Shakesburger In Love: The Angriest Whopper

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“Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. The Burger King Crown.”-Shakespeare (Henry IV: Bill and Ted’s Midlife Crisis)

Burger King has done it again! I know I am a little late to the party and other sites which aren’t in a zombie state like mine have already covered this week-old pop culture phenom, but it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t throw my hat into the ring of fire. And that fire is the new and limited time only, Burger King’s Angriest Whopper.

During last years Halloween season, Burger King shocked the community of Satanists and Halloween lovers with a black bun-ed, horror burger called the Halloween Burger. It had an A-1 steak sauce infused black bun and made the season 1000x more special because horror can be translated into bat shaped Reese’s cups pretty easily but burgers? That, my friends, is something amazing. Too bad it made people shit green.

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But beware of the ides of March, dear readers, because on the last day of that month, Burger King gave us a new weird Whopper and this time it’s pissed off, so look busy! The Angriest Whopper is brilliant red from the hot sauce infused in the bun. It has fried and pickled jalapenõs accompanied by some weird spicy yet sweet mustard sauce along with bacon because even if it really sucked, bacon is the extra credit to save the moron. Nothing has ever completely failed with bacon on it.

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When I review these weird limited-time-only items from fast food restaurants it is rare that I will eat the whole thing. As a guy in his mid…late thirties who hurt his back sneezing last week, eating a 900 calorie burger is just not in the cards. But, for preservation sake, I will eat half. 450 calories can happen at Starbucks if you don’t pay attention.

I must say, for a fast food burger it is not too bad and *gasp* a little on the spicy side! I know the hot sauce infused bun should add to the spice but I really couldn’t pull that away from the sauce and the jalepenos  because the overall construction was pretty damn complimentary to one another! It really seems less of a fast food burger but more of a dine-in chain restaurant burger and that is like the golden prize to fast food joints. I don’t know what is going on in the Burger King lab but I have a feeling it is involving the revitalized head of Andy Worhol and Walt Disney.

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So, while I crawled out of the grave to review this Angry Whopper, I feel it deserves a pretty good grade. I will give it an B+. The only reason I am giving it a B instead of an A is because it had a typical fast food presentation and it reminds me of the time my lunch was smashed and leaked juice all over other kids back packs on a field trip and the teacher made a huge deal about it. Every time I see a smashed sandwich I think of Mrs. Tanner’s smoker’s pucker and lipstick covered coffee mug. So, sorry Angriest Whopper. It’s not you. It’s me.

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Well folks, parting is such sweet sorrow so it is back to the coffin with me on VeggieMacabre. If you still want to follow my antics and read/watch about silly stuff, checkout the Tumblr site, VeggieMacabreTV until I make a new and better place.

Thanks for reading!

13 Days of Christmas: Target Hot Sauce Challenge!

Holy crap I am late but I am here! Apparently Final Cut wanted to be a real asshat and wouldn’t render this video unless I talked to it in baby-talk. Weird, I know.

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The first episode of the 13 Day Christmas Countdown we discuss novelty gifts. You know, the under $20 gifts that you have to bring to holiday parties for dumb games like “Dirty Santa” or “White Elephant”? The type of gifts that twelve-year olds give their siblings who they can’t stand? The crap that is re-gifted nine times until finally someone gets the motivation to throw it away? Ah yes, the Christmas novelty gifts that makes up for 14% of annual Christmas sales.

But there is one gift I might be able to dance with and that is Target’s Hot Sauce Challenge set that ranges from mild to “Blazing Butthole”. (Just kidding about the butthole) Still, unlike 2013’s disappointment of hot sauces I reviewed, this promises something different. A challenge, so to speak. And I accept.

Lucky for me, I enlisted the help of Laura who is by far one of the most easygoing people you will ever meet. What better person than to help me do a hot sauce challenge because those who get upset easily probably shouldn’t be forced to ingest acid and asked how they feel on camera.

Watch and see how this $13.99 pack of ten hot sauce challenge gift compares to the gourmet versions I have come to love. And stay till the end because we do one bonus hot sauce that DJ D almost died over. I will say, that kinda upset Laura. Ah, she’s a trooper.

ALSO! Be sure to like this review, comment below or hashtag #13daysofchristmas and I’ll toss your name in the hat for one of 13 boxes of neat stuff and send it right to you! FREE AWESOME PRESENTS!

