For A Limited Time Only

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Hi there! Welcome to the new page on VeggieMacabre that is dedicated to all things with the tagline “Hurry before it’s gone”. We will take adventures in trying limited time offers from around the country or even the world and that is where I need you, the reader, to help. If you are driving by a Dunkin’ Donuts and notice themed coffee and it’s only hanging around for a month, lets yap about it!

Here’s the deal. I’ll be writing about various limited time offers as I see them but I am also opening up this page as a community blog so feel free to shoot me an email at veggiemacabre@gmail.com OR Twitter me @Veggiemacabre. You can link me on you blog and I’ll paste it here or just write a Word doc. and email me. I’ll be sure to pump your article up until people block me. That’s a promise.

Fun times!

SHAMROCK SHAKES!!!!

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The first post for the new page is especially special. It’s even more especially special when it’s done by Brian over at Review the World dot com. He’s such a great dude and it’s fun times whenever I get to collaborate with him.

Today we take on the Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s that surfaces this time of year and yes, it’s for a limited time only. Let’s what Brian wax poetry over this minty shake and worry everyone who is watching him from a distance. I’ll be adding my own review shortly but for now I want you to watch this awesome video.

Thanks Brian! You are certainly a master of your craft.

And here is mine!!!! Sorry it took so long.

JUNIOR MINTS PASTELS!!!

Junior Mints will always be the candy that Kramer accidentally dropped into the open cavity of a body undergoing surgery during an episode of Sinfeld. I have no real ties to them other than that and they seem to be the #3 choice for all movie-goers. Honestly, do people buy Junior Mints outside of the movie theater? I don’t think I have seen anyone walking around eating them in another environment.

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Well, regardless if Junior Mints are eaten in a movie theater or over an operating table, the Tootsie Roll Company has painted the deer turd-looking treat a pastel shade of blue and yellow in celebration of Spring and Easter. Whoopie! They have the same texture and minty flavor as the everyday Junior Mint but whether it is psychosomatic or the chemical makeup has changed, they are weird.

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To me, I think it is the choice of color. Yes, yellow is the normal Spring color but the blue kind of throws me and I think I know why. That shade of blue and the fact it has a mint taste brings me back to forced visits to my great aunts in Pennsylvania. I hated going there because for whatever reason, I had a fear of old people. And they were old!

I know this sounds like I was a cruel spoiled dick of a kid and maybe so, but sitting on a couch wrapped in plastic as my Mom and Grandmother talked with them about phlegm and bruises that won’t go away just really took a kids appetite and killed it for seven years. From the vaporizers to the electric chairs on stairs, I prayed for these visits to be quick. Also, I hate slippers.

Coming back to the blue mints, my great aunts also had bowls of blue mint candy. From what year, it’s anyones guess but I bet if the mints could talk they would tell you their vote was casted for Dwight Eisenhower. No matter what excuse I made, the aunts would not let me leave unless I had a pocket full of these dreadful pieces of candy. I had to endure this until the Japanese invented the Gameboy. God bless that wonderful country.

So, Pastel Junior Mints taste the same but their ability to unleash suppressed memories is pretty amazing. Congratulations Junior Mints! Now I am thinking of lipstick stained crumpled tissues.

GOLD STAR CHILI’S DORITOS WITH AUDIO-ALPHA!

What? So Chris aka Audio-Alpha has been blowing up YouTube with his photogenic grin and awesome personality entertaining us with positivity and raw honesty. Brian from Review the World introduced us and I have been a fan ever since.

Today, Chris is showing us a little peak at the limited edition of Gold Star’s Doritos Nachos. I have not had Gold Star chili but since it’s a Cincinnati style chili, I know it’s amazing. Seriously folks, if you have not had an opportunity to try Ohio chili, please jump on it! It has a dash of magic in it.

Watch and enjoy and let your culinary imagination take flight. Sorry about your cholesterol.

CHIPS AHOY: ICE CREAM CREATIONS!

