Limited Time Only Pop-Tarts and Fiber Fruit Snacks?


Oh heck, why not? Time for another Limited Time Only edition where I tell you to run out and buy something before it becomes product history. Are you ready? If not, I can wait. I’ll be over here watching Maximum Overdrive for the thirtieth time this week. “You got that, Fuck-Face?” I was referring to the movie, not to you.

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Holy Jesus’s ghost, Pop-Tarts turned 50?!?! And they brought back an extinct flavor to boot? Oh it truly is an amazing time we live in. Yes sir, the fine people at Kellogg are celebrating 50 years making these flat, fruit-filled pastries that turn to napalm when toasted. While there are hundreds of flavors, Pop-Tarts do a great job of introducing limited time additions to the collection much like the one above. But “Flavor Flashback” does lead me to believe this was once a constant.

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These….are not good for you. Even as a little kid, I knew Pop-Tarts were less breakfast and more a Friday night kid-coke binge treat.  You still have to love them for what they are and that is America. Where else can you get an anthropomorphic toaster named “Milton” to push unnaturally preserved sugar squares with goo in the middle for breakfast? And was a success?

I got the birthday cake edition and while they are no S’mores Pop-Tarts, they aren’t too bad. I think having a birthday cake flavor Pop-Tart is very appropriate for the milestone of 50 years. Just think, a half century of pumping pure sugar through the veins of kids making life a living hell for thousands of bus drivers, parents and teachers. I also think they went to space and if I am not mistaken, we dropped around a million over Afghanistan in 2001. Take that you goddamn Taliban!

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For good measure, I tried one so you know I come from an honest place. It’s like someone put cake frosting between two, three year old graham crackers. And the graham crackers were stored in a very damp lake cabin. It’s the most accurate way I can describe them.  Now I will take them to my office and feed them to our AP lady’s kid who she has to bring with her to work after 3:00. That kid hasn’t sold me out yet.

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In other news, the people at Fiber One took my long love of Fun Fruits and turned them into something that improves colon health. Jebus Hebus, age happens to us all. But hopefully having to be health conscious that doesn’t mean everything has to taste like dog balls. No, Fiber One does great things in the department of tricking you into eating fiber without crappy mixing powders or Grape Nuts. By the way, what’s up with Grape Nuts? No grapes-no nuts?

Be sure to tip your waitress, ladies and gentlemen.

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It’s kind of funny that they make little fruit shapes to trick us into tasting the intended flavors. Even as a guy in his thirties, I do like eating orange flavored fruit snacks in the shapes of orange slices. It would really mess me up if they were in the shapes of trees. I do, however, really prefer Spooky Fruits.

At three grams of fiber per pack, that is equivalent of a really big piece of broccoli, a small apple or a normal banana. I need an average of around thirty-eight grams to keep me going a day and that means I need to eat 12.666666666666667 packs a day. That means a box is 1.8999999 short of a my daily fiber needs. I think that’s doable.

These kind of taste like they are intended to be good for you so we know what that means. Yup, they are average when it comes to taste and texture. Sure, if I had to pick between these and dried peas, I would definitely choose the poop inducing fruit snack but alone, I am afraid these just don’t make the cut for $3.99.

Thanks friends and I hope you are relaxing tonight.

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. “And the graham crackers were stored in a very damp lake cabin.” and that dog balls line — you were really firing on all cylinders! We were never a Pop-Tarts house growing up and as a young adult I tried to see what the fuss was about but it was just TOO much sweetness that it never clicked with me as a legit breakfast option. I’ve only had a handful in my lifetime.

  2. S’mores Pop-Tarts are definitely the best, but I always think of them as a snack food more than a breakfast. Except in college when there was a period where I would eat them for any meal of the day. My wife grew up eating unfrosted Pop-Tarts, and I just don’t get that at all


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