Sriracha Candy Canes?

This blog is no stranger to candy canes. Last year and the year before I did a pretty extensive review of all candy canes from the Smarties flavored ones to Jolly Rancher. It caused some awkward moments at the dentist the following month but it was well worth it to let the world know where these Christmas treats, which double as tree ornaments, stand. It’s my duty as a silly blogger.

I was positive that I tapped the cane market. They couldn’t possibly have come out with any more variations. I wrote damn near $200 off my taxes in just candy canes last year (kidding IRS) so if they made another version, I would certainly know about them.

And then I strolled into World Market.

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SRIRACHA CANDY CANES!

You have got to be kidding me. I have been boasting to know the entire candy cane market only to get one-upped by a flavor that should not be.

The Canadian company, J&D Home Enterprises has defied all that is holy and infused Sriracha hot sauce with candy, colored it red, green and white and molded it into a cane. It’s 90% evil with 10% awesome and that is 100% VeggieMacabre approved. You might say nothing is sacred anymore but we live in a time when you can quit smoking by sucking on bubblegum flavored vapor. I don’t know.

Now I have to eat this craziness.

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When breaking off a piece I immediately noticed a marrow that I am assuming is the Sriracha blend. It smelled like a regular candy and the first bite tasted like a regular candy cane but soon something else began to creep in. Yikes! It’s pretty darn spicy especially in the back of the throat and the sweet-tasting spot on the tongue (front center). I even felt a little heartburn after I finished. *swoon*

I think I love these Sriracha candy canes more than I should. In fact, I am looking for a mountain cabin getaway for the both of us. These things are my new favorite Christmas candy by a mile. Even though they don’t bear a liking to the Huy Fong Sriracha sauce we have come to love and put on everything, it has a kick that will leave you confused to why you have all twelve canes shoved in your mouth.

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I bought these fine candy canes at World Market for around five bucks and if you have a tough time finding them in you area you can certainly order them at here. Trust me, if you like something spicy and new, you should probably buy at least forty boxes because they are awesome. Even on the back of the box it states “…great for tricking children…”. Come on, maaaan!

Target’s Holiday Heat: Hot Sauce Variety Pack

It’s been a slow kickoff for the new holiday blogger-anza (made that up) but don’t fret, I have something that not only sings to my heart, it sings to my esophagus. Ever have something sing to your esophagus? It’s weird because you sing using esophagus. I have derailed.

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This year Target is offering an array of various hot sauces with different flavors and levels of heat in their “Holiday Heat” variety pack. I love spicy condiments so much I am pretty sure I haven’t had plain food in twenty years. Shit, I might not even like chicken! The fact that this is married with Christmas, I can’t even feel my legs from the excitement.

There are ten, count them, ten bottles of pain. Each on has a different flavor from the pepper variety and obvious heat level. I thought I would list each one with a paragraph explaining why my mouth is on fire but I figured that would fly for three of them. Ten bottles, however, I need to make this a bit more entertaining. That is why you notice the video below.

Nevermind, I just shot a video and it’s as repetitive and stupid as I imagined it to be. You’re getting a seven bottle countdown with the three hottest reserved for a video. Too much of both is a problem so I have spread out the pain.

Enjoy this and get this holiday pack even if it’s just to decorate your childish office.

Snowman Meltdown Zest Garlic

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Is there anything better than a murdered snowman on the front of a hot sauce bottle? It puts a morbid spin on the classic Frosty the Snowman cartoon and song. Imagine if hunting stores had Rudolf carcasses displayed? Actually, they probably would do that, having lived in the Northwest for a while.

At first taste, it was extremely tart with no heat but soon after the garlic hits you and doesn’t leave for three days. I ended up taking down half the bottle in a desperate search for the spice but in the end, all I had was bad breath and a pucker face. This sauce is great against vampires but horrible against your self respect.

Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne

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Aw horse shit, more garlic? I just got over the last bottle thanks to sucking on a two-day old coffee filter. I understand the point of garlic flavoring but perhaps I should have spaced these two apart. I have to be on a plane tomorrow and I don’t need the attendant button pushed on me because I am sweating garlic.

Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne is pretty tasty, less sour and garlic from the last but not hot at all. I don’t know what I am expecting out of this holiday pack. I guess I like hyperventilating and involuntary diarrhea?