So I was roaming the grocery store looking for vegetables and mineral water when I bumped into the cookie aisle. No idea how that happens. And what do my wandering eyes focus on? Well, the good people at Nabisco rolled out ice-cream flavored Chips Ahoy cookies FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY and I could not help but buy the root beer float edition. Sure they had mint chocolate chip and rocky road but if you make a cookie and link it to soda, I have to try it. And maybe throw it up.

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Sorry this is vertical but in my haste to put these in my mouth I needed to stand and snap this. As you can see there are white chocolate chips and normal ones. The batter, however, tastes EXACTLY LIKE ROOT BEER! I am mildly impressed and not because it tastes good but because it tastes so much like root beer. Almost like Jones Soda Green Bean Casserole soda. It’s not good but fuck if it isn’t green bean casserole.

I made the mistake of trying one and closed my eyes. And thought of pink Necco Wafers. Then sad took over my whole body as I hurked and jerked. The following faces represent my feelings.

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Pick some up and eat them now. They will not be around long!

UTZ SPICY & WAVY TABASCO CHIPS!!!

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Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! These have been out for a long time and most likely will not be going anywhere so why would I include these on the page, “For A  Limited Time Only”? Well, they are new to me and I eat potato chips about as often as the equinox. Okay, that’s not true but I really try not to shove chips in my face. It’s a personal choice.

UTZ has a special history with me. I remember during my high school years I went on a ride with my Uncle Mark and his best pal, Jim. The two were a couple of goofy guys but their excitement over the little things in life really brought me to stop and smell the roses. I definitely miss them.

Anyway, on a trip (or trek) to Bass Pro Shop in Allentown, PA we made a detour to the UTZ packaging plant. Before I knew it we were dressed in lab coats, hair nets, goggles and hard hats and toured the facility. Looking back I was pretty confused over the excitement of UTZ packaging but as a Pennsylvania staple, this was the mecca of the pretzel. I guess that is why I love Marc Summers so much.

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So what about these chips? Well, I do love Tabasco so already I know these can’t evoke hatred unless there is a dead bird in the bag. If that happens I guess I will be a very rich man so maybe hatred is a strong word. No, these chips would have to kill me for me to dislike them. But then how would I dislike them if I was de- NEVERMIND!!! I am sure these are just tits!

Right away that signature tang of the Tabasco sauce hits your mouth like a 80-year-old driving through a farmers market. There is no mistake it is Tabasco sauce either. I come from the hometown of Texas Pete (I live in NC not in TX so wrap your head around that) and there is a definite difference in the two sauces. It’s almost like a spicy salt and vinegar chip which is a very good thing! All three elements in this chip will keep a person eating these for three days straight. Dangerous.

I can’t leave these chips without addressing that the bag is dressed like a Tabasco sauce bottle. Also, it looks like it could be perfect Christmas wrapping paper. I’ll keep that in mind for next year’s company Christmas party. “Look! I got you chips!”

Over all I think these chips are up there with the kings of junk food like Doritos and Funyuns. They won’t burn through the bottom of your jaw and land on your lap but they do have a little bit of a kick. A tangy addictive kick that will double up your consumption as well as chins. This truly is what potato chips are all about. In fact, if I was a potato I think my last request would to be…I’ll stop. Go out and try these. I promise they won’t make you go out and commit crime.

THE KFC DOUBLE DOWN!

I know it’s been a while since I have done another installment of “For A Limited Time Only” and for good reason. Between travel and the awful situation with my little dog buddy, there hasn’t been too much time for anything. But I am not going to let this one escape the vault of limited time items just because it’s too ridiculous not to include. The infamous KFC “Double Down” is back for a short time and it wants to kill you.

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I am not going to lie to you, I was a little embarrassed ordering this thing. I’ll explain what it is in a minute, just incase you are unfamiliar, but I almost wanted to ask for a vegetable to balance out the order. KFC, however, scoffs at the thought of anything good for you so I was forced to look like the guy who just doesn’t give a shit. (I also had a Texas Pete stain on my shirt which I found later this evening. Class act)

The Double Down is the fast food’s middle finger to the FDA, American Heart Association and Surgeon General. Since its inception back in 2010, it’s been called everything from the “Fankensandwich” to “the worst thing freedom has to offer”. Personally, I find it fascinating. Not because it has an entire days worth of sodium and weeks worth of saturated fat, but because there are people out there who will eat this as a low carb option. You know, to lose weight?

