weapon for good measure!)
    The old Gob Stopper then is a lolly so comprehensive in size and flavour that one’s gob is (supposedly) stopped from sheer volume and delight!
    Hope this clears up what was sure to be an issue that was keeping you up into the wee hours!
    Cheers
    Allison

    • Hi Alli! Thank you for stopping by!

      I now use the term “gob” in everyday talk. It’s like I found a new lingo. I do often use terms that are very British. Keeps things interesting. 😉

  11. The sweetart candy canes are my favorite, of course I really like sugar so that makes sense. I got the mint Hershey canes thinking they would be awesome but mine tasted like I was chewing plastic. Maybe I got a bad cane.

    • Oh you didn’t like them? Did you take the plastic wrap off first? 😉

  12. […] last year’s rundown I did featuring unorthodox candy canes of the season. Oh you don’t? Well here is the link and just to recap, I tested each flavor and compared them to the original candy (i.e. did the […]

  13. […] blog is no stranger to candy canes. Last year and the year before I did a pretty extensive review of all candy canes from the Smarties flavored ones to Jolly […]

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