Chimney Inferno Smokey Chipotle 

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Finally, I am out of garlic infused breath death and on to something totally new. Chipotle!

Am I the only one who can not say chipotle? I feel that I am not alone on this. Anyway, this smoky sauce is pretty tasty and sweet for a designated “hot sauce”. I wouldn’t apply it everywhere but in some cases like chicken or fish, I probably would lean to that. In other words, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers. And it’s also not spicy. NO!

Seasonal Disturbance Jalapeño Fire

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OOOH! !t’s Linda Blair green and looks like a potential for a possible win. I have a thing for green hot sauces and to be honest, that’s one of the weirder things about me. Do you believe that? I think it’s just because the thought of applying green sauce to normal tacos makes me feel more extraterrestrial.

Well, it ain’t verde. Or is it? No, I think it just looks and tastes like it.

So far there has been zero heat with these reviewed sauces and it’s sucking my will to live.

Yule Be Sorry Spicy Pepper

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If this sucks at least it still has the best name of the batch.

It sucks. And I am sorry.

Holiday Madness Original Tabasco Pepper

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Whoa, bringing out the tabasco peppers with is one! I don’t know if that makes a difference or if it just makes me feel a little more comfortable knowing “tabasco” is on the label. I am the type of person who will probably eat spagetti if it boasts that it is made with real Coke rather than cola. It’s a horrible comparison but sadly accurate.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a person who should never review such products but this is exactly the same as Snowman Meltdown. I mean, it’s not even slightly different and now my breath smells like a dogs ass again. Both of my mutts are looking to stick their noses in my mouth.

Ho Ho Hot Jalapeño Pepper

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Uh oh, I have a feeling this might be a repeat as well. It looks the exact same as the Seasonal Distrurbance even using the exact same ingredience and sodium level. Unless this as magic, I expect this to be a repeated bottle only better looking. I mean it, the other green jalapeño bottle looks like early 90’s Southwestern decor.

Well, slap my hammies and call me Chair, it is the same! I recognize that tart non-spicy green sauce of the deep anywhere. It’s good on bland wheat crackers and the last shred of hope I had for this pack. Happy Christmas!

Okay, we have come to the last three. Well, two. I left one out because IT IS THE EXACT SAME AS ALL THE OTHERS! Here is a short video featuring me and an old man who damn near killed himself thinking he was tougher than he really was. I have to admit, I admire the old bastard.

In closing I will give this pack a multi-tier grade because it is unfair to hammer hot sauce holiday variety pack because the concept is something that is the soul of VeggieMacabre. The soul.

A- It’s a variety pack

A- It’s hot sauce

A- It’s holiday themed

G (below F)- Because it’s says “Hot” too much and it is not. Never absolutely never not hot it isn’t.

H (Below a G)- All the sauces are the same except in different bottles.

 

 

 

Death By A Chicken Wing

So last week I unintentionally changed the course of my desire to ever eat spicy foods again. I ingested something so hot, so painful, so unbelievably not for human consumption that for the better part of the night I sat in the shower and contemplated calling the hospital. And it was all for a bloody t-shirt.

Let me give you a little back story before I admit to eating pepto pills off a public restroom floor because to not have would have meant certain death.

Over the past few years I have been obsessed with spicy food challenges, hot sauces, peppers and really anything that makes a mouth unhappy. I really can’t answer why this has been such a fascination of mine but I will say if there is a person to blame, I blame Adam Richman of Man vs Food. Since its inception into the Travel Channel lineup, I have seen him ingest some of the hottest and most insane eating challenges this nation has to offer and every episode ends with me stating “I can to that”.

No I can’t.

East Coast Wings is a franchise that originated about five miles down the street from my house and it’s obvious what they specialize in. There must be about fifty different flavors of wings and over fifteen levels of spice starting with the meek mild and going all the way to the absurd. But there is one level to rule the other levels of heat. It’s the Insanity sauce and it’s so hot you have to sign a waiver and you can only eat one wing at a time. This was something that I had to try.

I have come to believe that many waiver forms for amusement are just gimmicks meant to lure people in thinking they are doing something dangerous when in all actuality, the real danger was the drive to the event. I have such a skeptical view on these challenges when you are asked to sign your life away. But “…external and internal tissue damage…” did catch my eye.