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“Jesus wept”

There she is. All 580 calories and it’s packed in a cute little box. Deconstructing the “sandwich” you have two fried chicken breasts, two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and the Colonel’s secret sauce. Alone, these items seem harmless but when their forces combine they become the Double Down, champion of a fat ass.

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This is what it looks like to laugh in the face of danger. I tried it and I am still here. No better; no worse. The taste is exactly what I expected given the nutritional facts before hand. Just one bite (and I only had one bite) required a bottle of water from the sodium shock. And believe it or not, this comes in a grilled version however it has more sodium than the abomination you see above. That’s right, the Colonel has a plan of doom for everyone. Even the delusional who think they are healthier going the grilled route.

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I didn’t think eating a bite would harm me but I have heard the mere sight of this sandwich causes a rare form of sudden obesity. I don’t believe any of tha-

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Aw shit…

PETER LOOK AWAY!

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Sorry, man. Looks like the urban legend is true.

NEW SUMMER SODA: MT DEW and Dr. Pepper

Are you ready for the summer?

Are you ready for the good times?

Are you ready for the birds and bees,

The apple trees,

And a whole lot of fooling’ around.

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Summer is here ladies and gentlemen so apply that sunblock,  put on the shades and kick back at the pool taking short breaks to yell “no running” every few minutes to kids you don’t know. It’s a fun little game I like to call “getting to not know your neighbors”.

Above all the great sweating that you will probably do this season, we are gifted with a couple new limited time only sodas from the great people over at Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew and…Taco Bell. I’ll explain in a minute.

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Ba-Boom! I present to you the summer edition of Mt. Dew Baja Blast and Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float, both cans which scream beach balls and top-of-feet-sunburn. The quiet rumblings on Twitter were only confirmed when I was running into the grocery store for sandwich bags only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a tower of mixed twelve packs accompanied by beach chairs and Banana Boat lotions. I walked out two twelve packs richer and no sandwich bags. I still need sandwich bags. Shit.

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That is the color of paradise, no? It quite honestly is a Crayola Fiji and if that’s not a thing, I think they should jump on that. Mt. Dew Baja Blast was originally a Taco Bell exclusive and the only way to drink it was when you demanded to have diarrhea at 2am. By that I mean, the only way to get a Baja Blast Dew was dining in or out of a Taco Bell. Since summer hit across the US, we are now safely able to consume Baja Blast minus a blast.

As far as taste goes, I really don’t have a good barometer for Mt. Dew since the sugar and caffeine are turned up to eleven, it all is the same to this 36-year-old. However, if I shut my eyes just at first sip, my brain conjures up tropical fruit snacks from the late eighties. That with a hint of soap. The color far outweighs the soapy after taste so if you can push the thoughts of Dial out of your mind, this drink should be your go-to thirst quencher.

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Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float? Sure, why not since there are other variations of the Dr. Pepper like Cherry Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Dr.Pepper, 10 Calorie Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper, Double Diet Semi-Cherry 10 Calorie Dr. Pepper and so on. The Vanilla Float, as far as I know, doesn’t have a third cousin.

This one left a little to be desired. I like Dr. Pepper. I like vanilla floats. But a strange thing happens when you combine them. Have you ever heard that if you put a wooden spoon on top of a boiling pot it prevents the contents from boiling over? (Seriously, it works) Kind of the same thing. These two flavors take the carbonation out of the drink within seconds. I don’t get it, but damn if it doesn’t flatten in faster than dog sneeze. It’s fast. The flavor is exactly what you would expect; sweet vanilla with sweeter Dr. Pepper. It’s sweet.

