I Bought Death. He Was A Bargain.


Last night I went on a Halloween hunt for anything that the stores are willing to put out for this, the first week of September, 2013AD. It is hard to have much luck here in Winston-Salem because it seems anything new first appears in larger cities. I have been eying the loot my buddies like Molly and Cliff (Holidaze) with envy. But yesterday I hit gold. Fifty dollar gold but still gold, none the less. I bought Death.

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I was shopping at CVS earlier in the day for something. I can’t, for the life of me, remember what it was because when I strolled down a meek Halloween display I saw this huge box, boasting it’s a $90 value for only $49.99. A six-foot Grim Reaper that was a bargain too?!?! How can one not? But I was still in a suit and leaving out of a CVS during the work day carrying a $50 grim reaper was not in the cards. So I left to change and come back. I’m weird about such things.

 

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I bought the big bastard and proudly marched it out of the CVS while passing snickering customers and clerks. I don’t care. Such joy is oblivious to “normals”. I had a six-foot pillar of death and I found him at a drug store. Everything is right about that and no one can take that from us.

When I got him home I couldn’t take the time to take the dogs out because I was too excited to construct this guy. They would have to hold it a little while. But when I opened the box and saw this mess of bones, pipes and wires, I got their leashes out. This would be a process.

 

 

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What’s the movie where a ball of mess comes crashing through a window and it slowly morphs to a terrific monster? Is it Bram Stoker’s Dracula? I don’t think it is but it’s close. Regardless, this is what this ball of mess on the office bed looked like. (Damn that’s a dumb filler)

EDIT: It was the original Salem’s Lot!

By the time I had this all straightened out I was more confused than when I had begun. You might ask, “Will/Bill, where are the directions?” And I would answer, “Rump roast”.

I don’t read directions.

 

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But I will say, this was a bit confusing to get to the skull and see a giant spring sticking out the back. I almost was about to drill a whole in the wall and have a bouncing skull for my “wall of dread” that makes so many guests uncomfortable, but we are so close, why deviate from the goal now?

 

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The body was just a bunch of tubes with a large electronic shoulder/torso that is constantly twisted in a death shroud. I hate fabric and trying to untangle it. That’s why I don’t sail. But with patience and perseverance, it started to take shape.

 

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I figured out that the spring goes directly into the shoulder-hole, giving the head a constant bounce or “bobble-head” look like the box advertised. It didn’t seem like it would work but now that the head is one, this creature of death is most agreeable. He even likes my shirt no matter how I posed the question. Always a yes-man, I guess.

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Finally! Oh wow, that is great. I now know how the father in The Christmas Story felt when looking at his major award for mind power. I just want to sit and Instagram him holding various items and signs like the shaming photos of dogs. “I ate a pillow and pooped in the hallway.” That could not do anything except gain friendship around the world.

So that is how I put him together but what else does Grim do? He moves and talks! I found this out while trying to find the “on” switch and simultaneously connecting the skull wires. It was a surprise which caused me to somehow miracle myself into the den. He’s really loud.

I’m just going to have to show you a video. Words can fail when describing such things.

He says quite a bit more when you set him to “sound activated” but when you press his hand, it’s only the one line. That’s okay with me. I love him no matter what he says.

Wow, when viewing this little video I found my missing Powerade!

 

 

6 Comments

  1. So far, I’ve managed to resist the lures of the CVS MONSTER DISCOUNTS… This year, I feel resolve crumbling… even now…
    MUST… BUY… AN UNSETTLING ROOMMATE…!

    • It’s a good buy. He doesn’t cook you eggs but his jokes are epic.

  2. He’s amazing! And the fact that he’s holding Yummy Mummy makes things that much better. Great pick-up!

    • I can’t review stuff like you and Matt can so I thought I would let him have a crack at it. 😉

      • Haha I don’t think anybody can review stuff like Matt. He’s in a league of his own, but this was an awesome post. I’m looking forward to more of your spooky visits.

  3. 50 bucks well spent. Not sure why you had to change out of your suit to purchase such a glorious Halloween item, but to each his own.


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