I forget how I managed to talk my girlfriend into accompanying me on this adventure but after a long day of football and drinking, I think she wanted to witness this about as much as I wanted to earn a t-shirt. Because it was such a long day of said activities, I had an empty tank and was pretty hungry so it was a challenge enough not to eat the Texas toast that was meant to qualm the fire I was about to ingest. The sugar and milk? That’s for babies.

Finally the “Insanity Wing” had arrived and it was go-time. There were a few spectators at 11:30 on a Saturday night who wanted to see what was going to happen but I didn’t even think about the possibility of giving them any entertainment other than watching a half-drunk guy look uncomfortable for a few minutes. It’s not that I was being cocky or even overly confident, I have taken on a few of these challenges before with little more than heartburn to speak of. I have even eaten a whole ghost pepper and while that was extraordinarily stupid, I survived and recovered a couple of hours later. This was only one wing, after all.

Stop you idiot! Stop! Put that wing down!

Too late…

There is only one speed to take on these challenges and that is FAST. I ate this wing as if it was still on a live chicken. It’s not really something you can savor. I will say the burn on the mouth and throat was pretty intense but not nearly as bad as I have had before. But just when I thought I had this challenge beat, it hit my stomach. And that’s when my Hell began.

I have never had that happen to me before! In less than a second I had a burning coal trying to break through my abdomen just an inch below my sternum. I quietly excused myself and walked purposefully to the restroom praying that it wasn’t occupied. Thank God it wasn’t because the second I got there I collapsed wanting to throw up. But all I could do was sit on the floor of a public restroom in sheer hollow pain. Agony.

I would have gladly offered a finger to break if it would have subsided the waves of intense burning. My poor girlfriend opened the door to make sure I wasn’t dead and she found me with my back against the wall and asked if I was okay. I replied with a “NO! BIG MISTAKE! I’M SERIOUS!” She gave me a bottle of generic Peptic Relief pills and I greedily chewed a couple up and swallowed them. I could not coat the stomach fast enough. In fact, in my frantic state I may have dropped a couple on the floor of the restroom and I may have not given a shit and ate them anyway. That’s a level of discomfort that I am not accustom to.

Soon enough though, I managed to get a hold of the situation and take the walk of shame back to my bar stool where I asked to just go home. Oh, and I also wanted to give my shirt back. They said I earned it, but in my heart I felt defeated.

I felt a little better by the time we reached home, though my pride was definitely dented. I was once the master of the ghost pepper and Tai Spice #5 and one wing took me down. Literally down to a public restroom floor. This is a stretch, but I felt like a champion boxer who was play-fighting with his kid nephew and was accidentally knocked out only to demand a rematch and then the kid not only knocks him out again but writes “wuss” on his forehead and raises his boxer shorts up on a flagpole. I was injured and insulted.

Do you see that it looks like I still have wing sauce on my face? Well I don’t. That is the skin burn from the frick’n wing. I couldn’t feel the burn on my face though because the sheer pain of my stomach could have masked a femur break.

I went to bed thinking the worst was over. That was until an hour later when I woke up FEELING AS IF I JUST ATE THE DAMN WING! I couldn’t believe that this feeling was back and just as intense. I sat on the floor writhing in agony, eating pepto pills by the handful. It was all I could do.

After that episode I turned on the shower and sat in the tub because standing was not an option. All I could repeat was “So stupid. So stupid.”. I couldn’t help but dwell on the waiver that stated “…internal tissue damage”. I really thought the next step was to the hospital. OVER ONE DAMN WING!

Let me sum up the rest of the night: Wake up in pain, eat a bunch of antacids, curse myself, try to go back to bed, doze off, wake up again and repeat. Pretty awful. It wasn’t until around 7:30am when my wonderful girlfriend went to the store to buy every form of Mylanta and antacid did I find any relief. And by relief I mean I no longer felt the need for a bite stick.

Well, I survived and now that it has been a week since the challenge and when I began this disaster of a post, I can say that there was no internal tissue damage. I hated that I acted like a yard ape, rolling on a public restroom floor showing my lady parts to the girlfriend. I have decided, against better judgement, to take this challenge on again. This time I will eat AND not drink any liqueur before this challenge. Also, I will do this without anyone that I want to impress and have a life alert bracelet on. Oh yeah, and perhaps I’ll bring a mat incase I decide to do yoga on the restroom floor again.

“I don’t want to think about death when I’m eating chicken”

Moral of the story? I never learn from my mistakes.