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The real bonus is the can itself. I’m a sucker for the packaging and this can is what makes summer in the grand ol’ USA great. I know, it’s nothing more than clip art but what the hell, I love it so much I reserved a can for my soda collection. I just started that odd collection last year which makes this my fifth can. At this rate, I should have enough for a case by forty-five. And at forty-five, having a soda collection should solidify my single lifestyle. No woman in her right mind would stand for closet full of expired soda. Or maybe she would be the best woman in the world? Hmm, new standards forming.

So, there you have it! We have started out summer in high gear with two great summer beverages or at least one great soda color and another great soda can. You can’t expect to have your cake and throw it too.

If you want to find out first hand about Baja Blast, my boy Brian from Reviewtheworld.com was able acquire a cup through questionable motives. 😉 Watch and have fun.

POP-TARTS TURN 50 AND FIBER FRUIT SNACKS?

Oh heck, why not? Time for another Limited Time Only edition where I tell you to run out and buy something before it becomes product history. Are you ready? If not, I can wait. I’ll be over here watching Maximum Overdrive for the thirtieth time this week. “You got that, Fuck-Face?” I was referring to the movie, not to you.

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Holy Jesus’s ghost, Pop-Tarts turned 50?!?! And they brought back an extinct flavor to boot? Oh it truly is an amazing time we live in. Yes sir, the fine people at Kellogg are celebrating 50 years making these flat, fruit-filled pastries that turn to napalm when toasted. While there are hundreds of flavors, Pop-Tarts do a great job of introducing limited time additions to the collection much like the one above. But “Flavor Flashback” does lead me to believe this was once a constant.

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These….are not good for you. Even as a little kid, I knew Pop-Tarts were less breakfast and more a Friday night kid-coke binge treat.  You still have to love them for what they are and that is America. Where else can you get an anthropomorphic toaster named “Milton” to push unnaturally preserved sugar squares with goo in the middle for breakfast? And was a success?

I got the birthday cake edition and while they are no S’mores Pop-Tarts, they aren’t too bad. I think having a birthday cake flavor Pop-Tart is very appropriate for the milestone of 50 years. Just think, a half century of pumping pure sugar through the veins of kids making life a living hell for thousands of bus drivers, parents and teachers. I also think they went to space and if I am not mistaken, we dropped around a million over Afghanistan in 2001. Take that you goddamn Taliban!

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For good measure, I tried one so you know I come from an honest place. It’s like someone put cake frosting between two, three year old graham crackers. And the graham crackers were stored in a very damp lake cabin. It’s the most accurate way I can describe them.  Now I will take them to my office and feed them to our AP lady’s kid who she has to bring with her to work after 3:00. That kid hasn’t sold me out yet.

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In other news, the people at Fiber One took my long love of Fun Fruits and turned them into something that improves colon health. Jebus Hebus, age happens to us all. But hopefully having to be health conscious that doesn’t mean everything has to taste like dog balls. No, Fiber One does great things in the department of tricking you into eating fiber without crappy mixing powders or Grape Nuts. By the way, what’s up with Grape Nuts? No grapes-no nuts?

Be sure to tip your waitress, ladies and gentlemen.

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It’s kind of funny that they make little fruit shapes to trick us into tasting the intended flavors. Even as a guy in his thirties, I do like eating orange flavored fruit snacks in the shapes of orange slices. It would really mess me up if they were in the shapes of trees. I do, however, really prefer Spooky Fruits.

At three grams of fiber per pack, that is equivalent of a really big piece of broccoli, a small apple or a normal banana. I need an average of around thirty-eight grams to keep me going a day and that means I need to eat 12.666666666666667 packs a day. That means a box is 1.8999999 short of a my daily fiber needs. I think that’s doable.

These kind of taste like they are intended to be good for you so we know what that means. Yup, they are average when it comes to taste and texture. Sure, if I had to pick between these and dried peas, I would definitely choose the poop inducing fruit snack but alone, I am afraid these just don’t make the cut for $3.99.

Thanks friends and I hope you are relaxing tonight.

 

 

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